Lost in thought without a compress
In my head, I have been walking around like a zombie for weeks.
Anxiety skitters between the corners of my mind, scattering everything else.
Scuttling any plans away, scrumming like rummy bums and making the whole picture a havoc.
Then they're back in a shadow letting me believe they never existed.
What a play!
Recently I've become trapped in a field fenced with the sky.
Everyday I try walking a different direction, but have made no map of the territory.
I most commonly think of this feeling as: "Unemployed", but that is not the case today.
I associate this feeling with the act of "choosing ignorant bliss over the contemplation of real and impending doom".
My past time for a week or more has been THINKING.
Just, thinking.
I THINK Im supposed to be bored with that.. or be accomplishing more outside of me... or be doing ANYTHING more useful than thinking..
but all I've been doing is thinking.
Right now, I'm having a hard time writing because I'm too busy thinking.
I don't know if all that thinking is going anywhere or if a hamster upstairs is training for a marathon of some sort, but it's very tiresome.
Im trying to remember how this feeling usually pans out...
I think it means 'change, please', but I can't hear the INFLECTION.
What do you *MEAN* silent voice? What are you saying?
Why must the inner-voice be an unspeaking voice?!
I've been trying to listen verah verah closely.
My brain keeps babbling at me in the language of fired neurons.
The neurons just keep asking 'Why?' and hoping to stay calm so security doesn't escort them out.
Its not fear. Not REAL fear.
It's this feeling like the ground is rumbling and you hope it doesn't mean any of the first 15 things that come to mind.
...all of which involve crushing you...
As a personal note:
I KNOW that when life is going my way... I become terrified.
For some, when life is all sunshine and colored marbles they see a sign that says: Bolder!
They are elated that their plans are working out and that means follow through, that means keep pushing, that means reach past the max and master your ass!
For me, I definitely see: Boulders! written in black block letters painted on caution-yellow reflex with a big arrow pointing right above my head.
Ryan asked about my contentment rut.
I tried to explain my irrationale.
The problem with reacting to happiness with anxiety and depression is that no one understands your PAIN.
I had to explain that although I am occasionally filled with an existentially uneasy feeling that I find overwhelming,
my reality check says that there is no cause for alarm, I am simply "happy" which I have a slight allergy to and I forget that sometimes.
My reality check tells me I may be poor, but I ain't broke.
It tells me that I enjoy my job most of the time and feel personally fulfilled by performing it.
It tells me that I am in a loving, healthy, supportive romantic and sexual relationship with a true friend.
It tells me that my friends and mom are all working on living happy lives themselves and bring nothing but joy and love and awesomeness into my life.
It reminds me I have time to learn and read and sleep and sit in a patch of sunshine when I see one.
What's my prob, Bob?
Life is just so GOOOOD I gotta scream and run away.
That's what.
Why not?
Makes perfect sense.
However... none of this stops THE CEASELESS THINKING!
Damned that open field and its open sky and its of its infinite fucking possibilities!
Anxiety skitters between the corners of my mind, scattering everything else.
Scuttling any plans away, scrumming like rummy bums and making the whole picture a havoc.
Then they're back in a shadow letting me believe they never existed.
What a play!
Recently I've become trapped in a field fenced with the sky.
Everyday I try walking a different direction, but have made no map of the territory.
I most commonly think of this feeling as: "Unemployed", but that is not the case today.
I associate this feeling with the act of "choosing ignorant bliss over the contemplation of real and impending doom".
My past time for a week or more has been THINKING.
Just, thinking.
I THINK Im supposed to be bored with that.. or be accomplishing more outside of me... or be doing ANYTHING more useful than thinking..
but all I've been doing is thinking.
Right now, I'm having a hard time writing because I'm too busy thinking.
I don't know if all that thinking is going anywhere or if a hamster upstairs is training for a marathon of some sort, but it's very tiresome.
Im trying to remember how this feeling usually pans out...
I think it means 'change, please', but I can't hear the INFLECTION.
What do you *MEAN* silent voice? What are you saying?
Why must the inner-voice be an unspeaking voice?!
I've been trying to listen verah verah closely.
My brain keeps babbling at me in the language of fired neurons.
The neurons just keep asking 'Why?' and hoping to stay calm so security doesn't escort them out.
Its not fear. Not REAL fear.
It's this feeling like the ground is rumbling and you hope it doesn't mean any of the first 15 things that come to mind.
...all of which involve crushing you...
As a personal note:
I KNOW that when life is going my way... I become terrified.
For some, when life is all sunshine and colored marbles they see a sign that says: Bolder!
They are elated that their plans are working out and that means follow through, that means keep pushing, that means reach past the max and master your ass!
For me, I definitely see: Boulders! written in black block letters painted on caution-yellow reflex with a big arrow pointing right above my head.
Ryan asked about my contentment rut.
I tried to explain my irrationale.
The problem with reacting to happiness with anxiety and depression is that no one understands your PAIN.
I had to explain that although I am occasionally filled with an existentially uneasy feeling that I find overwhelming,
my reality check says that there is no cause for alarm, I am simply "happy" which I have a slight allergy to and I forget that sometimes.
My reality check tells me I may be poor, but I ain't broke.
It tells me that I enjoy my job most of the time and feel personally fulfilled by performing it.
It tells me that I am in a loving, healthy, supportive romantic and sexual relationship with a true friend.
It tells me that my friends and mom are all working on living happy lives themselves and bring nothing but joy and love and awesomeness into my life.
It reminds me I have time to learn and read and sleep and sit in a patch of sunshine when I see one.
What's my prob, Bob?
Life is just so GOOOOD I gotta scream and run away.
That's what.
Why not?
Makes perfect sense.
However... none of this stops THE CEASELESS THINKING!
Damned that open field and its open sky and its of its infinite fucking possibilities!