in a year...
It's game day!!
Game day is always a good day to start over. It's nice to have so many ACC fans in such a diverse city.
I think I'm done with flings for now. I think I've finally realized that most of the reason that I have flings is to fight for control in my own life. But I don't have to. I finally realized that I do want to care. I don't want to live a facade of strength anymore. It's still good for me to guard my heart but I don't have to do that by setting up situations for myself that will never stir feelings. Lust sucks. Seriously. It's evil and I had no idea how scary and manipulating it can be. I thought if I could at least be on the other side I wouldn't get hurt.
The only problem is that eventually it comes back around. Especially when alcohol is involved. I could use alcohol to my advantage (usually) but it's ultimate purpose is to make you vulnerable in times you might not want to be. Ironically alcohol was responsible for showing me what I've been missing.. but in a way that I would have rather avoided.
Before you guys think I'm an alcoholic I will go back and explain a few things. I am generally speaking about a whole years worth of time. In the past year I have enjoyed the night-life here enough times to have a few slip ups along the way. At the same time I had some major rules for myself: 1) no real info (name, job..) 2) Only kissing within the parameter of the bar and only outside if within 20 feet of the front door 3) no real numbers or contact after 24 hours of first interaction. I was sort of a pro at keeping these rules and therefore keeping the intimacy level to as minimum as possible. I got extra points for myself if the guy wanted further interaction in which I had to shoot down.. and I took infinite pleasure in their discomfort (more so if they were the very attractive "alpha male" type). I laughed at the guy for being so vulnerable and so drunk. I told him he should have seen it coming and that he chose to put himself in the situation. Clearly he did not know the rules.
Over time I believed that I had mastered the art of being a guy. I could have casual interactions with guys I found attractive and have absolutely no desire to ever see him again afterwards. I realized that guys, unlike most girls, would usually make this pretty easy because they DID in fact know the rules and we left the interaction just as it was.
I found that guys actually liked that I was like this and when I told my guy friends (sober) how my weekend adventures typically went down, they found it amusing. Guys always seem to want a stab at the unreachable (non-slut) tease. If a girl repeats all of my behaviors and then sleeps with the guy or takes it any further then kissing, the situation is completely different. The girl is no longer a tease. She's just plain easy. Any girl can be easy... no challenge there.
I would also find it impossible to sleep with a guy and not care. Like I said, I care a lot. I just don't let guys know that. I basically created a scenario for myself where I could manipulate the environment to work to my advantage. Outside of that environment I would be lost. And I am. I found that I just can't give a guy my real name in the middle of the day and have any success in showing him that I don't care. Because I do. I care more than most of the population- male and female. I always have. It's the downfall and twisted irony of what our world is today. People who care finish last. Especially guys. And they know this.. and they try really hard to act like they don't for the same reason I do. They don't want to be rejected for having genuine feelings. From people like me on the weekends. What goes around comes around... and I have no idea why I thought I was exempt from that rule.
I value purity so much. Purity is precious. I somehow thought that as long as there are no feelings involved and I limited myself only to kissing that it would help me to preserve my purity. I still consider myself pure.. I don't feel like my behavior has changed that. But my heart hurts and it desires something real and something so much better than a fling. In that way I feel like I have put purity on the back shelf. I have neglected myself and my needs. I have substituted something I really want for something that will help me to feel in control and confident for the time being. I have built a world for myself that is void of vulnerability.
Before I say that I want to be vulnerable all of the time, let me say that I'm not necessarily disappointed in how the last year of my life has progressed. I have been in a healing process and I have been very smart to keep myself from becoming too vulnerable in the wrong times. I have just realized that this phase would have to eventually pass because it is not substantial and it honestly takes a lot of effort to maintain. I thought it was hard to make yourself not like someone but it is almost just as hard to keep up the mind frame of not caring.
I still want to have respect for myself and to have high-standards. I want to be careful who I give myself to. I just want to lay off the flirting with strangers thing for a little bit. I definitely need God's help because I think the alternative might be loneliness for the time being. I still don't have a firm group of friends here so it makes it very difficult to not get caught up in the weekend fun.
I can't promise that it'll never happen again. It's not really easy for me to do the 5 step dating thing. When guys pursue me it still freaks me out. I just have to hope that eventually this will change for me and I will find a guy that I actually WANT to pursue me. Until then, I'm going to pray. And be patient. And forgive myself. And love myself. That is all I can really do.
Game day is always a good day to start over. It's nice to have so many ACC fans in such a diverse city.
I think I'm done with flings for now. I think I've finally realized that most of the reason that I have flings is to fight for control in my own life. But I don't have to. I finally realized that I do want to care. I don't want to live a facade of strength anymore. It's still good for me to guard my heart but I don't have to do that by setting up situations for myself that will never stir feelings. Lust sucks. Seriously. It's evil and I had no idea how scary and manipulating it can be. I thought if I could at least be on the other side I wouldn't get hurt.
The only problem is that eventually it comes back around. Especially when alcohol is involved. I could use alcohol to my advantage (usually) but it's ultimate purpose is to make you vulnerable in times you might not want to be. Ironically alcohol was responsible for showing me what I've been missing.. but in a way that I would have rather avoided.
Before you guys think I'm an alcoholic I will go back and explain a few things. I am generally speaking about a whole years worth of time. In the past year I have enjoyed the night-life here enough times to have a few slip ups along the way. At the same time I had some major rules for myself: 1) no real info (name, job..) 2) Only kissing within the parameter of the bar and only outside if within 20 feet of the front door 3) no real numbers or contact after 24 hours of first interaction. I was sort of a pro at keeping these rules and therefore keeping the intimacy level to as minimum as possible. I got extra points for myself if the guy wanted further interaction in which I had to shoot down.. and I took infinite pleasure in their discomfort (more so if they were the very attractive "alpha male" type). I laughed at the guy for being so vulnerable and so drunk. I told him he should have seen it coming and that he chose to put himself in the situation. Clearly he did not know the rules.
Over time I believed that I had mastered the art of being a guy. I could have casual interactions with guys I found attractive and have absolutely no desire to ever see him again afterwards. I realized that guys, unlike most girls, would usually make this pretty easy because they DID in fact know the rules and we left the interaction just as it was.
I found that guys actually liked that I was like this and when I told my guy friends (sober) how my weekend adventures typically went down, they found it amusing. Guys always seem to want a stab at the unreachable (non-slut) tease. If a girl repeats all of my behaviors and then sleeps with the guy or takes it any further then kissing, the situation is completely different. The girl is no longer a tease. She's just plain easy. Any girl can be easy... no challenge there.
I would also find it impossible to sleep with a guy and not care. Like I said, I care a lot. I just don't let guys know that. I basically created a scenario for myself where I could manipulate the environment to work to my advantage. Outside of that environment I would be lost. And I am. I found that I just can't give a guy my real name in the middle of the day and have any success in showing him that I don't care. Because I do. I care more than most of the population- male and female. I always have. It's the downfall and twisted irony of what our world is today. People who care finish last. Especially guys. And they know this.. and they try really hard to act like they don't for the same reason I do. They don't want to be rejected for having genuine feelings. From people like me on the weekends. What goes around comes around... and I have no idea why I thought I was exempt from that rule.
I value purity so much. Purity is precious. I somehow thought that as long as there are no feelings involved and I limited myself only to kissing that it would help me to preserve my purity. I still consider myself pure.. I don't feel like my behavior has changed that. But my heart hurts and it desires something real and something so much better than a fling. In that way I feel like I have put purity on the back shelf. I have neglected myself and my needs. I have substituted something I really want for something that will help me to feel in control and confident for the time being. I have built a world for myself that is void of vulnerability.
Before I say that I want to be vulnerable all of the time, let me say that I'm not necessarily disappointed in how the last year of my life has progressed. I have been in a healing process and I have been very smart to keep myself from becoming too vulnerable in the wrong times. I have just realized that this phase would have to eventually pass because it is not substantial and it honestly takes a lot of effort to maintain. I thought it was hard to make yourself not like someone but it is almost just as hard to keep up the mind frame of not caring.
I still want to have respect for myself and to have high-standards. I want to be careful who I give myself to. I just want to lay off the flirting with strangers thing for a little bit. I definitely need God's help because I think the alternative might be loneliness for the time being. I still don't have a firm group of friends here so it makes it very difficult to not get caught up in the weekend fun.
I can't promise that it'll never happen again. It's not really easy for me to do the 5 step dating thing. When guys pursue me it still freaks me out. I just have to hope that eventually this will change for me and I will find a guy that I actually WANT to pursue me. Until then, I'm going to pray. And be patient. And forgive myself. And love myself. That is all I can really do.