14 Valentines -- Asexuality
Today is LGBTQ day for 14valentines. For those of you who don't know what 14valentines is, take a second to explore the community. It was started ages ago (like, 5+ years, even! *snerk*) to celebrate women in the days leading up to V-day. I am a huge supporter of 14valentines, and every year I try to write at least one thing for it. This year has been really hectic, and I'm incredibly busy with school and work, which is why I haven't done anything until now.
But now--now--I have something to say.
Today is LGBTQ day, and part of me, a tiny part, is a little annoyed that there isn't an I or A there. I for intersex (which, yes, I realize is problematic and most intersex individuals would not choose to be incorporated into the LGBTQ spectrum) and A is for asexual and/or ally. Which I am--that is to say, both asexual and an ally.
And this is a bit of my story.
I'm starting this by saying I'm fat. I've been heavy since 4th grade, and for a long time I associated my lack of interest in sex and romance with the fact that I am heavy. I thought that because I didn't fit into the standard western definition of beauty, I wasn't beautiful and thus wasn't worthy of a relationship, or partnership with another individual. I thought that because I wasn't worthy of it, I didn't seek out other people to view in a sexualized or romanticized light, either. I just figured my body was fucked up.
So, I say I was gay. All my friends were somehow LGBTIQQA (etc) affiliated, and so I decided I must be as well. I was young, 14ish, and just really getting involved in fandom and reading gay porn all over the place, and watching Queer as Folk and going to Rocky, and I loved all these different avenues of expression that I plugged myself into them. I came out, first as bisexual and then as a lesbian.
And nobody cared, which was wonderful. Family didn't care, friends's didn't care--that isn't to say they weren't supportive, just--I was still me, and that was totally fine.
In college I experimented, as one does, and realized I didn't really enjoy sex. Okay, great, I stopped having it. I tried dating people and didn't really find anyone I clicked with, so I decided that I hadn't met the right girl person and let that sit alone too. But then my friends started dating, seriously, and girls and women and men and boys I hung out with were going crazy over one another, and I was like: "Um, okay?" and tried to be supportive but just didn't understand what all the fuss was about.
I graduated and went to work, lived my life, got depressed, got over being depressed*, and stopped even looking for the "right person". I was happy as I was, with friends and family and (eventually) a dog. I still told people I was gay because I didn't know better, didn't know how to put anything I was feeling into words. I just knew I liked my own space, liked being alone to decompress, felt pressured and uneasy when people were in my space.
And then I discovered AVEN--the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. And it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I watched youTube videos about people coming out as asexual, and aromantic, and just, it made sense. I had finally figured out exactly what was going on in my body, in my head.
Right now, I identify as an asexual aromantic individual, meaning I am not interested in either sex or having a partner. One that, that might change. Labels are not permanent, they are just an easier way to organize information, and for me, that information includes my lack of sexual attraction to other individuals.
I haven't necessarily come out as asexual to my family, though I'm pretty sure most of my family knows. My mom makes comments, like: "I don't see you settling down with anyone. You're just going to adopt kids and move to like, Seattle" which, to be fair, is basically my plan. I've been prepping her for this since I was 12, and I told her I would never give birth. 16 years later, I still never plan to give birth. I have always believed whole heartedly in adoption. Maybe my 12 year old self knew something that took me years to figure out. *Shrug*
My dad--well--he's just started making comments about how I'll make "somebody" a nice wife one day, instead of "some man" and I'm not too interested in trying to set him right. He knows, anyway. My parents have never, not once, asked me if there's someone I like, someone I'm interested in. I grew up saying I didn't understand the fuss.
Anyways, just a few thoughts about asexuality and me. Maybe not even coherent thoughts, because it's late and I got next to no sleep last night and have been walking a lot more.
*it was not easy, I am not trying to make it sound easy, just--I don't want to dwell on that period of my life.
But now--now--I have something to say.
Today is LGBTQ day, and part of me, a tiny part, is a little annoyed that there isn't an I or A there. I for intersex (which, yes, I realize is problematic and most intersex individuals would not choose to be incorporated into the LGBTQ spectrum) and A is for asexual and/or ally. Which I am--that is to say, both asexual and an ally.
And this is a bit of my story.
I'm starting this by saying I'm fat. I've been heavy since 4th grade, and for a long time I associated my lack of interest in sex and romance with the fact that I am heavy. I thought that because I didn't fit into the standard western definition of beauty, I wasn't beautiful and thus wasn't worthy of a relationship, or partnership with another individual. I thought that because I wasn't worthy of it, I didn't seek out other people to view in a sexualized or romanticized light, either. I just figured my body was fucked up.
So, I say I was gay. All my friends were somehow LGBTIQQA (etc) affiliated, and so I decided I must be as well. I was young, 14ish, and just really getting involved in fandom and reading gay porn all over the place, and watching Queer as Folk and going to Rocky, and I loved all these different avenues of expression that I plugged myself into them. I came out, first as bisexual and then as a lesbian.
And nobody cared, which was wonderful. Family didn't care, friends's didn't care--that isn't to say they weren't supportive, just--I was still me, and that was totally fine.
In college I experimented, as one does, and realized I didn't really enjoy sex. Okay, great, I stopped having it. I tried dating people and didn't really find anyone I clicked with, so I decided that I hadn't met the right girl person and let that sit alone too. But then my friends started dating, seriously, and girls and women and men and boys I hung out with were going crazy over one another, and I was like: "Um, okay?" and tried to be supportive but just didn't understand what all the fuss was about.
I graduated and went to work, lived my life, got depressed, got over being depressed*, and stopped even looking for the "right person". I was happy as I was, with friends and family and (eventually) a dog. I still told people I was gay because I didn't know better, didn't know how to put anything I was feeling into words. I just knew I liked my own space, liked being alone to decompress, felt pressured and uneasy when people were in my space.
And then I discovered AVEN--the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. And it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I watched youTube videos about people coming out as asexual, and aromantic, and just, it made sense. I had finally figured out exactly what was going on in my body, in my head.
Right now, I identify as an asexual aromantic individual, meaning I am not interested in either sex or having a partner. One that, that might change. Labels are not permanent, they are just an easier way to organize information, and for me, that information includes my lack of sexual attraction to other individuals.
I haven't necessarily come out as asexual to my family, though I'm pretty sure most of my family knows. My mom makes comments, like: "I don't see you settling down with anyone. You're just going to adopt kids and move to like, Seattle" which, to be fair, is basically my plan. I've been prepping her for this since I was 12, and I told her I would never give birth. 16 years later, I still never plan to give birth. I have always believed whole heartedly in adoption. Maybe my 12 year old self knew something that took me years to figure out. *Shrug*
My dad--well--he's just started making comments about how I'll make "somebody" a nice wife one day, instead of "some man" and I'm not too interested in trying to set him right. He knows, anyway. My parents have never, not once, asked me if there's someone I like, someone I'm interested in. I grew up saying I didn't understand the fuss.
Anyways, just a few thoughts about asexuality and me. Maybe not even coherent thoughts, because it's late and I got next to no sleep last night and have been walking a lot more.
*it was not easy, I am not trying to make it sound easy, just--I don't want to dwell on that period of my life.