La La La, Ignoring the Yuck for the Moment
Had a moment of reliving my childhood on Saturday. Or I should say, reliving a chunk of childhood I didn't know about until after the fact. That doesn't make sense, let me explain.
When I was 13 I was very ill. As previously discussed here it was a terrible horrible no good very bad illness that caused seriously ugly things to happen. There was this girl who rode the same bus to school I did, her name was Misty Ramirez and she did her level best to make my life as hellish as possible. She was my age but my opposite in every possible way. She was tall and thin and beautiful and always had perfect (80s) hair and makeup and the latest clothes and she was one of the beautiful people with everything she could ever want and her parents spoiled her rotten and it showed in her every action, and not in the nice way. The symptoms of my illness were obvious and I looked and felt like an escapee from a leper colony. My teen years were pretty much made of suck and fail. Misty convinced the other kids on the bus that I had AIDS. It was the mid-80s, nobody knew better. (Dood, it's 2K11 and most people still don't know any better, what am I saying?) This was made so much worse by the fact that she was related by a couple of marriages to my step-family, and insisted on calling my step-father "Uncle Tim" to further reinforce that I didn't really belong. She was a grade A prime piece of bitch.
On one of the many occasions that I was taken to the doctor's office by my mother (and one of the rare times that I wasn't in the ER instead) we were waiting in the large outer office shared by all the doctors when Misty and her mother came in to the waiting room. I noted that she had arrived and proceeded to do my very best to look only at the fish tank or the floor so as to not notice her pointing and whispering as she did on the bus. My mother, however, did no such thing. While I was used to keeping my head down, literally and figuratively, my mother was quite perceptive and noticed my rapid withdrawal, so she started watching. According to her, Misty's mother stared the entire time that we were in the room. I don't know, I was watching the fish and pretending to be part of the furniture. Unbeknownst to me, my mother got revenge for me by "accidentally" (accidentally!on!purpose) grinding her heel into the instep of Misty's mother on her way out the door, and she happened to be wearing heels that day, a rare occurrence.
I had no idea. Years later my mom related this story to me. I did remember being in the doctor waiting room, but never had any idea what mom did, though I know she shoved me out the door with the nurse awful fast, then took forever to catch up, now I know why.
Flash Forward to Now.
Saturday mom and I went to WallyWorld because since I have no car she was afraid I would starve by not going to the grocery store (it's a mile from my house, I will not die walking there and back, and happily the weather is turning better so it's all good) so she wanted to stock me up on staples. So ok. We go about our business and I get a call from DHM so I stop off to the side and out of the way of folks to chat with him on the phone and let him know I have a ride arranged for Sunday and then we just chat for a bit and then when I am done I go to find mom who has gone down another aisle. Well, I generally wear a long sleeved sweater everywhere as I get cold easily but it was really warm in the store. When I hung up the phone (why do we still say that, nobody hangs up a cell phone, am I right?) it was really warm in the store and I was getting a little nauseous with the warm so I shrugged out of the sweater (still having on two layers of clothes, this was not a huge deal) and then went off in search of Mom. I meet up with her literally a dozen feet away and she hands me the car keys and says "you can go call your other friends in the car and I will take care of the groceries" and I reply "What? We have two baskets, and I am done on the phone." She goes on, looking over my shoulder the entire time, to tell me that she will take care of it. I am utterly puzzled. She drags me off toward the checkout and when we get there she tells me that there was a couple staring at me. I told her that if the strangest thing they had ever seen was some chick talking on a cell phone in WalMart, they needed to get out more and laughed. She was very upset. Not at me, mind you, but at strangers for staring at me for some indeterminate reason. I don't even know.
When we got out of the store finally, I told her that I was very sorry that she was upset by the bad behaviour of others but that I got over being stared at a long time ago and that I didn't want her to be bothered. She told me that she would be upset, by god, nobody had any right to stare at any of her kids like that and it was rude and uncalled for. I tried not to laugh. I know my mother has NOT had a sheltered life and that she is well aware that A) people are stupid B) people are cruel and 3) combining the two makes for misery and discontent all over the world. But I can't say that quite so bluntly to my mom. I reassured her that my self esteem was in no way hampered by stupid people. I am confident that I am clean and neat and that there are no holes in my clothes, I keep the talking out loud to myself to a minimum in public and I do my best to present the kind of appearance that will not get me on a picture list of "People of WalMart", though my mom doesn't know what PoW is so I kept that part to myself. I don't know what it was she saw (I never saw anyone staring, though not because I was trying to crawl into a fish tank as I had when I was a kid) that set her off so badly, but I did thank her for her desire to protect and defend me. (and it occurs to me that imagining being in a fish tank would of course be the direct opposite of disappearing, ha ha)
There are a LOT of things I cannot do for myself, but one of the things I can manage is to refuse to be bothered by what total strangers think of me. (or appear to think)
I suspect that one of the things that mom was worried about was that I have very obvious psoriasis outbreaks on my elbows and we have been careful not to let the ICU staff see them as they might have barred me from the room. I could indeed catch a secondary infection very easily as that is not the only open wound issue I have, but I also have been living with the problem for years now and know how to protect myself. But I will always be the baby of the family and the one that almost died. (ignoring the irony there) I suspect that she may have thought that whoever those people were decided to stare at me because I have ugly scaly icky elbows. Who the hell knows why people are rude and stare. Certainly I was not the fattest chick in the store and I was not the only one chatting on a cell phone. I don't know, maybe they were entirely appalled that I would dare to go out in public in less than perfect condition. All I have to say is that NOTHING I have is contagious, but boy howdy, I am vulnerable to EVERYTHING everyone else has. But I have been living with a fucked up immune system for years as well. (and here I laugh because though Misty was wrong and I profoundly DO NOT HAVE AIDS, I do have immune system issues, I would love to rub her nose in that, lemme tell ya. But again, I am not contagious, SHE is. Don't cough on me, bitch.)
My mom is a lioness when it comes to protecting her young. Or a bear. Whichever analogy you like best. She'll rip yer face off if you threaten one of us, even if only emotionally and from a distance.
Some days, it is nice to know I am loved. Even if I no longer need a champion to dig a heel into a tender instep, it is nice to know that it's there if I did need such a thing.
When I was 13 I was very ill. As previously discussed here it was a terrible horrible no good very bad illness that caused seriously ugly things to happen. There was this girl who rode the same bus to school I did, her name was Misty Ramirez and she did her level best to make my life as hellish as possible. She was my age but my opposite in every possible way. She was tall and thin and beautiful and always had perfect (80s) hair and makeup and the latest clothes and she was one of the beautiful people with everything she could ever want and her parents spoiled her rotten and it showed in her every action, and not in the nice way. The symptoms of my illness were obvious and I looked and felt like an escapee from a leper colony. My teen years were pretty much made of suck and fail. Misty convinced the other kids on the bus that I had AIDS. It was the mid-80s, nobody knew better. (Dood, it's 2K11 and most people still don't know any better, what am I saying?) This was made so much worse by the fact that she was related by a couple of marriages to my step-family, and insisted on calling my step-father "Uncle Tim" to further reinforce that I didn't really belong. She was a grade A prime piece of bitch.
On one of the many occasions that I was taken to the doctor's office by my mother (and one of the rare times that I wasn't in the ER instead) we were waiting in the large outer office shared by all the doctors when Misty and her mother came in to the waiting room. I noted that she had arrived and proceeded to do my very best to look only at the fish tank or the floor so as to not notice her pointing and whispering as she did on the bus. My mother, however, did no such thing. While I was used to keeping my head down, literally and figuratively, my mother was quite perceptive and noticed my rapid withdrawal, so she started watching. According to her, Misty's mother stared the entire time that we were in the room. I don't know, I was watching the fish and pretending to be part of the furniture. Unbeknownst to me, my mother got revenge for me by "accidentally" (accidentally!on!purpose) grinding her heel into the instep of Misty's mother on her way out the door, and she happened to be wearing heels that day, a rare occurrence.
I had no idea. Years later my mom related this story to me. I did remember being in the doctor waiting room, but never had any idea what mom did, though I know she shoved me out the door with the nurse awful fast, then took forever to catch up, now I know why.
Flash Forward to Now.
Saturday mom and I went to WallyWorld because since I have no car she was afraid I would starve by not going to the grocery store (it's a mile from my house, I will not die walking there and back, and happily the weather is turning better so it's all good) so she wanted to stock me up on staples. So ok. We go about our business and I get a call from DHM so I stop off to the side and out of the way of folks to chat with him on the phone and let him know I have a ride arranged for Sunday and then we just chat for a bit and then when I am done I go to find mom who has gone down another aisle. Well, I generally wear a long sleeved sweater everywhere as I get cold easily but it was really warm in the store. When I hung up the phone (why do we still say that, nobody hangs up a cell phone, am I right?) it was really warm in the store and I was getting a little nauseous with the warm so I shrugged out of the sweater (still having on two layers of clothes, this was not a huge deal) and then went off in search of Mom. I meet up with her literally a dozen feet away and she hands me the car keys and says "you can go call your other friends in the car and I will take care of the groceries" and I reply "What? We have two baskets, and I am done on the phone." She goes on, looking over my shoulder the entire time, to tell me that she will take care of it. I am utterly puzzled. She drags me off toward the checkout and when we get there she tells me that there was a couple staring at me. I told her that if the strangest thing they had ever seen was some chick talking on a cell phone in WalMart, they needed to get out more and laughed. She was very upset. Not at me, mind you, but at strangers for staring at me for some indeterminate reason. I don't even know.
When we got out of the store finally, I told her that I was very sorry that she was upset by the bad behaviour of others but that I got over being stared at a long time ago and that I didn't want her to be bothered. She told me that she would be upset, by god, nobody had any right to stare at any of her kids like that and it was rude and uncalled for. I tried not to laugh. I know my mother has NOT had a sheltered life and that she is well aware that A) people are stupid B) people are cruel and 3) combining the two makes for misery and discontent all over the world. But I can't say that quite so bluntly to my mom. I reassured her that my self esteem was in no way hampered by stupid people. I am confident that I am clean and neat and that there are no holes in my clothes, I keep the talking out loud to myself to a minimum in public and I do my best to present the kind of appearance that will not get me on a picture list of "People of WalMart", though my mom doesn't know what PoW is so I kept that part to myself. I don't know what it was she saw (I never saw anyone staring, though not because I was trying to crawl into a fish tank as I had when I was a kid) that set her off so badly, but I did thank her for her desire to protect and defend me. (and it occurs to me that imagining being in a fish tank would of course be the direct opposite of disappearing, ha ha)
There are a LOT of things I cannot do for myself, but one of the things I can manage is to refuse to be bothered by what total strangers think of me. (or appear to think)
I suspect that one of the things that mom was worried about was that I have very obvious psoriasis outbreaks on my elbows and we have been careful not to let the ICU staff see them as they might have barred me from the room. I could indeed catch a secondary infection very easily as that is not the only open wound issue I have, but I also have been living with the problem for years now and know how to protect myself. But I will always be the baby of the family and the one that almost died. (ignoring the irony there) I suspect that she may have thought that whoever those people were decided to stare at me because I have ugly scaly icky elbows. Who the hell knows why people are rude and stare. Certainly I was not the fattest chick in the store and I was not the only one chatting on a cell phone. I don't know, maybe they were entirely appalled that I would dare to go out in public in less than perfect condition. All I have to say is that NOTHING I have is contagious, but boy howdy, I am vulnerable to EVERYTHING everyone else has. But I have been living with a fucked up immune system for years as well. (and here I laugh because though Misty was wrong and I profoundly DO NOT HAVE AIDS, I do have immune system issues, I would love to rub her nose in that, lemme tell ya. But again, I am not contagious, SHE is. Don't cough on me, bitch.)
My mom is a lioness when it comes to protecting her young. Or a bear. Whichever analogy you like best. She'll rip yer face off if you threaten one of us, even if only emotionally and from a distance.
Some days, it is nice to know I am loved. Even if I no longer need a champion to dig a heel into a tender instep, it is nice to know that it's there if I did need such a thing.