Fashion Tax?
THE NEW BLACK
By Tricia Wolfenden
Friday, April 06, 2007
Dress for the common man
This week, my esteemed colleague and partner-in-all-things-cynical Troy Reimink proposed a solution to Michigan's fiscal quandary: tax people for having bad taste. Example, movie-goers who flock to see "The Reaping" would pay an additional $2 per ticket charge paid directly into the state pot. It's a good -- nay, great -- plan.
Troy passed along a reader's suggestion for an extra tax for people who've never met a lame fashion trend they didn't like. He thought perhaps the New Black would like to make a few amendments to the "hooplehead tax plan" as it applies to fashion faux pas. (FYI: Hooplehead, a "term popularized by HBO's 'Deadwood' is defined by the Urban Dictionary as 'a member of the ignorant masses; an uneducated commoner; an idiot.").
Anywho, under the hooplehead tax plan, the following fashion offenses would require financial restitution be made to the state government:
Sporting an Emo-ver
Are you a male ages 17 to 28? Is your hair purposely cut into an asymmetrical shape? Do you have bangs? If so, do they fall sensitively over one eye? Do you often make a great production of pushing/pulling/shaking these bangs onto your face, rather than off of it?
If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," you must fork over $5 for every week you've had this ridiculous 'do. Tack on an extra $1 per-week fee if you color-treat your hair in any way. If you buy your jeans in the girl's department, just go ahead and sign over the entirety of your paycheck to the Great Lakes State.
Popping of the collar
This is another penalty which will hit the young male population the hardest. A $2 fee will be charged each time a collar is worn turned up, or "popped" as the kids say. An additional $1 will be added if the shirt in question is a pink polo or a striped dress shirt. Kick in another few bucks if the wearer is holding a vodka and Red Bull at the time.
FYI: I ain't alone in hatin' on the popped collar. Check this blog if you want further proof).
"I Dream of Jeanie" pants
Wide-leg pants are making a big comeback. Riding on the wave of this trend is a sub-trend of ultra-wide leg pants with a baggy crotch. Basically, they're Hammer pants for the new millennium.
It is up to you, the discerning public, to ensure this trend never makes it off the runway. As a reminder, you'll be asked to fork over 5 percent of your annual income if caught in any modern form of Hammer pant.
Men in capri pants
Taxed
Fergie: Taxed.
Orange face girls/boys
If your fake-n-bake or bottle self-tanning has spiraled out of control to the point where you skin takes on an orangeish huge (i.e. George Hamilton, Fergie of Black Eyed Peas) you shall be exacted a $3 fee for every trip to the salon. We shall call this the Fergie Tax.
Ugg boots
Taxed
Wearing a band T-shirt to the band's show
Lame. Taxed. And asked to leave the show. Immediately.
Faux-hawks
Please, gentlemen. It's time to let this one go. If you can't let go of it on your own, perhaps the $10 fee per faux-hawk will help. Also falling under this clause: the wearing of a mullet for ironic purposes. Get over yourself already.
Bill Cosby. The man. The myth. The sweaters.
Huxtable/Cosby sweaters I don't know if this necessarily qualifies as a hooplehead fashion decision. It certainly doesn't fall into the "blindly following fashion trends" category, unless we're talking style circa 1987. Either way, taxed!
Purchasing clothing with an anarchy symbol
First, if someone thinks it's congruous to pay money for a piece of "anarchy" clothing, they need to get a better grasp on the concept of anarchy. Second, they won't connect that anarchists don't believe in paying taxes. Ergo, anyone wearing an anarchy sweatshirt purchased at Hot Topic will be expected to cough up 20 percent of their annual wages.
With that as a start, we should be able to gather enough money to fix all those damned potholes and erect a few swingsets. Whoever said fashion was frivolous?
Editor's note: Tricia Woolfenden does not claim to be without her own fashion faux pas and will fork over an extra $5 at the end of the fiscal year for that one off-the-shoulder top she wore last spring. E-mail bad fashion decisions to Tricia Woolfenden: twoolfenden@grpress.com.
By Tricia Wolfenden
Friday, April 06, 2007
Dress for the common man
This week, my esteemed colleague and partner-in-all-things-cynical Troy Reimink proposed a solution to Michigan's fiscal quandary: tax people for having bad taste. Example, movie-goers who flock to see "The Reaping" would pay an additional $2 per ticket charge paid directly into the state pot. It's a good -- nay, great -- plan.
Troy passed along a reader's suggestion for an extra tax for people who've never met a lame fashion trend they didn't like. He thought perhaps the New Black would like to make a few amendments to the "hooplehead tax plan" as it applies to fashion faux pas. (FYI: Hooplehead, a "term popularized by HBO's 'Deadwood' is defined by the Urban Dictionary as 'a member of the ignorant masses; an uneducated commoner; an idiot.").
Anywho, under the hooplehead tax plan, the following fashion offenses would require financial restitution be made to the state government:
Sporting an Emo-ver
Are you a male ages 17 to 28? Is your hair purposely cut into an asymmetrical shape? Do you have bangs? If so, do they fall sensitively over one eye? Do you often make a great production of pushing/pulling/shaking these bangs onto your face, rather than off of it?
If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," you must fork over $5 for every week you've had this ridiculous 'do. Tack on an extra $1 per-week fee if you color-treat your hair in any way. If you buy your jeans in the girl's department, just go ahead and sign over the entirety of your paycheck to the Great Lakes State.
Popping of the collar
This is another penalty which will hit the young male population the hardest. A $2 fee will be charged each time a collar is worn turned up, or "popped" as the kids say. An additional $1 will be added if the shirt in question is a pink polo or a striped dress shirt. Kick in another few bucks if the wearer is holding a vodka and Red Bull at the time.
FYI: I ain't alone in hatin' on the popped collar. Check this blog if you want further proof).
"I Dream of Jeanie" pants
Wide-leg pants are making a big comeback. Riding on the wave of this trend is a sub-trend of ultra-wide leg pants with a baggy crotch. Basically, they're Hammer pants for the new millennium.
It is up to you, the discerning public, to ensure this trend never makes it off the runway. As a reminder, you'll be asked to fork over 5 percent of your annual income if caught in any modern form of Hammer pant.
Men in capri pants
Taxed
Fergie: Taxed.
Orange face girls/boys
If your fake-n-bake or bottle self-tanning has spiraled out of control to the point where you skin takes on an orangeish huge (i.e. George Hamilton, Fergie of Black Eyed Peas) you shall be exacted a $3 fee for every trip to the salon. We shall call this the Fergie Tax.
Ugg boots
Taxed
Wearing a band T-shirt to the band's show
Lame. Taxed. And asked to leave the show. Immediately.
Faux-hawks
Please, gentlemen. It's time to let this one go. If you can't let go of it on your own, perhaps the $10 fee per faux-hawk will help. Also falling under this clause: the wearing of a mullet for ironic purposes. Get over yourself already.
Bill Cosby. The man. The myth. The sweaters.
Huxtable/Cosby sweaters I don't know if this necessarily qualifies as a hooplehead fashion decision. It certainly doesn't fall into the "blindly following fashion trends" category, unless we're talking style circa 1987. Either way, taxed!
Purchasing clothing with an anarchy symbol
First, if someone thinks it's congruous to pay money for a piece of "anarchy" clothing, they need to get a better grasp on the concept of anarchy. Second, they won't connect that anarchists don't believe in paying taxes. Ergo, anyone wearing an anarchy sweatshirt purchased at Hot Topic will be expected to cough up 20 percent of their annual wages.
With that as a start, we should be able to gather enough money to fix all those damned potholes and erect a few swingsets. Whoever said fashion was frivolous?
Editor's note: Tricia Woolfenden does not claim to be without her own fashion faux pas and will fork over an extra $5 at the end of the fiscal year for that one off-the-shoulder top she wore last spring. E-mail bad fashion decisions to Tricia Woolfenden: twoolfenden@grpress.com.