(no subject)

[gettomonkey]

Why can't I have a day where both my body and my mind are are on the same page? I don't feel like death today, feel like royal shit but not death. So it was nice being able to take a shower and not pass out, or lose my breath. Hell be able to stay awake for that matter. But my mind today is fucked. I am stuck on so freakin much. I am missing my grandmother so much today. Im struggling with my healh issues so much right now. Your told theres nothng they can do and your life is always going to be this bad from here on out. What do you do? How do I prove them wrong? How do I find it in myself to prove them wrong? I have been doing a lot of thinking about my past. There is so much I wish i could take back. So much I wish I could have now that I had then. Im asking myself abut now. Where am I going from here? Im so lost.

I keep people at arms length. Everyone. Im so scared of hurting any more then I am already.

I don't know Im lost....Its so so dark.