Day 10
Ooooh today was HORRIBLE! I thought about him SO MUCH. And I wanted to send him a message, at least just tell him WHY I'm not speaking to him. But I didn't end up doing it because I was at work, and I felt weird about sending it at work. But I had every intentions of sending something once I got home.
Then, on my way home, I started thinking that maybe I should invite him over. I thought I could invite him over and tell him that I am just done doing everything he wants, and not being able to share my insecurities with him, etc. and then maybe he'll say he wants to change, and then we can hug and he will hold me and he'll feel all warm and nice.
I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I can't make up my mind.
If I tell him why I'm not talking to him, he could get pissed and it could all be over. Which should be fine, right? But honestly, of course there is still this little part inside of me that wants us to get back together some day. This little part that's hoping that he'll do something amazing like bring me a big bunch of flowers and plan a weekend together just the two of us and profess his love to me. It's possible right? I know it's probably not, but I can't help but fantasize about it and think it IS possible.
I just miss him so much today. Maybe it's because of Aunt Flo, I don't know. But I just really want to feel him holding me and I want to smell him and touch his hair.
This is what happens when we fight. But it's so much worse than this. He will do some @$$hole thing and then I will be SO MAD, and then eventually (usually only takes like an hour or less) I will apologize to him because I miss him so much and I want to feel him and hug him. And then what he did doesn't even matter.
And what has that led me to? Well now I have a HUGE @$$ list of things that piss me off about him. I have ups and downs. I'm like a manic depressive person. That's what it has led me to.
And his solution? He's always said that the solution is for me "not to care". I shouldn't care where he goes, who he sees, who he hangs out with, etc etc. It's not like I care SO much, I'm just curious. Like if he has plans on a Friday night, I'm going to ask "Where are you going" and "With who" because I'm just curious. And if he doesn't want to tell me, well that's just WEIRD! I would tell him any of that crap, I mean come on! It's like, who cares?
And the whole thing about the ride from the airport was just weird. I really think he did it just to test me. Because we had such an amazing Friday. And when that happens, he thinks I should be okay with ANYTHING that happens from then on. So I think he was testing to see if I would get mad if he had someone else bring him back from the airport. Which, by the way, I wasn't going to get mad - I simply asked him WHY he had someone else take him back. If he would have just told me a logical reason, everything would have been fine. But he REFUSED to give me a logical reason. And his reasoning for that? "I shouldn't HAVE to tell you". What the hell kind of relationship is that? If I have insecurities, you should WANT to fix them. If I feel bad that you asked someone else for a ride, you should reassure me by telling me why you asked someone else. You can't expect me to just shove my feelings in the damn closet. I'm a GIRL I have FEELINGS. If you want someone who doesn't give a crap about anything, date a freaking guy.
Then, on my way home, I started thinking that maybe I should invite him over. I thought I could invite him over and tell him that I am just done doing everything he wants, and not being able to share my insecurities with him, etc. and then maybe he'll say he wants to change, and then we can hug and he will hold me and he'll feel all warm and nice.
I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I can't make up my mind.
If I tell him why I'm not talking to him, he could get pissed and it could all be over. Which should be fine, right? But honestly, of course there is still this little part inside of me that wants us to get back together some day. This little part that's hoping that he'll do something amazing like bring me a big bunch of flowers and plan a weekend together just the two of us and profess his love to me. It's possible right? I know it's probably not, but I can't help but fantasize about it and think it IS possible.
I just miss him so much today. Maybe it's because of Aunt Flo, I don't know. But I just really want to feel him holding me and I want to smell him and touch his hair.
This is what happens when we fight. But it's so much worse than this. He will do some @$$hole thing and then I will be SO MAD, and then eventually (usually only takes like an hour or less) I will apologize to him because I miss him so much and I want to feel him and hug him. And then what he did doesn't even matter.
And what has that led me to? Well now I have a HUGE @$$ list of things that piss me off about him. I have ups and downs. I'm like a manic depressive person. That's what it has led me to.
And his solution? He's always said that the solution is for me "not to care". I shouldn't care where he goes, who he sees, who he hangs out with, etc etc. It's not like I care SO much, I'm just curious. Like if he has plans on a Friday night, I'm going to ask "Where are you going" and "With who" because I'm just curious. And if he doesn't want to tell me, well that's just WEIRD! I would tell him any of that crap, I mean come on! It's like, who cares?
And the whole thing about the ride from the airport was just weird. I really think he did it just to test me. Because we had such an amazing Friday. And when that happens, he thinks I should be okay with ANYTHING that happens from then on. So I think he was testing to see if I would get mad if he had someone else bring him back from the airport. Which, by the way, I wasn't going to get mad - I simply asked him WHY he had someone else take him back. If he would have just told me a logical reason, everything would have been fine. But he REFUSED to give me a logical reason. And his reasoning for that? "I shouldn't HAVE to tell you". What the hell kind of relationship is that? If I have insecurities, you should WANT to fix them. If I feel bad that you asked someone else for a ride, you should reassure me by telling me why you asked someone else. You can't expect me to just shove my feelings in the damn closet. I'm a GIRL I have FEELINGS. If you want someone who doesn't give a crap about anything, date a freaking guy.