Blah! Why Religion Sucks! Rant Number 381
All good blogs need a religious rant and finally I found my inspiration. My God I love the ABC (aka Channel 2) for airing this hilarious episode of Compass entitled “Guy Sebastian’s Church”, which for cynical skeptics such as my self was sort of an almost-exposé into the cult-like activity of the Paradise Community Church…Thankfully, my hard earned tax dollars are at work, and the ABC has a complete transcript of the episode here.
Here are some of my favourite parts:
From the introduction:
“This is no ordinary church. Not only has it given us Guy Sebastian. It’s also given birth to the new and controversial political party Family First.”
Guy Sebastian AND Family First?!?! I really don’t need to say anymore, but feel so compelled, especially when they provide quotes such as these:
Pube-head Sebastian goes on to tell us all about how he was first drawn to the cult:
“When I hit my teenage years I started, um, going to youth group called Solid Rock at Paradise Church and it was um, it really appealed to me because it was a very, it was sort of modern way of going to church….I walked into this place and here’s these kids moshing and, and head banging and, and just having a really good time so it really appealed to me and it was a really fresh way of, of going to church.”
There is absolutely nothing funny about moshing, head banging Christians…shame on you if you find that amusing! I’d like to write something witty, and cynical about the name Solid Rock Youth Group, but nothing is coming to mind....Any suggestions?
Solid Rock Youth Group service starts:
“Who’s ready to praise Jesus? I said, who’s ready? ... to give praise at Solid Rock in this place ... Are you ready? (cheers) Are you ready to praise Jesus tonight? (cheers) Come on!”
Meh, enough said really. It pretty much parodies itself really…
Random girl talking about Solid Rock:
"Oh, it’s been absolutely phenomenal, just the presence of God has been at every single meeting and like, every week there’s a totally new experience, just like a new fulfilment with God and yeah, it’s just great.”
Wait, so she goes to Youth Group so she can experience the presence of God? I thought he was ALWAYS with me?? At least that’s what “Touched By An Angel” taught me. I suddenly feel so alone!
Lady speaking motivationally:
“He’s got an incredible plan, he’s got an incredible future for you. Tonight you don’t want to fight him any more, tonight you don’t want to go it alone any more, tonight there’s something here in this place, you can feel hope, you can feel destiny, you can feel something inside you here tonight and you can feel something.”
If by “something” they mean a priest’s dirty fingers, then maybe she’s on the right track…What?! Too far?
Now they do a sort of vox-pop interview with people who have just endured a Sunday service. Their quotes are about as convincing as one of those superannuation ads where people randomly walking down the street decide to suddenly declare their love for their super fund, or just one of those glowing testimonials for Danoz Home Direct product being flogged by Moira on GMA. Anyway, I digress…
Woman:
"I just feel the presence of God all the time when I come here, I get emotional every week, it’s beautiful.”
Girl:
"I feel like celebrating! That was a great message, I really enjoyed it.”
Man:
"Because it’s the word of God and it’s worship it feeds your spirit like food does to your body, it feeds your spirit.”
Man:
"This church is vibrant, it’s relevant, it has great speakers it, it has a core message and it’s about relationships.”
Now some Anglican Minister refers to that they do at Paradise as “aerobic Christianity” because its so energised. Personally, I just think he’s referring to all those excess kilos he’s shedding chasing little kiddies…You must learn to read between the lines!
Now the leader of the Music and Worship Team speaks about Guy Sebastian:
“Guy was singing in our, part of our worship team for about 6 years. He wasn’t the stand-out performer, we have another (whoops! He slips up here!), a number of great singers.”
You mean, the WINNER of Australian Idol isn’t actually Australia's best singer?!?!? Shocking, I know!
I’m going to post this part in it’s entirety, because it’s the part where I laughed the hardest! If only you could have seen the accompanying video footage!
Narrator:
"While Paradise Church leaders are happy to show their music and preaching openly, there are other aspects of their worship and beliefs that were off limits to Compass. Two decades ago its leadership was willing to let the ABC film these scenes of healing by the laying on of hands, and where some believers say they’re overwhelmed by the power of the Holy Spirit. Another important ceremony at Paradise Church is full immersion baptism, which signifies washing away sin, and being “born again” as a Christian. (Here there is grainy video from the 1980s where people are closing their eyes and being ‘healed’ by a priest touching them!)
During this ceremony, believers can go into an ecstatic state, letting what they believe is the spirit of God speak through them. They call this ‘speaking in tongues’. (Here there is footage of a woman holding her nose as she is dunked under the water, and the being pulled out convulsing and screaming in ‘tongues’.)
Back in the 1980s there were still Christian symbols such as the cross at Paradise Church, but as part of its efforts to broaden its appeal all such Christian symbols have been removed. Today the church bars the media from recording any practices that may seem strange to outsiders, arguing they are not part of its marketing image.”
Haha! I love how they no longer allow it to be filmed, because it might seem strange…I also love that a church is concerned with it’s marketing image. I thought churches were about honesty, not dirty secrets and lies…what on Earth was I thinking???
Narrator:
"But now with Guy Sebastian Paradise Church has found the ultimate marketing tool. As well as selling Pepsi, he can be used to sell this brand of Christianity.”
Finally! When brain -washing goes bad!
Pube-head Sebastian:
“People in the church were saying,“He’s using pop to, to sort of broadcast the church,” but that’s what, I think that’s what the church wants. I mean, we, we want people to know that it’s a popular thing, it’s a total, totally normal thing and I guess um, I’m ecstatic to be a representation of, of someone who loves going to church yet can still be relatable and can still be normal.”
Okay, so first it’s “what the church wants” then he has to correct himself and state the “we, we want people to know…”. I think his Freudian slip may have just revealed that he’s being used by the church as a cheap marketing ploy! Oh, say it isn’t so! I think he deserves one of those full-body baptism dunkings to cleanse him of his fame whoreishness sins!
Some pro-marketing lady:
“We just pray that God will continue to use him and that he will be able to get into a sphere and influence a sphere of people that maybe we could never touch in, you know, in the area that we’re involved in.”
Narrator:
"Pentecostals reject many things that more liberal Christians accept or tolerate, such as homosexuality, divorce, de facto relationships and using drugs. One of the values stressed particularly to unmarried young people is keeping their virginity.”
See, this was much funnier to me, because having seen the episode, it was pretty evident that the Church’s musical director, and Pube-head’s personal mentor, was a raging homosexual! And since when did any Christians (regardless of how liberal they are) accept drug use???
Former-virgin-now-married-and-presumably-bonking-the-brains-out-of-his-wife guy:
"Well, obviously we’re working with teenagers here and their hormones are going crazy and it does seem almost impossible to keep yourself a virgin before you get married and Renee and I both were virgins when we got married and it was, it was hard (yeah, no shit!) and, 24 25 and we just obviously we, we teach the young people to avoid putting yourself in a situation or a circumstance where you might make yourself vulnerable.”
I love how he didn’t even acknowledge his unintentional “hard boner” pun. Ah, he’s such a good Christian, such an inspiration.
Narrator:
“At Paradise Church couples tend to marry young, and having several children early on is the norm.”
Marry young? Gee whiz, I wonder why that would be…? Meh, who needs time to consider if their partner is compatible? (Then again, these people are so damn boring - moshing aside, of course - that perhaps compatibility isn’t really an issue). By the age of 20, you’ll have 4 kids and a loveless marriage! And all because you wanna get laid!
I think you should all really check out the complete transcript! It’s a laugh riot! Thankyou ABC!
Good night and God speed.