apparently a whole bundle of discontent, just a dollop of content
I realized yesterday to my complete excitement that it was the 19th of March and I was not a freaking crying fucked up mess. This is good, let me tell you why. The 21st of March is the anniversary of the Unfortunate Incident and I tend to be a TOTAL FUCKTARD for days leading up and after. But not this year, and let me tell you why. I have very powerful friends who last year on the anniversary did a ritual for me that was beautiful and transforming and simply wonderful. And I've been waiting all year to see if it worked. So far, signs point toward Yes. That is fantastic. Thank you again, my sweet friends, I love you more than I can say. Fifteen Vernal Equinoxes later, I am finally dealing with the day better.
So today (and having nothing directly to do with the date for tomorrow, I think) in the middle of reading fanfic and generally wasting time, it hit me that GODSDAMMIT I am TIRED of being someones convenience. And a whole list of people from my past are on the list of GODSDAMMIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Now, let's state up front that I agreed to the relationships in question. I found the same measure of whatever fuckedupedness I was getting from them as they were getting from me.
John #1 in love with his best friend's wife, I didn't know it until too late and I got out as fast as possible after figuring it out, but was a fucking mess as a result. I don't make a great stand in unless I know going into it that I am.
Bob #1 left his wife and went back to her, and yet I stayed in the relationship because then I didn't have to make a commitment. I finally broke it off, only to still see him every once in a while simply because I could. Power corrupts, yes?
Bob #2 decades with the same common-law wife, but liked to play around and well, did I say I didn't like commitments? I dumped him for my husband and it pissed him off and he didn't speak to me after that. Until a year ago Yule, and now he is calling all the fucking time. Dood, WTF. I know I'm easy, but I'm two hours or more away AND he usually calls while he's on the road, so he's THOUSANDS of miles away AND still with her and AND he doesn't do phone sex. WTF? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME? Do you think I am going to be so frustrated with wanting you that I WILL see you when you come through town next? DOOD, GET OVER IT!
Tom #2 did you know that during the FUCKING DECADE that we have been talking on the phone that he GOT MARRIED TO SOME DYING CHICK SO SHE WOULD HAVE INSURANCE???(and didn't tell me until she was dead) Ok, points for you for your generous heart. DID I NOT PREDICT THAT YOU WOULD FAIL MISERABLY AT SEEING ME IN FEBRUARY??? And you will have some very plausible excuse reason and I will buy it because I SUCK AT TELLING YOU TO FUCK OFF BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SINGULAR ONE AND ONLY EVER MAN ON THE PLANET that has ever understood where I live in my head. Also, you know sekrit scary shit about me that I don't even tell my girlfriends. Romantic or otherwise girlfriends. Dood. You own me. AND YOU SUCK AS AN OWNER, I'M JUST SAYIN'!
Ryan. This brings me to start of the rant I had going in my head this afternoon. (yes, I have only dated one guy named Ryan, after the first, I decided not to try another) At the time of the Unfortunate Incident, I was engaged.
I was, back then, monogamous. I was 25. I wasn't the best looking chick, but I had no problem getting company. I had met this kid, and he was a kid, at the bookstore I hung out in/worked part time in/did Tarot readings in/taught classes in. I had sworn off younger guys (dating younger men NEVER worked for me, for values of didn't work that equal TOTAL FUCKED UP DISASTER including stalkers) but he was sweet and convincing and, frankly, had the potential to be at least as good in bed as half the older men I slept with. I'm shallow, deal.
After I was raped, Ryan was sweet and supportive and put up with a LOT of crying. I cried a lot. I also spent hours at a time in the bath, thank gods I didn't have to pay the hot water bill. He was fantastic for two months of me being someone else ENTIRELY from the girl he asked to marry him.
Then his parents found out he was dating a Pagan chick, and told him to dump me or they would dump his college tuition. Um. Yeah. So that engagement ended.
Funny, only two men in the entire (fucked up) history of of my sexual experience (the high school sweetheart doesn't count, I never had any desire to sleep with him so his dumping had whole OTHER issues attached) have dumped me. And one stalked me when I wouldn't take his lame closed minded ass back, the other, Ryan, just disappeared off the face of the planet. Laramie is not a very big town, but believe me, you can avoid people well nonetheless. Seriously, I managed to avoid a LOT of exes in Laramie.
But the realization that struck me, besides realizing I had so much on my psychological plate at the time, is that I never got really pissed off at Ryan about that. I mean, really, did I ACTUALLY WANT to leave Laramie and move to FUCKING AUSTIN TEXAS? No. So it is well that he dumped me, I was a total fucking basket case. BUT GODSDAMMIT it fits the pattern. How nice to realize fifteen years later that I was the manifestation of his rebellion at his parents control, and HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE CONVICTION TO STICK WITH IT.
Even the young ones have the equivalent of mid-life crisis to deal with.
I dated a LOT of midlife crisis men after that. SO GODSDAMNED MUCH EASIER TO DEAL WITH! At least they recognized that they were fucked up messes.
So now I have identified the problem. I dated men who find my inability to commit and my open and easy approach to fidelity (in that I'm easy and they may or may not be in an open relationship) convenient.
This is probably not going to change.
I love a lot of people that I do not have sex with. I have sex with people I like fine, but probably am not going to love. (and recently, that is no sex, I can't be bothered frankly) When I do have sex with someone I love, it is usually a complete fucking disaster. Sex and Love are NOT THE SAME THING.
The last two men I had sex with (and I resist the term 'make love' here on purpose) said they loved me, and I have every evidence that THEY BELIEVED THEY DID AT THE TIME, they are not bad men, just confused and fucked up. But the fact remains that they both love other women more than they ever will me, and that is just a fact of their lives. The admittedly small window of opportunity I had to say or do the thing they needed me to in order for them to make me first in line, I walked away from. If this is because of an inherent unconscious belief of mine that I do not deserve their love or simple fear of fucking up again as spectacularly as I did my marriage and later my relationship with R, (and in the process, fucking up their lives as well), I am not certain. Consequently, I have stopped talking to either of them because my version of polyamoury is NOT to be a stand in for whoever they would rather be with, I am not their convenience. And of course, I haven't made that clear to them, but neither of THEM calls me out of the blue anymore. So yeah. (OK, they would, but I only have the cel number currently and didn't bother to tell them that. I am just as evil as the next bitch, and ask me if I care.)
And if I were really being honest here, I would admit that I do love them, and can't stand the idea that they, in their inherent NOT understanding of polyamoury of any kind, are going to torture themselves with guilt because of being with me when I just don't feel guilt of that nature. You two just stay over there with your girlfriends and stop talking to me since I'm tired of sneaking around, dood, it's just not that fun anymore, really.
And while we are on the subject of guilt, there was another relationship killed by his guilt and my inability to feel it. There is no accounting for taste. He is still hung up on her, taking him off the playing field, so yeah, guilt I CAN'T EVEN FEEL kills my relationships. How much does that suck.
And yet, feeling pretty ok with all that.
Now if I could just FUCKING STOP WANTING THE ONE MAN ON THE FUCKING PLANET I WANT and realize that the seriously fucked up situation that he is is really not healthy for me, well, then life would just be peachy wouldn't it?
And that seems to be the problem. I KNOW I deserve better than he is willing or capable of giving me, and yet, I am unwilling to settle for less, because the investment of time and understanding, while lacking certain returns, is still there no matter what. He knows where the switches are in my head, he knows what triggers my devotion, he knows who lives in my head, my heart. And I am too lazy to reconstruct that with anyone else. Truthfully, too scared to reconstruct that with anyone else.
I do NOT have the energy or wherewithal or patience or whatever it is to do it again. The two or three people on the planet I feel that sort of bone deep trust in, well, they're married. And I don't do the married anymore.
Surprisingly, I'm ok with that too.
I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that a year ago this time I did a ritual (separate from the one my friends did for me) to encourage the acceptance of love in my life. As I was falling asleep, I realized that writing lets me love myself again, creative writing, even silly fanfiction, makes me love who I am and remember who I was, she is still in me. I fell asleep smiling.
So today (and having nothing directly to do with the date for tomorrow, I think) in the middle of reading fanfic and generally wasting time, it hit me that GODSDAMMIT I am TIRED of being someones convenience. And a whole list of people from my past are on the list of GODSDAMMIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Now, let's state up front that I agreed to the relationships in question. I found the same measure of whatever fuckedupedness I was getting from them as they were getting from me.
John #1 in love with his best friend's wife, I didn't know it until too late and I got out as fast as possible after figuring it out, but was a fucking mess as a result. I don't make a great stand in unless I know going into it that I am.
Bob #1 left his wife and went back to her, and yet I stayed in the relationship because then I didn't have to make a commitment. I finally broke it off, only to still see him every once in a while simply because I could. Power corrupts, yes?
Bob #2 decades with the same common-law wife, but liked to play around and well, did I say I didn't like commitments? I dumped him for my husband and it pissed him off and he didn't speak to me after that. Until a year ago Yule, and now he is calling all the fucking time. Dood, WTF. I know I'm easy, but I'm two hours or more away AND he usually calls while he's on the road, so he's THOUSANDS of miles away AND still with her and AND he doesn't do phone sex. WTF? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME? Do you think I am going to be so frustrated with wanting you that I WILL see you when you come through town next? DOOD, GET OVER IT!
Tom #2 did you know that during the FUCKING DECADE that we have been talking on the phone that he GOT MARRIED TO SOME DYING CHICK SO SHE WOULD HAVE INSURANCE???(and didn't tell me until she was dead) Ok, points for you for your generous heart. DID I NOT PREDICT THAT YOU WOULD FAIL MISERABLY AT SEEING ME IN FEBRUARY??? And you will have some very plausible excuse reason and I will buy it because I SUCK AT TELLING YOU TO FUCK OFF BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SINGULAR ONE AND ONLY EVER MAN ON THE PLANET that has ever understood where I live in my head. Also, you know sekrit scary shit about me that I don't even tell my girlfriends. Romantic or otherwise girlfriends. Dood. You own me. AND YOU SUCK AS AN OWNER, I'M JUST SAYIN'!
Ryan. This brings me to start of the rant I had going in my head this afternoon. (yes, I have only dated one guy named Ryan, after the first, I decided not to try another) At the time of the Unfortunate Incident, I was engaged.
I was, back then, monogamous. I was 25. I wasn't the best looking chick, but I had no problem getting company. I had met this kid, and he was a kid, at the bookstore I hung out in/worked part time in/did Tarot readings in/taught classes in. I had sworn off younger guys (dating younger men NEVER worked for me, for values of didn't work that equal TOTAL FUCKED UP DISASTER including stalkers) but he was sweet and convincing and, frankly, had the potential to be at least as good in bed as half the older men I slept with. I'm shallow, deal.
After I was raped, Ryan was sweet and supportive and put up with a LOT of crying. I cried a lot. I also spent hours at a time in the bath, thank gods I didn't have to pay the hot water bill. He was fantastic for two months of me being someone else ENTIRELY from the girl he asked to marry him.
Then his parents found out he was dating a Pagan chick, and told him to dump me or they would dump his college tuition. Um. Yeah. So that engagement ended.
Funny, only two men in the entire (fucked up) history of of my sexual experience (the high school sweetheart doesn't count, I never had any desire to sleep with him so his dumping had whole OTHER issues attached) have dumped me. And one stalked me when I wouldn't take his lame closed minded ass back, the other, Ryan, just disappeared off the face of the planet. Laramie is not a very big town, but believe me, you can avoid people well nonetheless. Seriously, I managed to avoid a LOT of exes in Laramie.
But the realization that struck me, besides realizing I had so much on my psychological plate at the time, is that I never got really pissed off at Ryan about that. I mean, really, did I ACTUALLY WANT to leave Laramie and move to FUCKING AUSTIN TEXAS? No. So it is well that he dumped me, I was a total fucking basket case. BUT GODSDAMMIT it fits the pattern. How nice to realize fifteen years later that I was the manifestation of his rebellion at his parents control, and HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE CONVICTION TO STICK WITH IT.
Even the young ones have the equivalent of mid-life crisis to deal with.
I dated a LOT of midlife crisis men after that. SO GODSDAMNED MUCH EASIER TO DEAL WITH! At least they recognized that they were fucked up messes.
So now I have identified the problem. I dated men who find my inability to commit and my open and easy approach to fidelity (in that I'm easy and they may or may not be in an open relationship) convenient.
This is probably not going to change.
I love a lot of people that I do not have sex with. I have sex with people I like fine, but probably am not going to love. (and recently, that is no sex, I can't be bothered frankly) When I do have sex with someone I love, it is usually a complete fucking disaster. Sex and Love are NOT THE SAME THING.
The last two men I had sex with (and I resist the term 'make love' here on purpose) said they loved me, and I have every evidence that THEY BELIEVED THEY DID AT THE TIME, they are not bad men, just confused and fucked up. But the fact remains that they both love other women more than they ever will me, and that is just a fact of their lives. The admittedly small window of opportunity I had to say or do the thing they needed me to in order for them to make me first in line, I walked away from. If this is because of an inherent unconscious belief of mine that I do not deserve their love or simple fear of fucking up again as spectacularly as I did my marriage and later my relationship with R, (and in the process, fucking up their lives as well), I am not certain. Consequently, I have stopped talking to either of them because my version of polyamoury is NOT to be a stand in for whoever they would rather be with, I am not their convenience. And of course, I haven't made that clear to them, but neither of THEM calls me out of the blue anymore. So yeah. (OK, they would, but I only have the cel number currently and didn't bother to tell them that. I am just as evil as the next bitch, and ask me if I care.)
And if I were really being honest here, I would admit that I do love them, and can't stand the idea that they, in their inherent NOT understanding of polyamoury of any kind, are going to torture themselves with guilt because of being with me when I just don't feel guilt of that nature. You two just stay over there with your girlfriends and stop talking to me since I'm tired of sneaking around, dood, it's just not that fun anymore, really.
And while we are on the subject of guilt, there was another relationship killed by his guilt and my inability to feel it. There is no accounting for taste. He is still hung up on her, taking him off the playing field, so yeah, guilt I CAN'T EVEN FEEL kills my relationships. How much does that suck.
And yet, feeling pretty ok with all that.
Now if I could just FUCKING STOP WANTING THE ONE MAN ON THE FUCKING PLANET I WANT and realize that the seriously fucked up situation that he is is really not healthy for me, well, then life would just be peachy wouldn't it?
And that seems to be the problem. I KNOW I deserve better than he is willing or capable of giving me, and yet, I am unwilling to settle for less, because the investment of time and understanding, while lacking certain returns, is still there no matter what. He knows where the switches are in my head, he knows what triggers my devotion, he knows who lives in my head, my heart. And I am too lazy to reconstruct that with anyone else. Truthfully, too scared to reconstruct that with anyone else.
I do NOT have the energy or wherewithal or patience or whatever it is to do it again. The two or three people on the planet I feel that sort of bone deep trust in, well, they're married. And I don't do the married anymore.
Surprisingly, I'm ok with that too.
I was thinking last night as I fell asleep that a year ago this time I did a ritual (separate from the one my friends did for me) to encourage the acceptance of love in my life. As I was falling asleep, I realized that writing lets me love myself again, creative writing, even silly fanfiction, makes me love who I am and remember who I was, she is still in me. I fell asleep smiling.