End of Day 9
Today wasn't bad... Aunt Flo did actually come to pay me a visit, but my cramps actually weren't as bad as usual, I think because of my healthy eating and working out!
He's still trying to get my attention, but in more subtle ways now. He's not directly contacting me, but he's doing things like "liking" my posts on social sites, etc. He knows that stuff really gets to me. I would aways melt when he did that because he'd usually do it for everyone but me. So then when he would finally do that to something I posted I would get SO excited. So it did make me smile.
BUT I still decided not to contact him. Because I remembered all of his crap. But sometimes I worry that I won't find someone who I have such a deep connection with. I really honestly don't think I will. I know it sounds silly, but I'm being honest. But, is this deep connection worth all of the heartache? And plus, is this deep connection really what I think it is? I mean, maybe it's all in my head! If we really had such a deep connection, then why would he be planning to move across the country within a couple years and not take me with him? And if we really had such a deep connection, then wouldn't he care about my feelings? And wouldn't he want to spend time with me? Wouldn't he want to go on a weekend trip with me? Wouldn't he want to come over when I ask him to?
I think that what it really has been is that I have been head over heels in love with this guy, completely crazy about him to the point where it has blinded me. He has told me stuff like that he's going to leave eventually, and that the physical stuff is meaningless, and all he really cares about is our friendship... but I always just brushed that stuff under the rug. I'd be like "Yeah, okay..." and then forget about it. And I would deny it to myself. I would tell myself that it's not really true, that he just *thinks* it's true. But that deep down he really can't live without me.
But who am I freaking kidding? Only myself!! He can live without me easily. He's telling me he's going to move away and he doesn't even want to take me with him. He's telling me that we're not going to be together forever. What the heck is wrong with me? How can I be such an idiot to just ignore this stuff?
It's because all I was thinking about is how I feel about him. Not how HE feels about ME. When I'd look into his eyes, I'd get butterflies. When he put his arms around me, I would just melt. He's so warm. He smells so good. He's so perfect.
But he's not perfect. He's perfect when I am his perfect person. As soon as I become a real person with insecurities and wants and needs, he shuts down. And then he's not all warm and loving and caring. He leaves me crying in my apartment. He refuses to answer my questions.
Why is everything so warped? It's like my perception of reality is just wrong. I wish I was in a TV show and I could just watch myself so I could see what reality is really like. I have no idea what reality is anymore.
But I can say one thing, my head seems to get clearer each day. I do feel like I am able to see reality for what it really is more and more each day. I hope there is one day when I look back on this and realize that I did make the right decision and that I'm happier than he ever made me. But it's just so confusing right now.
He's still trying to get my attention, but in more subtle ways now. He's not directly contacting me, but he's doing things like "liking" my posts on social sites, etc. He knows that stuff really gets to me. I would aways melt when he did that because he'd usually do it for everyone but me. So then when he would finally do that to something I posted I would get SO excited. So it did make me smile.
BUT I still decided not to contact him. Because I remembered all of his crap. But sometimes I worry that I won't find someone who I have such a deep connection with. I really honestly don't think I will. I know it sounds silly, but I'm being honest. But, is this deep connection worth all of the heartache? And plus, is this deep connection really what I think it is? I mean, maybe it's all in my head! If we really had such a deep connection, then why would he be planning to move across the country within a couple years and not take me with him? And if we really had such a deep connection, then wouldn't he care about my feelings? And wouldn't he want to spend time with me? Wouldn't he want to go on a weekend trip with me? Wouldn't he want to come over when I ask him to?
I think that what it really has been is that I have been head over heels in love with this guy, completely crazy about him to the point where it has blinded me. He has told me stuff like that he's going to leave eventually, and that the physical stuff is meaningless, and all he really cares about is our friendship... but I always just brushed that stuff under the rug. I'd be like "Yeah, okay..." and then forget about it. And I would deny it to myself. I would tell myself that it's not really true, that he just *thinks* it's true. But that deep down he really can't live without me.
But who am I freaking kidding? Only myself!! He can live without me easily. He's telling me he's going to move away and he doesn't even want to take me with him. He's telling me that we're not going to be together forever. What the heck is wrong with me? How can I be such an idiot to just ignore this stuff?
It's because all I was thinking about is how I feel about him. Not how HE feels about ME. When I'd look into his eyes, I'd get butterflies. When he put his arms around me, I would just melt. He's so warm. He smells so good. He's so perfect.
But he's not perfect. He's perfect when I am his perfect person. As soon as I become a real person with insecurities and wants and needs, he shuts down. And then he's not all warm and loving and caring. He leaves me crying in my apartment. He refuses to answer my questions.
Why is everything so warped? It's like my perception of reality is just wrong. I wish I was in a TV show and I could just watch myself so I could see what reality is really like. I have no idea what reality is anymore.
But I can say one thing, my head seems to get clearer each day. I do feel like I am able to see reality for what it really is more and more each day. I hope there is one day when I look back on this and realize that I did make the right decision and that I'm happier than he ever made me. But it's just so confusing right now.