another long one i believe. (dont read it)
I hate when erica is mad. especially when it deals with me or its somthing that i did. purposely or on accident. bc i cant take that. when shes mad n doesnt tlk to me n says she doesnt care n she doesnt want to talk to me. it hurts me like alot. n it gets me going back n being n thinking like tha old me.. like no wonder all my girlfriends except 1 dumped me. im the problem.. im always the problem. every fight we have its about me n something that i've done n her being upset n angry n stuff. thats y just about everytime i look at her im like y is she with me. cuz it just doesnt seem like she should b. she should b with someone that doesnt cause prblems n hurt her feelings n stuff.. well i dont kno if she b with me 4 long or if she still is. yea call me sappy or emotional or wateva i really dont give a fuck. its just how i am. i care too much.. n it gets me so upset sometimes when she gets mad n i try to explain things to her but when i do it seems like shes not listening or doesnt hear me or doesnt care.. like one time when i got upset n she kept saying that she didnt care..she doesnt know how much that hurts everytime she says it. whether she means it or not. bc of how much i care for her.. n her saying she doesnt care 4 me back.. it just like a ton put on my heart n my chest sinks in.. i just wish she would hear me out n actually tell me if she understands or if shes listening to me or not.. i hate fighting. im the problem of the relationship. i dont think i've ever been mad at erica. theres times when i was upset but not mad. i cant b. n i guess im kinda of selfish bc i kno that every fight we've had the blame seems to lay on me so i guess im prolli bad 4 her but yet shes good for me n i want to b with her so bad. yea.. see the last couple of entries is when my tru feelings come out.. the sappy emotional feelings that i try not to get out of my head. i just wish she wasnt mad at me n knew how i felt. bc i dont think she does. if she did she would know that i wouldnt try n hurt her on purpose..i mean i trully care for her extremely but i guess she doesnt kno it bc i dont act like it prolli. im not that assertive. n i keep my thoughts to myself like ppl can read them n should know how i feel but they cant n they dont.n i guess i dont do alot of things like she has to tell me to. only bc im not sure if its alright if i do do those things.. n like n its hard to tell bc its a feeling. its bad that im always afraid that im going to lose her. bc i feel i shouldnt have her n tha 1st place n that theres other guys more interesting than me that she could tlk to. i mean she gets alot of offers. n that makes me concerned n jealous like wat if shes more interested n another guy n her telling me how close her relationships with her guy friends r.. especially when i know they like her. or know they will eventually end up liking her n want to b more than friends like that C person. which gets on my fuckin nerves. im not that mad bout him liking her..bc i kno alot of ppl will.. its tha respect. he just kept bothering her bout hooking up when she has a boyfriend..me. n in tha beginning hes like im not tryin to get with u i just think ur a cool person n want to b friends.. then its like so when we gunna hook up n i like u erica n all this stuff.. didnt even think bout me. n im like hello im still here. thats just not respectfull. n also that he put on alot of stress n drama on erica bc she didnt wanna lose a friend but was tired of tha continous asking outs. n i didnt like that either. that she had to make that decision bc she shouldnt have to. n it pisses me tha fuck off. so much that i want to say tha n word. which i wont in regards to erica.. but i can tell u that i say it when i start thinkin bout it when she not on tha phone or cant hear me im like that lil n word. i should beat his fuckin ass. n that was a quote by the way. sdoesnt matter what his color is everybody can b a lazy stupid ignorant person which is wat tha word means..but yea imma go n stop tlkin bout this now. look i moved 1 thing into another. least with tha C boi my upsetness is a happy thing. i would gladly beat tha shit out of him. but i neva see himld me not to. but ot to..at least i think she told me not to. but yea..its 12 and im going to go now.