A fallen feather

[geek3o1415]

Over the last year I have learned much about magic, interconnectedness, the power of intention, and the Divine. I have to say, it's not easy to believe in any of these things. It's very easy to conform to society's view of what is real and possible, even when other realities and possibilities hit you right in the face. It reminds me of the Robert

Comments

[mica_mirrors]

So that's why you disappeared! Not that I ever resented you for it; we both know I had already disappeared as a friend for you, anyway. I felt that we needed very different things in our lives and were not good for each other. I think that may still be true, but I want to tell you that I'm very happy for you, since you are beginning to find what you need. Your "coincedences" remind me a great deal of all the strange circumstances surrounding me and Ron, especially when we first met.
I don't know if I really believe in fate, but there is certainly something that brings the right people together at the right time, and brings individual seekers what they really need. Maybe we are so strongly connected to the need that it draws like a magnet. Anyway, congratulations. It's great to see things really working out for you.
I want to warn you, though, about having too much faith: when I got really into magik, I believed so much that my mind began to fill in the blanks where things did not turn out quite as I expected them. This happened completely unconsciously, and before long I could not tell the difference between what was real and what wasn't. It was a bad place to be, so be careful; keep part of you skeptical. And be careful with names and categories: each culture, or sometimes each person, makes up a different name to describe what they experience, and others with different experiences add on to it until it does not mean what it did. By now, the most popular names for things are certainly inaccurate, as they are defined so many different ways. You are better off being skeptical of categories; experience what you experience and don't try too hard to categorize or understand. You'll end up deceiving yourself.
That said, congratulations and good luck in NC.

[geek3o1415]

Thank you so much for your honesty! I don't like getting in anyone's way. When I feel I am in the way, I tend to withdraw. That's why I disappeared. I started feeling like a hindrance to you, and when I asked you about it, you assured me you were just 'busy.' I still sensed there was something more, but at that point, I just sort of faded out. I wasn't sure if you were evading the truth or just didn't realise it yourself.

I also felt, not that we weren't good for each other, but that it would be best for both of us if we spent a good amount of time apart. With time I am feeling that less so. To me it feels like a clash between my P and your J.

Why is needing very different things in our lives a problem for a platonic friendship? Maybe the problem is that you see my needs as so different that you are unable to support them, and I in turn feel judged and through that judgement smothered (thus the P/J conflict). I am happy to support you no matter how different your needs may be, but if I am inadvertently unsupportive in any way, please let me know. I work hard, maybe too hard, for relationships, and if you say I do something that annoys the hell out of you, you better know I'll try to fix it. :)

I had been going through a time where my feelings and opinions about things were in constant flux. When I think and feel so much, I'm sure people assume I don't even know what I'm thinking, but I just think and feel *so* much that I have trouble expressing it to others in any coherent fashion. I knew what was right for me, even though I couldn't express it properly. It was a bad time to feel judged, because that silences me even more. It was the last thing I needed. During that time I think it would have been best to be apart. Now it's easy to see why you felt I was running away from the future. I wasn't, at all, but it's easy to see why you thought that. I know I was *talking* and *acting* like I was avoiding everything. You couldn't see into my mind, after all, and that's the first thing I would have assumed about someone else. And I would have been concerned. As a person who thinks being open and honest and being able to deal with problems directly is one of his good qualities, I'm a little embarrassed about that. Thankfully now I don't really feel that way anymore (although, if I do start to feel judged, it may come back, at least a little bit.)

I don't need you to be here for me, but I am here for you. I don't really understand how needing very different things in our lives could be a bad thing. Would you mind telling me what some of these things are? I think that would give me a much better idea what's going on for you. Not only that, I love learning, about relationships, about myself, and it could be helpful for me to hear what you have to say. Besides the fact that I think openness is good for everybody. :)

You can post or carry over to email if you want!

[geek3o1415]

Oh. It's funny, I don't think I said anything about that here, but I feel the same way about categories. All of that is almost exactly something I would have said myself. I agree categories are inadequate, and rest assured that when I categorise I'm fully aware of their limits. I'm always skeptical, no worries there. :)