i'm stuck.
I was suddenly hit with the realization that it's almost the end of February, and that it has been 6 months since I passed my medical boards.
I've had 6 months to think about what I really want to do, and yet, I still find myself at a loss.
For those not in my field, they think that graduating and passing the boards is the hardest part. And that all you have to do is get into a residency program and work on being rich, hehe.
I'll be the first to tell you that there's more to being a doctor than just "specializing".
For one, that is not the only path a newly-licensed doctor can pursue. There's research, health policy development, general practice.... And it's frustrating sometimes when people ask you, "So what are you specializing on?", and when you answer that you're not currently pursuing any specialty at the moment, they'll give you a blank stare like, "So what the hell do you do now?". It's been easier for me to answer that I do clinics in Makati rather than explain what I really do.
Going through OB pre-residency made me realize that I do choose lifestyle over toxicity despite the lure of possible enormous monetary returns. But it's hard to make plans if your parents, like my dad, does not really want you to pursue the specialization that you want.
So now, I'm stuck. I still want to apply for Derma again this year, but I'm scared that I might be rejected again
. If I don't make it in PGH, I doubt if my dad will allow me to specialize in derma at all anywhere else.
On the other hand, here's the option of going to Australia/New Zealand.
There are days when I truly believe that I'm cut out for it. That I can hack it living on my own in a foreign land with the nearest relative possibly a plane ride away (coz even if I do have relatives there, I still don't know which employers will accept me, and where). Those who know me well are privy to my moments of self-isolation. There are times that I just want to be quiet, alone, and quite anti-social. So, if going there means that I may be cut off from my support group, I think I can manage it. Besides, the world is smaller now. There's email, celphone, webcam... there are many ways to keep the ties intact, despite the distance.
But then there are days when I begin to panic. I become paralyzed by the thought of being in a foreign land with a different health care system and palpable discrimination, working in a hospital that is the very essence of what I don't want for my professional life (that is, ER work). Plus, I wouldn't have my support group physically with me. There's a certain comfort in knowing that you can see your family and friends anytime you want. Just set the date and venue, you're set. But if I go there, I won't have that luxury.
But if I don't go there, and I don't get into PGH, what do I do now?
Presently, my clinic work for an HMO and research is fine. I know I made the right choice when I decided to decline the residency offer for OB. But where I am now, it's not good enough for me.
So, I am also at a loss on what to do with my professional life.
And since I can't get a car coz I might have to let go of it once my Australia plans push through (which is also quite expensive), I'm pretty much bummed out right now.
Hay.
Sorry to bum you out as well, if I did. It's just that if I don't let this out now I might go crazy mulling over this.