Truth-Aches
It doesn't feel *good* to feel bad
(not/obviously)
but it *is* easier,
than
grabbing hold
of yourself
within yourself
without yourself
outside yourself
from
within
and
go
"Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU!"
Maybe there have been too many fakes in my consciousness right now.
Puppets have been a strangely prominent theme this week,
(NOT MY FAULT)
and
(AND ALSO NOT MY FAULT)
and when thinking about
my Big Plans the night I
broke my tooth off
it was a big beautiful Pretend Party
and I was SO EXCITED!
Dressin' up fancy
(which I feel is a legitimate costume)
to see people act
(which is a meta-faux show)
and enjoy the drink tickets
(chemically induced altered reality)
and I was SURPRISED
when my fake tooth
broke outta my lipsticked mouth
INSTEAD.
I mean, of course I was surprised.
Who wouldn't be surprised??
But,... its amazing how many houses are made of spackle
and how many faces, of make-up;
and how many politicians and businessmen, of money;
etc, etc, etc....
Human reality
is so... delightfully
alterable.
The news is as highly-processed
as any other
manufactured product
available
at a particular Prime retailer
that lives in your pocket.
Just got home from a long series of short appointments
waiting in chemically-saturated waiting rooms
that are TRYING *not* to smell like fluoridated pocket-change
to sit in long pastel plastic-covered plastic-chairs
so a man behind a light
can tip me upside down
and describe all my dental work
and missing teeth
ALOUD
to someone to type into a record.
TELL ME THAT ISN'T HELL.
People with medical issues!
Vets and injured people, going through body reconstruction!
People who have given birth in hospitals!
People who have had to have emergency surgery,
or have had emergency medical applied to them in public!
Can I get a "WUT WUT" when it comes to
BODIES ARE FUCKING EMBARRASSING!
Amiright?!
Today was being adventurous with
a discount denturist,
and deciding
that perhaps
I should have been mentally preparing myself better
once my teeth started cracking in half
(even though I don't chew ice,
I don't eat nuts)
when I was 14.
Like... maybe I should have started a savings account then
and called it "Dental Work"??
And... yet I know if I had that..
there would never be money in it
because it would all get poured in my mouth.
My mouth costs more per year,
than I have ever saved in a single account.
Surprises are SURPRISES,
and I live a life
without many extras!
Anyways,
the big feeling
is how having a big hole
in the very front
of the very very front
of my smile
pretty much un-does
all the carefully-cobbled
positive self-image I've been able to keep
cantilevered up
as my smile broke down
around the back.
I've been smiling through
my breaking smile
for a VERY LONG TIME.
I mean this quite, explicitly
literally.
But, I suppose
anyone who has been hurting
in some obvious way and yet
and knowing there is:
A - Nothing to be done about it
except Keep Caring For What You've Got Left
and
B - No way to hide it, no **reason** to hide it
except you don't wanna show it
and you know people don't wanna see it
but So It Goes.
knows this feeling
(I project)
I think
I feel.
It is now time to
assess comparative cost-analysis
between medically-appropriate
facsimile smiles.
It is not easy to think about
how I feel about
6-8 months
of wearing a prosthetic mouth piece
and how I already feel
about my changes in enunciation
and how generally
my livelihood
is just being really good
at talking and smiling.
(sales, service, secretarial)
My volunteer job is talking
(organizing, recruiting, introducing, and interviewing)
I was thinking about
how I was talking about
getting my poor-ass employed
real soon
which is the opposite
of "much later"
AND of "unreal now"
and now how
I just don't know WHAT
I'm thinking
or feeling
because
OUCH!
Right??
I don't want to leave
Sailor footing all my bills
just because he's WILLING
and ABLE
whilst I whistle
the wail of the
Know-How Hobo
and not earnin' my keep
for keeps.
I've already TAKEN my break!
But at least I'm learnin' and earnin'
my 2-year papers
and countin' my sheeps
in my meantime
so...
I'M HAPPY
and
I'M LUCKY
that I have a partner so
sincerely sweet!
I don't wanna
just
assume my future of dental degradation
should be his costly reward
for the easy love
between us.
BUT....
this is why
I am currently feeling
the plastic filling
in all the crevices
smoothing over
the
real-rough real
like some sort of
protective coating.
The world outside,
alive and unwell
pictured through windows
framing out all the big pictures
we are too scared to see,
but Oh,
we can feel
it
changing around us.
I think
(project)
ALL of us
are disoriented.
I have been in near-perfect hiding for two weeks.
Cancelling all plans,
meetings,
obligations,
and life in general.
Proof I am in luxury
even when I am in hell.
GO ME!
ANYWAYS,
THAT IS MY WORLD!
HOW'S YOURS?
(not/obviously)
but it *is* easier,
than
grabbing hold
of yourself
within yourself
without yourself
outside yourself
from
within
and
go
"Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU!"
Maybe there have been too many fakes in my consciousness right now.
Puppets have been a strangely prominent theme this week,
(NOT MY FAULT)
and
(AND ALSO NOT MY FAULT)
and when thinking about
my Big Plans the night I
broke my tooth off
it was a big beautiful Pretend Party
and I was SO EXCITED!
Dressin' up fancy
(which I feel is a legitimate costume)
to see people act
(which is a meta-faux show)
and enjoy the drink tickets
(chemically induced altered reality)
and I was SURPRISED
when my fake tooth
broke outta my lipsticked mouth
INSTEAD.
I mean, of course I was surprised.
Who wouldn't be surprised??
But,... its amazing how many houses are made of spackle
and how many faces, of make-up;
and how many politicians and businessmen, of money;
etc, etc, etc....
Human reality
is so... delightfully
alterable.
The news is as highly-processed
as any other
manufactured product
available
at a particular Prime retailer
that lives in your pocket.
Just got home from a long series of short appointments
waiting in chemically-saturated waiting rooms
that are TRYING *not* to smell like fluoridated pocket-change
to sit in long pastel plastic-covered plastic-chairs
so a man behind a light
can tip me upside down
and describe all my dental work
and missing teeth
ALOUD
to someone to type into a record.
TELL ME THAT ISN'T HELL.
People with medical issues!
Vets and injured people, going through body reconstruction!
People who have given birth in hospitals!
People who have had to have emergency surgery,
or have had emergency medical applied to them in public!
Can I get a "WUT WUT" when it comes to
BODIES ARE FUCKING EMBARRASSING!
Amiright?!
Today was being adventurous with
a discount denturist,
and deciding
that perhaps
I should have been mentally preparing myself better
once my teeth started cracking in half
(even though I don't chew ice,
I don't eat nuts)
when I was 14.
Like... maybe I should have started a savings account then
and called it "Dental Work"??
And... yet I know if I had that..
there would never be money in it
because it would all get poured in my mouth.
My mouth costs more per year,
than I have ever saved in a single account.
Surprises are SURPRISES,
and I live a life
without many extras!
Anyways,
the big feeling
is how having a big hole
in the very front
of the very very front
of my smile
pretty much un-does
all the carefully-cobbled
positive self-image I've been able to keep
cantilevered up
as my smile broke down
around the back.
I've been smiling through
my breaking smile
for a VERY LONG TIME.
I mean this quite, explicitly
literally.
But, I suppose
anyone who has been hurting
in some obvious way and yet
and knowing there is:
A - Nothing to be done about it
except Keep Caring For What You've Got Left
and
B - No way to hide it, no **reason** to hide it
except you don't wanna show it
and you know people don't wanna see it
but So It Goes.
knows this feeling
(I project)
I think
I feel.
It is now time to
assess comparative cost-analysis
between medically-appropriate
facsimile smiles.
It is not easy to think about
how I feel about
6-8 months
of wearing a prosthetic mouth piece
and how I already feel
about my changes in enunciation
and how generally
my livelihood
is just being really good
at talking and smiling.
(sales, service, secretarial)
My volunteer job is talking
(organizing, recruiting, introducing, and interviewing)
I was thinking about
how I was talking about
getting my poor-ass employed
real soon
which is the opposite
of "much later"
AND of "unreal now"
and now how
I just don't know WHAT
I'm thinking
or feeling
because
OUCH!
Right??
I don't want to leave
Sailor footing all my bills
just because he's WILLING
and ABLE
whilst I whistle
the wail of the
Know-How Hobo
and not earnin' my keep
for keeps.
I've already TAKEN my break!
But at least I'm learnin' and earnin'
my 2-year papers
and countin' my sheeps
in my meantime
so...
I'M HAPPY
and
I'M LUCKY
that I have a partner so
sincerely sweet!
I don't wanna
just
assume my future of dental degradation
should be his costly reward
for the easy love
between us.
BUT....
this is why
I am currently feeling
the plastic filling
in all the crevices
smoothing over
the
real-rough real
like some sort of
protective coating.
The world outside,
alive and unwell
pictured through windows
framing out all the big pictures
we are too scared to see,
but Oh,
we can feel
it
changing around us.
I think
(project)
ALL of us
are disoriented.
I have been in near-perfect hiding for two weeks.
Cancelling all plans,
meetings,
obligations,
and life in general.
Proof I am in luxury
even when I am in hell.
GO ME!
ANYWAYS,
THAT IS MY WORLD!
HOW'S YOURS?