Where Is My Mind?
I feel the ripping...
My heart tearing, rippling...
between hopeful elation
and the total devastation
of a friend in surgery yesterday...
He got his 2nd cancer diagnosis at the end of February,
trying to get himself into a medical study,
some time in chemo,
some time at home,
back to the hospitals while his wife sits alone,
I can't imagine
the challenge
of sitting
still
right now
as she
waits.
I was texting every few days,
just... saying they're on my mind.
Gave it a break for awhile,
as they enjoyed their time
between chemo and surgery...
hoping I was doing them a favor.
I woke up yesterday to a dream about major surgery,
I texted,
and yes... unknownst to me
it was surgery day.
They're 1,000 miles away
at a top hospital
and I gave my good wishes.
He was in surgery for a whole day...
Along with the tumors,
they removed part of his diaphragm...
integrating a biomedical mesh for the missing pieces.
I can't imagine
how much that must **hurt**
since that is the muscle controlling
the depth of your breath,
the breadth of body,
halved
top and bottom
by this powerful, sensitive muscle.
He survived surgery.
Now he must survive, surviving.
Hope and fear,
mixed -
tearing
each other apart
wishing I knew what I could do.
I'm terrible at these things...
When people are ill in my family,
they hiss at you
demanding to be alone.
They'll ask for specific needs,
they are hungry,
they are thirsty,
they have a *need*
but their need never includes
*comfort*.
We are a family of cats,
that die alone under porches.
I wish I knew how to be more,
for people who might *need* more
than privacy for their pain.
He's one year younger than my mother,
... my mother who smoked like a chimney for 15 years...
and was a borderline alcoholic,
and diet-cola-addict for 30 to 40 years...
who lives off-grid on a mountaintop
alone with her dog and horses.
She suffers health problems,
but is fatalistic about it....
she is the one who taught me
about cats
under
porches.
I'm not too afraid of my own death...
I've faced it more than once.
I'm terrified
of everyone
else's.....
My heart tearing, rippling...
between hopeful elation
and the total devastation
of a friend in surgery yesterday...
He got his 2nd cancer diagnosis at the end of February,
trying to get himself into a medical study,
some time in chemo,
some time at home,
back to the hospitals while his wife sits alone,
I can't imagine
the challenge
of sitting
still
right now
as she
waits.
I was texting every few days,
just... saying they're on my mind.
Gave it a break for awhile,
as they enjoyed their time
between chemo and surgery...
hoping I was doing them a favor.
I woke up yesterday to a dream about major surgery,
I texted,
and yes... unknownst to me
it was surgery day.
They're 1,000 miles away
at a top hospital
and I gave my good wishes.
He was in surgery for a whole day...
Along with the tumors,
they removed part of his diaphragm...
integrating a biomedical mesh for the missing pieces.
I can't imagine
how much that must **hurt**
since that is the muscle controlling
the depth of your breath,
the breadth of body,
halved
top and bottom
by this powerful, sensitive muscle.
He survived surgery.
Now he must survive, surviving.
Hope and fear,
mixed -
tearing
each other apart
wishing I knew what I could do.
I'm terrible at these things...
When people are ill in my family,
they hiss at you
demanding to be alone.
They'll ask for specific needs,
they are hungry,
they are thirsty,
they have a *need*
but their need never includes
*comfort*.
We are a family of cats,
that die alone under porches.
I wish I knew how to be more,
for people who might *need* more
than privacy for their pain.
He's one year younger than my mother,
... my mother who smoked like a chimney for 15 years...
and was a borderline alcoholic,
and diet-cola-addict for 30 to 40 years...
who lives off-grid on a mountaintop
alone with her dog and horses.
She suffers health problems,
but is fatalistic about it....
she is the one who taught me
about cats
under
porches.
I'm not too afraid of my own death...
I've faced it more than once.
I'm terrified
of everyone
else's.....