Day 6
I had a great eventful day today, but I thought about him a LOT. It's crazy. I really really started missing him, and I started feeling really bad for not talking to him. I was actually starting to plan that next weekend I would ask him to hang out.
But finally at some point during the day, I started thinking about the last time we talked. And I realized that our whole relationship has really just been this power struggle. He's basically wanting to always be the one with the power in the relationship. Everything was always on his terms. If I ever wanted to hang out, he wouldn't (he'd refuse to - he'd say "I shouldn't HAVE to"). But whenever he wanted to hang out, of course I always would. I kind of got used to that, and just ignored it. But that doesn't solve anything. And plus, even though he was in control of that, he would also still need to be in control of other things! For example, he would never want to feel like he HAS to do anything. Then he feels like he is no longer in control. So, the last time I talked to him - when he had someone else take him home from the airport and he didn't even tell me he was back from vacation, which is a first - he was showing that he was in control. We had an amazing time the night before he left, and then as soon as he came back he had to show that everything wasn't all great and perfect, that he didn't REALLY care so much or want to spend so much time with me, and that HE was in control. That even though everything was great between us, he still wasn't the guy I WANTED him to be and certainly wouldn't do what I WANTED him to do (or in his eyes, "demanded" - I think he feels like I demand these things from him when I don't, I just obviously like to pick him up from the airport, it's 30 minutes that we get to spend together).
Anyways, as I look back on our ENTIRE relationship I realize that EVERYTHING was always about power. About him needing to have power over our relationship. He always told me that he would eventually move away and that would be the end of us. When that made me sad (over and over and over again) he would just say that we are just having fun now, and I shouldn't be sad when it ends. But really, he was putting the "ending it" part in his own hands, and thus giving the power to himself to end the relationship. He knew (or, thought, rather) that I would never want to end it myself. (But he was wrong.) In addition, I always said I'd love to take a trip somewhere with him. He always said he wouldn't (no good reason why). I believe it was him wanting to have power again. If he lays out these stupid rules then he is the one with ALL the power in the relationship.
Basically, he hates the idea of himself having to do something "for me" - like come over because I want him to, go on a trip because I want him to, etc etc. And the funny thing is, if I ever were to tell him that, he would say "I never want you to do stuff for me. I never let you cook for me, I never want you to buy me stuff". Those things are true, but those are things I would WANT to do for him. He's so freaking dense! Why doesn't he get it? The things I DON'T want to do for him are things like having to give up who I am, a person with emotions. Having to keep all of my emotions inside of myself. Not being able to tell him my insecurities because he will just not want to talk about it. And, not being able to do the things I want to do with him, like go on trips with him, or have him come over some days.
He would also say "I do so many things for you! I buy you gifts, I take you places (with other friends - never just the two of us), I spend time with you on the weekends" but the thing is, well first of all I don't CARE about freaking gifts! He doesn't get that! I don't care about material things! If I could have a million freaking dollars or a weekend with him, I'd pick the weekend!!! And yes he does those other things like take me places with other friends, and spend time with me alone in my apartment, but if I ever WANT him to do something, he would NEVER do it. If I'm the one with the idea, and I say "Will you please come over?" and ESPECIALLY if I'm upset about something (doesn't even have to be related to him) and I want him to come over for support, he will REFUSE to come over.
What in the HELL kind of relationship is that?? Normal relationships aren't like this. In normal relationships, BOTH people want to be with each other. BOTH people love spending time together. And if one person wants the other to come over, the person will freaking come over for them, because the person CARES about the other one.
What this is, is him wanting to be in control of everything. He wants the entire relationship to be in his hands. Damn I miss him like crazy, and I think about him constantly. But the whole power thing is really unfair to me, and it's emotionally draining. I need to be loved, and cared about, and reassured. I'm a girl. I'm not an emotionless robot.
But finally at some point during the day, I started thinking about the last time we talked. And I realized that our whole relationship has really just been this power struggle. He's basically wanting to always be the one with the power in the relationship. Everything was always on his terms. If I ever wanted to hang out, he wouldn't (he'd refuse to - he'd say "I shouldn't HAVE to"). But whenever he wanted to hang out, of course I always would. I kind of got used to that, and just ignored it. But that doesn't solve anything. And plus, even though he was in control of that, he would also still need to be in control of other things! For example, he would never want to feel like he HAS to do anything. Then he feels like he is no longer in control. So, the last time I talked to him - when he had someone else take him home from the airport and he didn't even tell me he was back from vacation, which is a first - he was showing that he was in control. We had an amazing time the night before he left, and then as soon as he came back he had to show that everything wasn't all great and perfect, that he didn't REALLY care so much or want to spend so much time with me, and that HE was in control. That even though everything was great between us, he still wasn't the guy I WANTED him to be and certainly wouldn't do what I WANTED him to do (or in his eyes, "demanded" - I think he feels like I demand these things from him when I don't, I just obviously like to pick him up from the airport, it's 30 minutes that we get to spend together).
Anyways, as I look back on our ENTIRE relationship I realize that EVERYTHING was always about power. About him needing to have power over our relationship. He always told me that he would eventually move away and that would be the end of us. When that made me sad (over and over and over again) he would just say that we are just having fun now, and I shouldn't be sad when it ends. But really, he was putting the "ending it" part in his own hands, and thus giving the power to himself to end the relationship. He knew (or, thought, rather) that I would never want to end it myself. (But he was wrong.) In addition, I always said I'd love to take a trip somewhere with him. He always said he wouldn't (no good reason why). I believe it was him wanting to have power again. If he lays out these stupid rules then he is the one with ALL the power in the relationship.
Basically, he hates the idea of himself having to do something "for me" - like come over because I want him to, go on a trip because I want him to, etc etc. And the funny thing is, if I ever were to tell him that, he would say "I never want you to do stuff for me. I never let you cook for me, I never want you to buy me stuff". Those things are true, but those are things I would WANT to do for him. He's so freaking dense! Why doesn't he get it? The things I DON'T want to do for him are things like having to give up who I am, a person with emotions. Having to keep all of my emotions inside of myself. Not being able to tell him my insecurities because he will just not want to talk about it. And, not being able to do the things I want to do with him, like go on trips with him, or have him come over some days.
He would also say "I do so many things for you! I buy you gifts, I take you places (with other friends - never just the two of us), I spend time with you on the weekends" but the thing is, well first of all I don't CARE about freaking gifts! He doesn't get that! I don't care about material things! If I could have a million freaking dollars or a weekend with him, I'd pick the weekend!!! And yes he does those other things like take me places with other friends, and spend time with me alone in my apartment, but if I ever WANT him to do something, he would NEVER do it. If I'm the one with the idea, and I say "Will you please come over?" and ESPECIALLY if I'm upset about something (doesn't even have to be related to him) and I want him to come over for support, he will REFUSE to come over.
What in the HELL kind of relationship is that?? Normal relationships aren't like this. In normal relationships, BOTH people want to be with each other. BOTH people love spending time together. And if one person wants the other to come over, the person will freaking come over for them, because the person CARES about the other one.
What this is, is him wanting to be in control of everything. He wants the entire relationship to be in his hands. Damn I miss him like crazy, and I think about him constantly. But the whole power thing is really unfair to me, and it's emotionally draining. I need to be loved, and cared about, and reassured. I'm a girl. I'm not an emotionless robot.