Feast of Saint Ryan, and other things
Today, June 4, happens to be the Feast of Saint Ryan, one of many odd or obscure holidays, Saint Tibb's Day, etc, I have added to my calendar over the years. The Feast of Saint Ryan is devoted to a legendary brewer that emerged from a series of role playing games in the late 1990s. Thus beer and merriment are in order. We all could use a party.
I have been troubled by recent events in the world, economy, ecoterrorists, loss of history, etc. It seems as soon as I finish trying to document something … it goes away. I need to go back and get a few somethings before it is too late. History and research need to be saved.
It seems to me that I should really think about whether or not I see myself having kids anytime in the next ten years. My parents had my brother and I later in life. I have known others who waited until they had money or met that special someone even at 40. Then I have friends who are in their 20s and have decided that now would be best before things get worse, while they are younger, healthy. I do not know what to think. It seems like the natural tendency. But like my parents and those others, I was always trying to save up, to be responsible, and to bring a child into the world and be able to take care of that takes a bit, time, patience, money, commitment.
I also need to see if college is in the cards. I really, really, really wanted to go back. I felt that finally I was ready, that I had a goal, an idea, some direction. Sometimes life cruelly says no, you had your chance, and you blew it.
I have slowly started to take better care of myself. I need to find a new dentist as the old one retired and the person who bought out his clients only took the ones she wanted. I should schedule a doctor's appointment as well.
I had a teacher whose motto was “Carpe Diem” “Seize the Day.” He lived life to the fullest. I worked with a cook who always encouraged trying new things. “If you want to do something, do it.” I told myself by the time 35 came around I should better have a plan or solve what was bothering me.
As for dating prospects I know one who has tried to nudge me towards getting back into the waters. I prefer safe. Maybe a co-worker I know would be cool with going out. I need to take care of myself first or if I do run both at the same.
Friends. I have been hard on them. It is not easy …
I have not liked myself for some time, and in reading books like “Crafting the Body Divine”, I realize I lack self-esteem and confidence. You need those things to carry yourself. People find you more attractive when you are confident, love yourself for who you are and what you are doing to improve upon. Yes this is some content I gleamed from the book, but I have to start somewhere.
I just … need to be me. I need to build up. I need … yes the help of others. I need to start caring even more so when detractors chide me and deride my efforts.
Maybe … I am needed here after all … by somebody.