(no subject)
Back in the day, I was never shy about giving unpopular opinions, or about seeming too emotional, or not cool enough. I was just me. I did sometimes fret about not being equal to an intelligent conversation, but I always felt as if I had something valuable to add.
That isn't where I am now, but I'd like to get back to being more that way.
I don't need to fret about whether something I said or did was not cool enough for the cool kids. I shouldn't even have to ask myself if I'm allowed to be sexual or to want to feel sexy, even though I'm not attractive, even though I'm getting older. I don't want to have to hide myself away and constantly be second-guessing myself, just because something I say might not be acceptable to someone.
I've gone so far as to forbid myself from interacting with certain other people, because I always feel like I've given or shown too much, after. I feel as if I've been inappropriately forward or enthusiastic, and I hate to feel as if I've made another person uncomfortable or embarrassed myself or them in some manner.
I've even gone so far as to completely stop reading their fiction, because of how happy it makes me. How backwards is that? Why should I feel ashamed for being happy? Why should I have to hold that in, just because my expression of it is not polished and flawless?
It doesn't make me happy, and insofar as they're conscious of losing one reader (which I highly doubt -- which proves my point that I should just do it, since I won't be making much of an impact either way), it hurts them, too.
Everyone has their level of comfort when it comes to sharing personal things. Everyone has their own idea of what is "acceptable", what's "done" and what "isn't done" in a social setting. And that's fine. Personally, I happen to really enjoy talking about personal things to "strangers" (because what is a stranger but a potential friend?). I enjoy talking about how things impact me emotionally, I like talking about the personal details of my sexuality, and I like hearing about other people's lives, about their families, their spirituality, their bodies, the things that are deeply important to them.
And yet, even though these very meaningful things are what make me happy, I still feel some sourceless pressure to conform to a certain type of person's ideas about what is and what is not acceptable. That everything must remain superficial, that LiveJournal is a fantasy place apart from "real life". That is perfectly fine for them. I'm happy for them, that they've created a space for these particular things they want to express. But being someone else will never make me happy. Superficial does not come easy to me. I'm not the wit or the socialite; I'm about as far from queen bee as you can get. If I don't feel as if I'm getting anything real from another person, I will eventually lose interest, no matter how funny or how much of an interesting "character" they are.
And it's okay that I'm not cool. It's okay that my face looks funny, that my tits are big, that my ass is flat. It's okay that I like to think and talk about and discuss PEENS, the various merits and qualities thereof. It's okay that I'm not an expert on everything. It's okay that I routinely mess up, make mistakes, forget things, and it's okay that I don't express myself as clearly or succinctly as I'd like. It's okay that I'm a huge. DORK.
It's okay that I'm not funny. That what makes me smile may make other people go wtf.
It's okay if people laugh at me behind my back. It's okay that I am not noticed.
It's okay that I don't have the money to buy nice things. That I don't apply makeup like a pro, or even like a girl. That I'm not a glamazon, a fashionista, a pinup.
It's okay that I'm getting older and still feel (mostly) like I'm nineteen. My wrinkles are okay. My zits are okay.
It's okay if sometimes I make someone feel bad on accident. I can apologize, I can own up to and learn from what I did wrong, and I can try not to do it again.
It's okay to not be good at something; it's even okay to not be good at anything. If I want to write, that's okay; and if I don't want to write, that's okay, too.
If I feel bad, I shouldn't have to apologize for it. I shouldn't have to hide my pain behind self-mockery. Being "emo" is okay. People hurt. There's no shame in expressing that. Nobody needs to call the waaambulance. Hi, I'm human. And so are you, and it's okay.
And if, for some reason, looking at a photo of a celebrity with facial hair makes me want to squee for a bit and talk about guys and the things I like, that's FINE. Getting excited about what turns you on, or what you like, or what just makes you feel silly or giddy or like you have some intimate emotional connection or identification with it or ... whatever! ... those things aren't exclusive to children, or to teenagers. We do it because we're alive. Because we find joy and happiness in things, and because we're all thriving, sexual people. It's not immature. It's vital. It's life.
And if I say the same goddamn things every single day, because they're on my mind, because I'm exploring the idea from different angles, or just because I forgot that I talked about it yesterday -- that's okay. I don't have to be interesting every single second. I don't even have to be interesting.
What I have to be, is me. I am constantly changing, growing, and there should always be room and opportunity for change. I might not be this person tomorrow. I might be this person until the day I die. But I have to be able to be this person. Trying to shut myself down to in order that I not "disappoint" anyone... it's making me miserable, and that negatively affects everyone I come in contact with.
I am a very, very solitary person. But I'm not a terribly private person, in some of the ways that other people are often private. I think it can take a while to get me going -- it does take me a while to feel "safe" sometimes -- but I don't feel like there's a whole lot that I would ever deny anyone, if they only asked.
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edit : It's even okay that I voted for Bush and will probably not vote for a Democrat in 2008, that I think abortion is the murder of another human being, that the mere idea of hormonal contraception makes me want to throw up, and that I'd rather stab myself in the eye than have sex with a condom. It's okay if I don't think that gay marriage is the number one burning issue of the day, and that I think the war between Western and Muslim civilizations is. That stuff... I thought I'd "learned" from experience that you just don't talk about that kind of stuff in fandom if you want to keep your friends. But my political self is just as important to me as my sexual, or emotional, or psychological self. Anyone who'd defriend me because I occasionally talked about something they didn't agree with, is not someone I want in my life anyway. I know, I do have to watch myself sometimes -- I can be really thoughtless about the way I say things. If I were not always trying to be fair, kind, and respectful, that would be a perfectly good reason to not want me in your life.
Anyway. All just stuff for me to remember.
I'd really like to find my way back to who I really am -- not to who my husband wants me to be, not the person I think other people expect me to be. Just me, with all my flaws. And I know there must be good things about me as well, and I shouldn't be afraid to self-assess my own worth, or to talk about them, either.
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