Pet Peaves:
Here is a little list of things which piss me off.
(These are in no particular order)
1. Asteroids. Where the fuck do you get off? You got a pretty sweet gig chillin' between Mars and Jupiter, and then with no fucking warning you fly off and smack the Earth. I mean... what the fuck is up with that? You not content just hanging out there without going all ballistic? We let you just hang out there, on your "asteroid-time" and this is the thanks we get? By killing our dinosaurs and blowing up tunguska? Fucking space debris!
2. Human Resources.
GRAPHIC. DESIGNERS. DONT. NEED. TO. KNOW. AS (fucking)P.
ASP and Latin have one thing in common, can you guess it? Let me just dispell a few myths out there for anyone looking to hire only one person to manage their website account... Graphic Designers and Server-Side coders are two different occupations. OMG
And wrap your minds around this shiny little factoid... Any Designers with more than cursory serverside knowledge/experience and any Server Applet professionals with the same in design are a CATCH worth well more than $30,000 per year! Its amazing how many jobs actually EXPECT this?!
Must know ASP, PHP, MYSQYL, HTML, JAVA, FLASH, VBSCRIPT, JSCRIPT, XSLT, PYTHON, RUBY, POWERSHELL, VISUAL, proficience in Dreamweaver, Coldfusion Adobe Photoshop, and Indesign, Macromedia Flash Required. Must have 5+ years experience with reputable firm.
$30,000
So heres a little ASP/VBscript from a graphic designer for you:
<% Response.Write("Kissmyass!") %>
3. Myspace Bands
Quit trying to add me as your friend. I don't rightly care where you're playing. Until you catch my attention with some innovative and original sound, I don't want to be bombarded with invites and friend requests. Or hey, how bout you target your sound to ppl who seem to like similar bands or are apt to add indy groups. For example, Im not a screamcore fan, yet I get an invite to a profile and BAM.. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sole lyric of song)
Listen, your internet marketing ideas are faulty. You're never going to create "buzz" around you, just because you have a lot of friends. Most ppl just add you because its easier. They dont go to your page or listen to your muffled live demo in some shit-stained backwoods concert hole. Lord knows I haven't.
SO QUIT YOUR RETARDED MASS MARKETING SCHEMES AND CREATE SOME BUZZ ANOTHER WAY... (try talent)
4. Black People
Okay, I'm trying not to be racist and this is going to be pretty hard...
Ive put up with a lot of silliness from you guys living in Flint. I let you tease my race for being unhip, out-of-touch, poor dancers, and small penised. I didn't mind your portrayals of white people in movies as being either pompous assholes, villains, or dorky losers, undeserving of our women and unable to keep them. I ignored your constant self-aggrandizement through rap and the concept that only a black woman can survive the combined onslaught of both the Alien and Predator.
I made little note of the seamless match between crime and black population in Flint... or that crunk sounds like a caveman's name. I am likely to vote for a black guy for President, even though by pronouncing "ASK" correctly, he doesn't seem "black enough" for the NAACP.
I even forgave you of the most heinous crime imaginable... the sampling of rock gods Jimmy Page and Ozzy Osbourne.
BUT FOR CHRISTS SAKE... QUIT YELLING AT THE GODDAMNED MOVIE SCREEN! THEY CANT FUCKING HEAR YOU! You're adults, it's time to put down your "piece" and listen up. You're ruining the fucking film when you yell "GIRL... you best look behind you... that ugly monstah is up thar" This isn't an example of me being racist -- be as black as you wanna be. I don't care if youre blacker than Wesley Snipes and Manute Bol combined. I DONT CARE. Just quit talking to the characters on the screen. It's not a participation piece.
I realize slavery, segregation, the klan, and really everything my people has ever done to you has been god awful and deserves punishment. I also realize that white people fighting and dying by the hundred-thousand for your freedom perhaps didn't make up for it. I also understand that the establishment of nation of Liberia for former slaves wishing to return to their homeland, also didn't make up for the original sin. Thats why the leyway I gave you with sampling Kashmir and Crazy Train, remaking Airplane, The Honeymooners, and Othello, and the whole "baby daddy" thing. But please... please... please... Quit yelling at the screen (at least in the North)
5. Anglerfish
They are just creepy
6. White Women
I love women of all races, don't get me wrong. But white women are crazy. And I don't just mean that by being cute. You guys actually are. If my abnormal psych course (and dating history) has taught me anything its that white women have an absolute majority as clinical patients on nearly every mental disorder imaginable (barring ironically split personality -- Sorry Sybil)
Listen ladies, you may realize you're fucking nuts. Some of you even celebrate these problems as parts of your character. But your half-crazed, psuedo-spiritual, mood-changing, flighty and irritable, self-deprecating, self-obsessed, "needing to figure myself out," needing something in your life other than a broken string of relationships- phase should have rightly ended your Junior year of high school.
BuuuuUUUUUUUUUuuuuut No. You manage to string your loopy issues out hoping that some drug or caring person will fix everything.
SPOILER WARNING:
Its not gonna happen sweety. Eventually you'll find yourself in a decent social circle which requires you to take an alpha female role. In this situation you generally become somewhat self-righteous, still prone to outbursts, and cavalier in relationships. You'll be thirty, somewhat well put together, pretty cynical, and in an on again off again abusive relationship with some guy who pushes your buttons.
OR... more likely, you'll keep pushing your problems onto everyone who tries to help, burdening them beyond what a reasonable person should expect from them and wind up with a series of broken friendships and missing boyfriends. You'll cry yourself to sleep wondering why everyone leaves you in a state of self pity. Eventually you'll find a guy who is more determined (or naive) to help. He will be the first to love you, but that (as we both know) is a fools errand. You'll never get better so long as you're with him because you'd hate to miss the attention. In the end you'll unknowingly be presented a crossroad: Stay with an adoring man and string out your problems as long as you can or "try to find yourself" and leave him in the dust. Guess which one you'll choose? Regardless the answer, I'm sure you'll sleep better than he will that night.
Dont worry most of you wont even date that guy. By this point your psychosis has become your persona and you're only going to attract guys lookin' for an easy lay-- and who's easier than the desperately insane?
Sorry ladies for the sad ending, but we all can't be River Tamm. Which brings me to the next problem....
7. Whoever the fuck cancelled Firefly
It was the best, most well-thought-out, and deep space adventure story... possibly ever. It could have revitilized the sci fi genre. But instead we're stuck with rehashes of past success (star trek reruns, unwelcomed spinoffs, and sub-standard star wars prequels). Thanks a lot dickweeds, you killed something beautiful.
8. Bugs.
Okay, I'm not mad at all bugs... fireflies for instance. Preying Manti (uh whats the plural of Mantis?) et all. I'm just pissed that whatever "The Most Extreme" is on Animal Planet, number one is almost always some sort of bug. Carpenter Ants, termites, locusts, ect. ect.
I get it, they can lift eight million time their own miniscule weight and swarm and build huge mounds and shoot beams of pure funk from their eyes, but Elephant Seals in rut is more impressive!
Also as a sufferer of bee allergies, I hate those stinging swarms with a passion. If I could, I would take all bees (barring the delightful bumblebee and industrious honey bee) and blast them all in a rocket to the motherfucking sun.
9. Zombie Movies.
HOW MANY ZOMBIE MOVIES CAN GODDAMN GEORGE ROMERO MAKE? GET A NEW FUCKING HOBBY ASSHOLE!
Its always the same goddamned thing. (I know some of you are thinking, hey theres that one where they run... and the one where theres a thinking zombie) In response to that; I must say I hate you all. They are wandering undead hordes who's only goal is eating brains, making more zombies, and tearing flesh. Yes it's scary, Yes it's a good idea, and YES ITS PLAYED OUT! Come up with a new fucking monster.
If you must use zombies, change it up a little. Im not talking about zombies with a new ability. Im talking about a different type of zombie mythos. Zombies that are just as apt to attack and tear each other apart for example could be ultimately gruesome and anarachic. A single zombie reaking terror (and unable to change others via bite). Completely sentient zombies (a'la Evil Dead) Zombies which overtime mutate into horrific twisted piles of animated deranged flesh. OR HEY, USE A NEW MONSTER.
10. Vampire Movies.
Now I love a good vampire, but see fucking above.
11. Girls who think they're all that...
they totally aren't
12. Early Mornings
But Ive got one tomorrow so... TO BE CONTINUED
(These are in no particular order)
1. Asteroids. Where the fuck do you get off? You got a pretty sweet gig chillin' between Mars and Jupiter, and then with no fucking warning you fly off and smack the Earth. I mean... what the fuck is up with that? You not content just hanging out there without going all ballistic? We let you just hang out there, on your "asteroid-time" and this is the thanks we get? By killing our dinosaurs and blowing up tunguska? Fucking space debris!
2. Human Resources.
GRAPHIC. DESIGNERS. DONT. NEED. TO. KNOW. AS (fucking)P.
ASP and Latin have one thing in common, can you guess it? Let me just dispell a few myths out there for anyone looking to hire only one person to manage their website account... Graphic Designers and Server-Side coders are two different occupations. OMG
And wrap your minds around this shiny little factoid... Any Designers with more than cursory serverside knowledge/experience and any Server Applet professionals with the same in design are a CATCH worth well more than $30,000 per year! Its amazing how many jobs actually EXPECT this?!
Must know ASP, PHP, MYSQYL, HTML, JAVA, FLASH, VBSCRIPT, JSCRIPT, XSLT, PYTHON, RUBY, POWERSHELL, VISUAL, proficience in Dreamweaver, Coldfusion Adobe Photoshop, and Indesign, Macromedia Flash Required. Must have 5+ years experience with reputable firm.
$30,000
So heres a little ASP/VBscript from a graphic designer for you:
<% Response.Write("Kissmyass!") %>
3. Myspace Bands
Quit trying to add me as your friend. I don't rightly care where you're playing. Until you catch my attention with some innovative and original sound, I don't want to be bombarded with invites and friend requests. Or hey, how bout you target your sound to ppl who seem to like similar bands or are apt to add indy groups. For example, Im not a screamcore fan, yet I get an invite to a profile and BAM.. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sole lyric of song)
Listen, your internet marketing ideas are faulty. You're never going to create "buzz" around you, just because you have a lot of friends. Most ppl just add you because its easier. They dont go to your page or listen to your muffled live demo in some shit-stained backwoods concert hole. Lord knows I haven't.
SO QUIT YOUR RETARDED MASS MARKETING SCHEMES AND CREATE SOME BUZZ ANOTHER WAY... (try talent)
4. Black People
Okay, I'm trying not to be racist and this is going to be pretty hard...
Ive put up with a lot of silliness from you guys living in Flint. I let you tease my race for being unhip, out-of-touch, poor dancers, and small penised. I didn't mind your portrayals of white people in movies as being either pompous assholes, villains, or dorky losers, undeserving of our women and unable to keep them. I ignored your constant self-aggrandizement through rap and the concept that only a black woman can survive the combined onslaught of both the Alien and Predator.
I made little note of the seamless match between crime and black population in Flint... or that crunk sounds like a caveman's name. I am likely to vote for a black guy for President, even though by pronouncing "ASK" correctly, he doesn't seem "black enough" for the NAACP.
I even forgave you of the most heinous crime imaginable... the sampling of rock gods Jimmy Page and Ozzy Osbourne.
BUT FOR CHRISTS SAKE... QUIT YELLING AT THE GODDAMNED MOVIE SCREEN! THEY CANT FUCKING HEAR YOU! You're adults, it's time to put down your "piece" and listen up. You're ruining the fucking film when you yell "GIRL... you best look behind you... that ugly monstah is up thar" This isn't an example of me being racist -- be as black as you wanna be. I don't care if youre blacker than Wesley Snipes and Manute Bol combined. I DONT CARE. Just quit talking to the characters on the screen. It's not a participation piece.
I realize slavery, segregation, the klan, and really everything my people has ever done to you has been god awful and deserves punishment. I also realize that white people fighting and dying by the hundred-thousand for your freedom perhaps didn't make up for it. I also understand that the establishment of nation of Liberia for former slaves wishing to return to their homeland, also didn't make up for the original sin. Thats why the leyway I gave you with sampling Kashmir and Crazy Train, remaking Airplane, The Honeymooners, and Othello, and the whole "baby daddy" thing. But please... please... please... Quit yelling at the screen (at least in the North)
5. Anglerfish
They are just creepy
6. White Women
I love women of all races, don't get me wrong. But white women are crazy. And I don't just mean that by being cute. You guys actually are. If my abnormal psych course (and dating history) has taught me anything its that white women have an absolute majority as clinical patients on nearly every mental disorder imaginable (barring ironically split personality -- Sorry Sybil)
Listen ladies, you may realize you're fucking nuts. Some of you even celebrate these problems as parts of your character. But your half-crazed, psuedo-spiritual, mood-changing, flighty and irritable, self-deprecating, self-obsessed, "needing to figure myself out," needing something in your life other than a broken string of relationships- phase should have rightly ended your Junior year of high school.
BuuuuUUUUUUUUUuuuuut No. You manage to string your loopy issues out hoping that some drug or caring person will fix everything.
SPOILER WARNING:
Its not gonna happen sweety. Eventually you'll find yourself in a decent social circle which requires you to take an alpha female role. In this situation you generally become somewhat self-righteous, still prone to outbursts, and cavalier in relationships. You'll be thirty, somewhat well put together, pretty cynical, and in an on again off again abusive relationship with some guy who pushes your buttons.
OR... more likely, you'll keep pushing your problems onto everyone who tries to help, burdening them beyond what a reasonable person should expect from them and wind up with a series of broken friendships and missing boyfriends. You'll cry yourself to sleep wondering why everyone leaves you in a state of self pity. Eventually you'll find a guy who is more determined (or naive) to help. He will be the first to love you, but that (as we both know) is a fools errand. You'll never get better so long as you're with him because you'd hate to miss the attention. In the end you'll unknowingly be presented a crossroad: Stay with an adoring man and string out your problems as long as you can or "try to find yourself" and leave him in the dust. Guess which one you'll choose? Regardless the answer, I'm sure you'll sleep better than he will that night.
Dont worry most of you wont even date that guy. By this point your psychosis has become your persona and you're only going to attract guys lookin' for an easy lay-- and who's easier than the desperately insane?
Sorry ladies for the sad ending, but we all can't be River Tamm. Which brings me to the next problem....
7. Whoever the fuck cancelled Firefly
It was the best, most well-thought-out, and deep space adventure story... possibly ever. It could have revitilized the sci fi genre. But instead we're stuck with rehashes of past success (star trek reruns, unwelcomed spinoffs, and sub-standard star wars prequels). Thanks a lot dickweeds, you killed something beautiful.
8. Bugs.
Okay, I'm not mad at all bugs... fireflies for instance. Preying Manti (uh whats the plural of Mantis?) et all. I'm just pissed that whatever "The Most Extreme" is on Animal Planet, number one is almost always some sort of bug. Carpenter Ants, termites, locusts, ect. ect.
I get it, they can lift eight million time their own miniscule weight and swarm and build huge mounds and shoot beams of pure funk from their eyes, but Elephant Seals in rut is more impressive!
Also as a sufferer of bee allergies, I hate those stinging swarms with a passion. If I could, I would take all bees (barring the delightful bumblebee and industrious honey bee) and blast them all in a rocket to the motherfucking sun.
9. Zombie Movies.
HOW MANY ZOMBIE MOVIES CAN GODDAMN GEORGE ROMERO MAKE? GET A NEW FUCKING HOBBY ASSHOLE!
Its always the same goddamned thing. (I know some of you are thinking, hey theres that one where they run... and the one where theres a thinking zombie) In response to that; I must say I hate you all. They are wandering undead hordes who's only goal is eating brains, making more zombies, and tearing flesh. Yes it's scary, Yes it's a good idea, and YES ITS PLAYED OUT! Come up with a new fucking monster.
If you must use zombies, change it up a little. Im not talking about zombies with a new ability. Im talking about a different type of zombie mythos. Zombies that are just as apt to attack and tear each other apart for example could be ultimately gruesome and anarachic. A single zombie reaking terror (and unable to change others via bite). Completely sentient zombies (a'la Evil Dead) Zombies which overtime mutate into horrific twisted piles of animated deranged flesh. OR HEY, USE A NEW MONSTER.
10. Vampire Movies.
Now I love a good vampire, but see fucking above.
11. Girls who think they're all that...
they totally aren't
12. Early Mornings
But Ive got one tomorrow so... TO BE CONTINUED