A Rough Week
This has been a rough week for us, but we are anxious to see a new week starting. It's amazing how taking things "one day at a time" becomes meaningful. It is twelve days until Christmas and twelve days until our wedding, and despite our recent hardships we are both unduly excited for what is to come.
It is excitement and sadness that steals me today. This is a Bill line from the other night but apt for right now. When I read back through Bill's entries, most of which I wasn't privy to when they were first posted, I am surprised to see him say that I saved his life. The truth is, his life saved mine. He did not need me to become the person he wanted to be. He was well on his way, making new friends, getting out of the house, focusing on work, dreaming of a better future. Despite the pain of losing his best friend, who was clearly not worthy of even that status in my opinion, he was also trying hard to be a better man, to get in touch with his faith, to take care of his family, and to build a respectable, public life for himself. When we got together, I can say he was coming into his own after spending too many years in the shadows, and it was exciting to watch. He did have some rough spots, but he handled them so beautifully. It was me who was the wreck. I was the one uncomfortable with his past relationships, I was the one jealous and suspicious all the time, the one who couldn't put things to rest or put things behind us, who was causing divides between his family. I was so afraid to lose him again that all I did was stupid things destined to push him away. Then, I almost lost him again, really lost him, when he had the seizure.
He talks about waking up from that experience as having a clear and open heart. One that was no longer bitter or hurting, but ready for the world and what it had to offer. When he woke up from that experience, he woke me up. He showed me resilience and unconditional love, lived a deeper understanding. He held my hand and told me he knew I was a better man than I'd been and he looked forward to really knowing me.
I read a lot on the internet about people saying Bill has touched their lives, made them better people, made them think about things differently or do different things, made them believe in themselves, pursue dreams they thought impossible, have the courage to be who they really are. Much of that Bill laughs off. He insists he was not the spark, the catalyst, the reason anyone changed. He insists that people change, not because of others but because they want to. So I ask our friends, what has knowing Bill been for you? They always say things like inspiring, life-changing, but these are words that do not have a lot of meaning. Brid said it best. She said that Bill made a part of her life better. She said that they have fought, had ugly situations, been on opposite sides of the pole, but when she thinks of Bill as a whole, as all of their relationship, she believes that he made a small part of her life better. She cannot say that for everyone.
I believe he has done this with everyone he has ever touched. Despite everything people go through, Bill is that special type of human being who makes a person better in some small part simply by being a spark in their lives. Since he is everything in my life, to my life, can you imagine what he has done for me?
I am sad today. We missed mass this morning because Bill is still unwell, and though Father will be here later, I am sad. It is hard to explain. I think of how much better I can be with him, and I wonder if I will be half as good without him. He says I will surprise myself with what I will be able to accomplish, but he has always believed in me more than I've deserved. He says that he has seen every person he has ever been with, after him, go on to do some amazing things and go on to live the lives they always wanted to live while they were together but never could. He thinks it will be the same for me.
I am sad because he will never see it.
It is excitement and sadness that steals me today. This is a Bill line from the other night but apt for right now. When I read back through Bill's entries, most of which I wasn't privy to when they were first posted, I am surprised to see him say that I saved his life. The truth is, his life saved mine. He did not need me to become the person he wanted to be. He was well on his way, making new friends, getting out of the house, focusing on work, dreaming of a better future. Despite the pain of losing his best friend, who was clearly not worthy of even that status in my opinion, he was also trying hard to be a better man, to get in touch with his faith, to take care of his family, and to build a respectable, public life for himself. When we got together, I can say he was coming into his own after spending too many years in the shadows, and it was exciting to watch. He did have some rough spots, but he handled them so beautifully. It was me who was the wreck. I was the one uncomfortable with his past relationships, I was the one jealous and suspicious all the time, the one who couldn't put things to rest or put things behind us, who was causing divides between his family. I was so afraid to lose him again that all I did was stupid things destined to push him away. Then, I almost lost him again, really lost him, when he had the seizure.
He talks about waking up from that experience as having a clear and open heart. One that was no longer bitter or hurting, but ready for the world and what it had to offer. When he woke up from that experience, he woke me up. He showed me resilience and unconditional love, lived a deeper understanding. He held my hand and told me he knew I was a better man than I'd been and he looked forward to really knowing me.
I read a lot on the internet about people saying Bill has touched their lives, made them better people, made them think about things differently or do different things, made them believe in themselves, pursue dreams they thought impossible, have the courage to be who they really are. Much of that Bill laughs off. He insists he was not the spark, the catalyst, the reason anyone changed. He insists that people change, not because of others but because they want to. So I ask our friends, what has knowing Bill been for you? They always say things like inspiring, life-changing, but these are words that do not have a lot of meaning. Brid said it best. She said that Bill made a part of her life better. She said that they have fought, had ugly situations, been on opposite sides of the pole, but when she thinks of Bill as a whole, as all of their relationship, she believes that he made a small part of her life better. She cannot say that for everyone.
I believe he has done this with everyone he has ever touched. Despite everything people go through, Bill is that special type of human being who makes a person better in some small part simply by being a spark in their lives. Since he is everything in my life, to my life, can you imagine what he has done for me?
I am sad today. We missed mass this morning because Bill is still unwell, and though Father will be here later, I am sad. It is hard to explain. I think of how much better I can be with him, and I wonder if I will be half as good without him. He says I will surprise myself with what I will be able to accomplish, but he has always believed in me more than I've deserved. He says that he has seen every person he has ever been with, after him, go on to do some amazing things and go on to live the lives they always wanted to live while they were together but never could. He thinks it will be the same for me.
I am sad because he will never see it.