Monday All Day but also Some Full to the Brim with Win in the evening
Welcome to the GeorgiaMagnolia Recovery Programme, where I fight irrational irritability and misplaced anger issues. Grief sux, but we all know that. So another Day of Difficulty is done, thank you gods.
To make things OH SO much better I spent my evening chatting with SweetieGirl on the phone, ALWAYS FULL OF WIN, though she gots da code indna node while she was on vacation, poor sweetie thing. Send lots of chicken soup thoughts her way. and hugs!
Then I chatted with My Darling Boyo. I know, I know.
Here's the thing though, he's the only one I have ever met that wasn't scared of the stuff in my head, the dark places in my psyche, the things I think and feel and know deep down in me. I can't give him up for that very reason. No other partner has ever taken the time and had the patience to burrow that far in, to push the boundaries I didn't know I had or wanted to breach.
Gods know I have tried to stop loving him. I thought I had on more than one occasion, but no.
Something uncanny happens, some alchemical connection is tripped, we get into one another's head, and I can't stop the rush, and I don't want to stop it, I want to ride it until we find the end of it. But there never seems to be an end.
No one living knows me as well, knows what I am saying when I am incapable of articulate thought, knows what I want when I have no vocabulary to express or describe it.
I have resisted, I have denied, I have tried to go blithely forward with the resolution to be strong and not give in... all knowing that I was his as soon as his voice in my ear says "well hi there" the way he does.
The simple truth is that I have lived my whole life without the people I love over and over again, my father died, my first love announced his desired engagement to another girl, my college years were filled with relationships I had on the sly with men who were afraid to be seen with someone as much younger than them as I was. After college were relationships I kept deliberately light, too afraid of the wrenching pain of those lost connections, the ripping out of tender roots of feeling, and when I did chance it, it was always the wrong time with what could have been the right man, if I had come along at a different time, after he got over his last love, his best friend's wife, his ex-wife, whatever. Maybe I wasn't patient enough, I surely wasn't strong enough because the separation more than once made me tiptoe along the edge of the pills and blades. When I finally woke up to the fact that there would never be a man worth my life in that manner, I also woke up to the fact that I had buried whole icebergs worth of self under the sea of my psyche. And I didn't care too much. I got engaged because he was sweet, good in bed and wanted me. Right up until his parents told him to choose between their money or marrying a witch. Guess who won that argument. Yeah, wasn't me. I did finally marry, and it was a huge cluster, he wanted to rescue me and I wanted someone I could listen to forever. Neither of us got what we expected. We ended up friends, and that is more than a lot of people can say. But he never knew the underneath, the murky waters where I really live. I just don't let anyone swim in them. Anymore. Until MDB.
So I suppose that what I have really been doing these last several months in trying to forget that connection, to erase the years of talking, to weed out the tap root of that feeling is to bring on a manageable amount of loss rather than the inevitable avalanche of sorrow I will have when someday MDB really does stop calling and writing and breakingmaking promises to come to me and I will again have to reform my psyche around the wound left by the loss of another love.
I have lived my whole life recovering from the losses of people I love. Family, friends, lovers, death, moves, changes in the course of life and love, so many things serve to separate me from those loved ones, and though I know that I can recover, I am tired of the process.
Life is really hellishly short.
I do things I know I shouldn't because I never know if maybe this time will be the last time. Planes crash, unknown aneurysms burst, hurricane and tornado and flood and fire happens. Life is really godsdamned short. I will have whatever pleasure stops by my way, however fleeting, because life is too fucking short not to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also full to the brim with win today was the mail bringing me a CD by Snow Patrol, A Hundred Million Suns. Northern Ireland produces some great music, here's proof.
This song was used in one of my CopShows, In Plain Sight (will Marshall finally fess up that he is in love with Mary? will Mary come through surgery ok? will Jinx go back to drinking with Mary on her possible deathbed? will it EVAR BE SPRING SO I CAN WATCH MORE In Plain Sight??? GAH?!!)
Yeah, not the best video, YouTube, but who cares, listen to that ethereal voice, omgwtfgmsc!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tune in next time for more GeorgiaMagnolia Recovery Theatre!
(I have to make jokes or all I will do is sit around and cry and be pissed off. Sux, but what can ya do.)
To make things OH SO much better I spent my evening chatting with SweetieGirl on the phone, ALWAYS FULL OF WIN, though she gots da code indna node while she was on vacation, poor sweetie thing. Send lots of chicken soup thoughts her way. and hugs!
Then I chatted with My Darling Boyo. I know, I know.
Here's the thing though, he's the only one I have ever met that wasn't scared of the stuff in my head, the dark places in my psyche, the things I think and feel and know deep down in me. I can't give him up for that very reason. No other partner has ever taken the time and had the patience to burrow that far in, to push the boundaries I didn't know I had or wanted to breach.
Gods know I have tried to stop loving him. I thought I had on more than one occasion, but no.
Something uncanny happens, some alchemical connection is tripped, we get into one another's head, and I can't stop the rush, and I don't want to stop it, I want to ride it until we find the end of it. But there never seems to be an end.
No one living knows me as well, knows what I am saying when I am incapable of articulate thought, knows what I want when I have no vocabulary to express or describe it.
I have resisted, I have denied, I have tried to go blithely forward with the resolution to be strong and not give in... all knowing that I was his as soon as his voice in my ear says "well hi there" the way he does.
The simple truth is that I have lived my whole life without the people I love over and over again, my father died, my first love announced his desired engagement to another girl, my college years were filled with relationships I had on the sly with men who were afraid to be seen with someone as much younger than them as I was. After college were relationships I kept deliberately light, too afraid of the wrenching pain of those lost connections, the ripping out of tender roots of feeling, and when I did chance it, it was always the wrong time with what could have been the right man, if I had come along at a different time, after he got over his last love, his best friend's wife, his ex-wife, whatever. Maybe I wasn't patient enough, I surely wasn't strong enough because the separation more than once made me tiptoe along the edge of the pills and blades. When I finally woke up to the fact that there would never be a man worth my life in that manner, I also woke up to the fact that I had buried whole icebergs worth of self under the sea of my psyche. And I didn't care too much. I got engaged because he was sweet, good in bed and wanted me. Right up until his parents told him to choose between their money or marrying a witch. Guess who won that argument. Yeah, wasn't me. I did finally marry, and it was a huge cluster, he wanted to rescue me and I wanted someone I could listen to forever. Neither of us got what we expected. We ended up friends, and that is more than a lot of people can say. But he never knew the underneath, the murky waters where I really live. I just don't let anyone swim in them. Anymore. Until MDB.
So I suppose that what I have really been doing these last several months in trying to forget that connection, to erase the years of talking, to weed out the tap root of that feeling is to bring on a manageable amount of loss rather than the inevitable avalanche of sorrow I will have when someday MDB really does stop calling and writing and breakingmaking promises to come to me and I will again have to reform my psyche around the wound left by the loss of another love.
I have lived my whole life recovering from the losses of people I love. Family, friends, lovers, death, moves, changes in the course of life and love, so many things serve to separate me from those loved ones, and though I know that I can recover, I am tired of the process.
Life is really hellishly short.
I do things I know I shouldn't because I never know if maybe this time will be the last time. Planes crash, unknown aneurysms burst, hurricane and tornado and flood and fire happens. Life is really godsdamned short. I will have whatever pleasure stops by my way, however fleeting, because life is too fucking short not to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Also full to the brim with win today was the mail bringing me a CD by Snow Patrol, A Hundred Million Suns. Northern Ireland produces some great music, here's proof.
Click to viewThis song was used in one of my CopShows, In Plain Sight (will Marshall finally fess up that he is in love with Mary? will Mary come through surgery ok? will Jinx go back to drinking with Mary on her possible deathbed? will it EVAR BE SPRING SO I CAN WATCH MORE In Plain Sight??? GAH?!!)
Yeah, not the best video, YouTube, but who cares, listen to that ethereal voice, omgwtfgmsc!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tune in next time for more GeorgiaMagnolia Recovery Theatre!
(I have to make jokes or all I will do is sit around and cry and be pissed off. Sux, but what can ya do.)