Confusion
Ok, I am freaking out.
I know this is an overreaction, but I can't help how I feel. I don't think I am supposed to live in this house anymore. Anna has the same feeling, and she thinks she needs to live on her own. I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't want to live by myself, and I sure as hell don't want to move back to Sacramento (which my mother asked me to seriously consider...what a step backwards). I am doing nothing but getting fatter and more depressed, and I am going nowhere but work and home again. This isn't a life. This is some sort of existence, but not the one for me. I want to follow my dream, but my financial obligations are thus that I can't without significant penalties/losses/credit rating destruction. Andy is slowly paying me back for rent; Anna has yet to even start, same with my parents...I can't see how this is all going to work out. Every damn time I start to feel like I might be getting to settle into a life, it gets thrown into chaos. Am I destined to live a nomadic existence forever? Shall I move every year whether I need to or not?
***Did I not mention a freak-out?***
I want to act. I want to get married. I want to be happy; busy, but happy. I want to not worry about money EVER AGAIN. I want to live in Hollywood and work in Hollywood and NEVER AGAIN BUY/SELL/PROCESS anything. No more late fees, no more customers, no more polo shirts (unless I take up golf), no more lonely nights, no more lending money, no more evil corporations, no more health problems, no more feeling left behind, no more rejection, no more falling for the bad boy with the heart of gold and the VD and the empty wallet, no more depression and most of all, NO MORE STRESS!
I need divine intervention and I need it yesterday. I need to get up off my duff and begin acting. Just because I am fat doesn't mean I am worthless. I need the spark to get me started. For some reason I am paralyzed (my madre says it is spiritual) and can't make the change; I can't stick to my diet, exercise or even have the will to TRY to act. IN LA! WHAT??!! I came here for a church that should feed me but doesn't, I can't make myself read my Bible to save my life, and I spend all my waking hours enjoying TV or TV on DVD or just DVD's. Synthetic, dead life. I speak in quotes, Pop culture spews forth from me like jelly from a squished doughnut. I am angry and resentful.
THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER FOR ME THAN THIS! I just can't tell what right now. Apparently I need to move again. Back to that...
If anyone who cares reads this, please pray for me. If you aren't the praying type, please send me money, a husband, a referral to a good plastic surgeon and a talent agent. Yup, that about covers it.
I need a miracle. Or twelve.
I know this is an overreaction, but I can't help how I feel. I don't think I am supposed to live in this house anymore. Anna has the same feeling, and she thinks she needs to live on her own. I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't want to live by myself, and I sure as hell don't want to move back to Sacramento (which my mother asked me to seriously consider...what a step backwards). I am doing nothing but getting fatter and more depressed, and I am going nowhere but work and home again. This isn't a life. This is some sort of existence, but not the one for me. I want to follow my dream, but my financial obligations are thus that I can't without significant penalties/losses/credit rating destruction. Andy is slowly paying me back for rent; Anna has yet to even start, same with my parents...I can't see how this is all going to work out. Every damn time I start to feel like I might be getting to settle into a life, it gets thrown into chaos. Am I destined to live a nomadic existence forever? Shall I move every year whether I need to or not?
***Did I not mention a freak-out?***
I want to act. I want to get married. I want to be happy; busy, but happy. I want to not worry about money EVER AGAIN. I want to live in Hollywood and work in Hollywood and NEVER AGAIN BUY/SELL/PROCESS anything. No more late fees, no more customers, no more polo shirts (unless I take up golf), no more lonely nights, no more lending money, no more evil corporations, no more health problems, no more feeling left behind, no more rejection, no more falling for the bad boy with the heart of gold and the VD and the empty wallet, no more depression and most of all, NO MORE STRESS!
I need divine intervention and I need it yesterday. I need to get up off my duff and begin acting. Just because I am fat doesn't mean I am worthless. I need the spark to get me started. For some reason I am paralyzed (my madre says it is spiritual) and can't make the change; I can't stick to my diet, exercise or even have the will to TRY to act. IN LA! WHAT??!! I came here for a church that should feed me but doesn't, I can't make myself read my Bible to save my life, and I spend all my waking hours enjoying TV or TV on DVD or just DVD's. Synthetic, dead life. I speak in quotes, Pop culture spews forth from me like jelly from a squished doughnut. I am angry and resentful.
THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER FOR ME THAN THIS! I just can't tell what right now. Apparently I need to move again. Back to that...
If anyone who cares reads this, please pray for me. If you aren't the praying type, please send me money, a husband, a referral to a good plastic surgeon and a talent agent. Yup, that about covers it.
I need a miracle. Or twelve.