And then there was one..
Well obviously I did not die though I tried my hardest.
Instead I spent two weeks away from everything at the Meadows.
It was there as I bided my time to be released that I decided:
There's a difference between wanting to live and wanting to die.
I simply didn't want to live but I really had no motivation to die.
I had a gun, after all.
So anyway long story short I am training at a Fortune 500 Company.
Not saying which one in case I get cut but let's say I go to Detroit often.
My salary is very high, nearly 6 figures, for past experience.
I have been less self destructive- no cutting, no partying, hardly any drinking or smoking. No friendship. No family. No love. No happiness. No tears.
That's not to say I haven't had any interests, just no one who I really ever wanted to see again.
Every time I think about what I lost and what happened the sharpest pain hits me. I do not numb it. I eat, sleep, work, and tan. Try to buy my way out of the pain.
It doesn't work.
I have never felt so alone as I do in my life. I don't even pick up my phone except work. I just want to lay in bed with the TV off and forget.
Maybe it is best this way.
Some days the only reason I get up is to feed my dog.
I try to act like it's okay but it's not. It never will be again. I am no longer myself but a shadow. Money and beauty mean nothing if you have no one to share them with.
What's wrong with me?! The last time I felt alive was waking up last week with Chris the Cardiologist. My most recent fling, I suppose.
Ill-fated, of course.. But I have lost before, I can lose again.
After all, the one person I thought I loved left me. And the one person I actually did is leaving completely.
It is the hardest thing in the world to know you can be gone and not ever be missed but still exist.
I don't think I can do it much longer. I will have my motivation very soon.
Instead I spent two weeks away from everything at the Meadows.
It was there as I bided my time to be released that I decided:
There's a difference between wanting to live and wanting to die.
I simply didn't want to live but I really had no motivation to die.
I had a gun, after all.
So anyway long story short I am training at a Fortune 500 Company.
Not saying which one in case I get cut but let's say I go to Detroit often.
My salary is very high, nearly 6 figures, for past experience.
I have been less self destructive- no cutting, no partying, hardly any drinking or smoking. No friendship. No family. No love. No happiness. No tears.
That's not to say I haven't had any interests, just no one who I really ever wanted to see again.
Every time I think about what I lost and what happened the sharpest pain hits me. I do not numb it. I eat, sleep, work, and tan. Try to buy my way out of the pain.
It doesn't work.
I have never felt so alone as I do in my life. I don't even pick up my phone except work. I just want to lay in bed with the TV off and forget.
Maybe it is best this way.
Some days the only reason I get up is to feed my dog.
I try to act like it's okay but it's not. It never will be again. I am no longer myself but a shadow. Money and beauty mean nothing if you have no one to share them with.
What's wrong with me?! The last time I felt alive was waking up last week with Chris the Cardiologist. My most recent fling, I suppose.
Ill-fated, of course.. But I have lost before, I can lose again.
After all, the one person I thought I loved left me. And the one person I actually did is leaving completely.
It is the hardest thing in the world to know you can be gone and not ever be missed but still exist.
I don't think I can do it much longer. I will have my motivation very soon.