i dont like ppl reading these. i only have them to calm down n get my thoughts out.
i hate being a bitchy guy i dont even like sayin tha word bitch. but i cant help it its who i am. i hate not being able to talk. not being allowed to say anything. what i think. my opinion, my side. i hate being cut off. like i dont matter. like nobody cares. and all we have around us in the world are hypocrites. everyone is a hypocrite. yea even me sometimes. i get off to call n now she doesnt want to talk. and she worried about talking past 10. i guess shes worried about gettin in trouble when the phone bill comes. but i thought the bedtime was 1030. but its ok. i can understand. shes mad. cuz while i was playin my game my mind was one tracked and i didnt hear half the things she said or she just didnt say that much bc the things i did here i responded to. i just couldnt think of anythin to talk about..bc i was playin the game so all i could think about was the game, i often tried to make conversation with that but of course she doesnt like the game bc it distracts me.. but i get into games..call me a geek. especially games where u play with other ppl.. now if it was a ps2 game it would b different. or if she was here tlkin to me.. n not ova the phone. but yea..i'm sorry that i wasnt paying attention to her. i should have been. i thought i was.. not full attention tho.. n she should have my full attention. and after i felt bad n got off to talk to her.. n she didnt feel like tlkin to me.. so yea that hurts but i guess i deserve that. and so now im going to like stop playin that game for awhile bc its messing up our communication and thats not good. bc that leads to ending and i dont want that to happen. and its not her fault. she only sayin what she thinks. and i dont want her to think its her fault n b all upset n sad n stuff bc she thinks that im depressed bc of her. when its totally the opposite. its just sometimes i dont like when she gets mad at me and doesnt hear and listen to what i have to say. or she hears it but totally ignores it. like what i say doesnt matter and its not like i have an excuse 4 everythin i just have a reason for it. idk i guess i just like her too much. love her too much bc i dont see a fault in her. bc she never makes me mad or upset unless she is upset or mad at me and how she reacts is tha only time i get upset with her. i mean theres tha guy thing. but thats just jealousy. im jealous of her guy friends. i dont want them all on her n everything gettin to hug her n touching her and flirting with her. especially when i know they like her. im mad at them not her. bc i dont get to do those things. i dont get to see her as much as they do. they see her everyday and im lucky to see her every or everyother weekend. im giving up time with my friends to spend time with her. bc i spend all week thinking about her. and seeing her is always the 1st thing on my mind. even though alot of the times when im on tha phone with her i dont act like it. bc i dont want to b look on like im clingy or somthin. i dont wanna b all smushy n stuff. cuz then i sound stupif n gay. its just i care about her awhole lot. more than i ever cared 4 someone. if it wasnt 4 her id been gone crazy right about now. but i dont know how to show that to her. i want her to know how i feel about her instead of me just sayin i love u. bc those r only words...ppl can say anything-said a good friend of mine. i want her to really know. bc i really do love her. and its so weird bc when we 1st started talkin a told her i didnt believe in love. bc my friends didnt n i didnt like love. love got on my nerve. to me love was just a word. i could think that i loved sombody but id had never actually known. til now. and i hate talking like this bc it makes me sound so soft n smushy and a punk. but i get that nice warm sensation in my chest when she speaks, when im around her is when i feel tha greatest..her parents even said they could tell. and its really funni and i dont know if its bc of her or if i got a leak in the bottle in my mind but ever since i started dating her ive become too emotional. its really starting to bug me. im glad this is long that means she wont read it. i dont want her to read it. i just needed to let things out.. i feel like callin her so bad rite now.. but i kno she doesnt want to talk to me. but i kno she cares bc she called me bac sayin that she didnt want me to go to bed upset. i want to tell her i love her soo bad. even tho she prolli doesnt want to her it bc shes still mad at me.. but ..her phone is prolli off by now.. but ok.. i have to go to bed..or less she'll b mad at me even more bc im not sleepin on time like my DR told me to do. i love this girl.ALOT