(no subject)
I've changed my mind about what I think about commitment. I have always thought that I am a person that doesn't like commitment because I am free spirited and independent. Though it is true that I am these things, I think I can actually be a very committed person as well.
So why haven't I been? It is easy for me to commit to some things like my friends and even certain "loyalties" (i.e. my coffee shop and favorite running paths). I also take things very seriously and it's hard to nail myself down to one idea or behavior. I've often become frustrated with my relationship with God because it is one area that I want to be committed the most but I am weary more of myself and my skepticism than I am of God's love and plan for me. I think overall I am committed to God but I have tried lately not to flaunt this because there are still so many things that I'm working out.
Until someone comes along and convinces me that their desires are legitimate, I will not make any kind of effort to commit. I will also not commit unless I am almost positively sure that those feelings are real. Relationships to me are a form of commitment. They might not be at the same level as engagement or marriage, but they are not to be taken lightly. I've had many flings, many weekend crushes, many guy friends, many first and last dates, many first and last kisses....but still nothing solid. I don't allow myself to talk to someone longer than about 3 weeks because that usually takes relationship form without the words to define it. Most of the guys that I do this with are guys that I trust that seem to really want something solid... and permanent. I can't really define my life in 5 years at this point so the permanency is a hard thing to do.
I want genuine feelings but I don't want anything quick and irrational. I haven't had much of a chance to just gradually get to know a guy over a couple of months before the actual relationship starts. For some reason it’s always rushed and before I know it I have to make a decision to measure up or get out. Since I'm at no place to try to match the feelings I always choose to get out.
I want to commit. If I were with someone that I felt right with I would have no problem making a commitment. But commitments have to start small and get bigger. I haven't made very many small ones lately and I'm definitely not up for making any drastic ones any time soon. I don't believe in making multiple commitments over and over with different people, because I feel like the whole process starts to get taken lightly. I never make promises about my feelings because I've learned that they change easily. However I definitely don't think this will always be so. I think my feelings will be remarkably stable when I am with somebody I feel right with. That just hasn't happened yet.
I could help the process on my part by taking more risks, but at the same time I have done a lot of good for myself by not taking careless risks. I have made it a little harder for myself to start a relationship, but at the same time I have prepared the situation so that the guy I do take a risk with ought to feel very special. I think it’s a good thing to have high standards. It’s also a good thing to trust and to give people a chance, but I can still gage how much I want to do this without getting too close. I don’t think it’s too bad of a situation to have. If I am 40 one day and still having the same trust issues, I might try to figure that out. For now I think I am normal and that I want to take things slow. Maybe God always knew that I would need this alone time to establish myself because once I am finally committed to a guy I am going to want to give him a lot more than I can right now. And I am fine with that.
People definitely approach relationships in many different ways. I’m just going to accept that in the end I will get the best of both worlds and not try to rush myself to make it happen.
So why haven't I been? It is easy for me to commit to some things like my friends and even certain "loyalties" (i.e. my coffee shop and favorite running paths). I also take things very seriously and it's hard to nail myself down to one idea or behavior. I've often become frustrated with my relationship with God because it is one area that I want to be committed the most but I am weary more of myself and my skepticism than I am of God's love and plan for me. I think overall I am committed to God but I have tried lately not to flaunt this because there are still so many things that I'm working out.
Until someone comes along and convinces me that their desires are legitimate, I will not make any kind of effort to commit. I will also not commit unless I am almost positively sure that those feelings are real. Relationships to me are a form of commitment. They might not be at the same level as engagement or marriage, but they are not to be taken lightly. I've had many flings, many weekend crushes, many guy friends, many first and last dates, many first and last kisses....but still nothing solid. I don't allow myself to talk to someone longer than about 3 weeks because that usually takes relationship form without the words to define it. Most of the guys that I do this with are guys that I trust that seem to really want something solid... and permanent. I can't really define my life in 5 years at this point so the permanency is a hard thing to do.
I want genuine feelings but I don't want anything quick and irrational. I haven't had much of a chance to just gradually get to know a guy over a couple of months before the actual relationship starts. For some reason it’s always rushed and before I know it I have to make a decision to measure up or get out. Since I'm at no place to try to match the feelings I always choose to get out.
I want to commit. If I were with someone that I felt right with I would have no problem making a commitment. But commitments have to start small and get bigger. I haven't made very many small ones lately and I'm definitely not up for making any drastic ones any time soon. I don't believe in making multiple commitments over and over with different people, because I feel like the whole process starts to get taken lightly. I never make promises about my feelings because I've learned that they change easily. However I definitely don't think this will always be so. I think my feelings will be remarkably stable when I am with somebody I feel right with. That just hasn't happened yet.
I could help the process on my part by taking more risks, but at the same time I have done a lot of good for myself by not taking careless risks. I have made it a little harder for myself to start a relationship, but at the same time I have prepared the situation so that the guy I do take a risk with ought to feel very special. I think it’s a good thing to have high standards. It’s also a good thing to trust and to give people a chance, but I can still gage how much I want to do this without getting too close. I don’t think it’s too bad of a situation to have. If I am 40 one day and still having the same trust issues, I might try to figure that out. For now I think I am normal and that I want to take things slow. Maybe God always knew that I would need this alone time to establish myself because once I am finally committed to a guy I am going to want to give him a lot more than I can right now. And I am fine with that.
People definitely approach relationships in many different ways. I’m just going to accept that in the end I will get the best of both worlds and not try to rush myself to make it happen.