Dayenu
I went home for Passover for the first time in 4 years over the weekend. I was glad to have the chance and me and my mom had a fun time making delicacies like matzah lasagna (matzlagna?) I talked to my mom's cousin Sandi about Israel and my cousin Richard about theatre, and I also explained the brand new Miriam Cup that my mom bought me for the seder table. But the whole experience was more disquieting than it was comforting. For one thing, my extended family still thinks I'm 12 years old. I was pouring wine for the First Cup when one of my aunts shouted, "Stop, Jorie, there's wine in that!" I glared at her and said with annoyance bordering on rudeness, "I KNOW." Then when they said the bracha I downed it like a shot, earning me worried looks from my dad. Even though I missed my family seders, I've picked up a lot of good experiences from the seder I went to in Israel and Joel and Nessa's last year. They managed to make it meaningful but fun and interactive at the same time. Then I come back and my aunt Boobie (that's her nickname, have NO idea how to write it out phoenetically) just recites everything so fast that we barely even sing and I have a hard time keeping up.
It's also uncomfortable because my family is in a state of flux right now. Some good changes, like my brother getting married and my cousin Benjy getting into the residency that he wanted after med school. But a lot of BAD changes that make things really tense, almost to the point where I am starting to be very reluctant to go to family functions. To the point where I would not subject my friends to my extended family. My grandma is going to be 94 and my great-aunt is creeping closer to 100. They used to do very well on their own, but they've officially crossed over from being "old" to "ancient." They are losing their physical capabilities and my great-aunt is in near constant pain. When my aunts and mom get into arguements with/over them, my instinct is to escape. If I could curl up into a ball in a dark closet, I would.
My aunt Boobie has also been more . . . mentally interesting lately (trying so hard to be polite about this). She lead the seders ever since my great-grandpa died a long time ago, but the first night she was really flustered and kept messing up and losing her place. I wanted to help and at one point launched into the Birkat Hamazon (grace after meal) and said about a page of it all in Hebrew. My family was quite impressed since most everyone else reads in English, and my aunt said, "Looks like you might take over next year." I'm sure she meant it in a nice way, but with her normal voice, it's hard to tell. I've pretty much been selected to be the next person to lead family services since I was five. People made jokes about me "chomping at the bit" to "take over the reins," but I was just worried that I had embarrassed her. The next night she was better though. I know having issues with family are normal for most people, but it's still raw for me since I believed for a long time, pretty much until the middle of college, that my family was perfect.
It's also uncomfortable because my family is in a state of flux right now. Some good changes, like my brother getting married and my cousin Benjy getting into the residency that he wanted after med school. But a lot of BAD changes that make things really tense, almost to the point where I am starting to be very reluctant to go to family functions. To the point where I would not subject my friends to my extended family. My grandma is going to be 94 and my great-aunt is creeping closer to 100. They used to do very well on their own, but they've officially crossed over from being "old" to "ancient." They are losing their physical capabilities and my great-aunt is in near constant pain. When my aunts and mom get into arguements with/over them, my instinct is to escape. If I could curl up into a ball in a dark closet, I would.
My aunt Boobie has also been more . . . mentally interesting lately (trying so hard to be polite about this). She lead the seders ever since my great-grandpa died a long time ago, but the first night she was really flustered and kept messing up and losing her place. I wanted to help and at one point launched into the Birkat Hamazon (grace after meal) and said about a page of it all in Hebrew. My family was quite impressed since most everyone else reads in English, and my aunt said, "Looks like you might take over next year." I'm sure she meant it in a nice way, but with her normal voice, it's hard to tell. I've pretty much been selected to be the next person to lead family services since I was five. People made jokes about me "chomping at the bit" to "take over the reins," but I was just worried that I had embarrassed her. The next night she was better though. I know having issues with family are normal for most people, but it's still raw for me since I believed for a long time, pretty much until the middle of college, that my family was perfect.