A fallen feather
Over the last year I have learned much about magic, interconnectedness, the power of intention, and the Divine. I have to say, it's not easy to believe in any of these things. It's very easy to conform to society's view of what is real and possible, even when other realities and possibilities hit you right in the face. It reminds me of the Robert Pirsig quote on the front page of my diary: "The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth,' and so it goes away. Puzzling." It's very difficult to truly believe in the power of faith as small as a mustard seed, and that what I ask for sincerely shall be given. However, when I do ask, and it is given, and it happens again, and then ceases to be a proper coincidence, I begin to understand the truth of it. Someone has been incredibly patient with me, putting the truth right in my face so many times, yet I keep doubting and needing further proof! Why is magic so hard to believe in even when it's all around me?
I started talking to angels and spiritual Beings, especially my good friend Archangel Michael, whose loving protective presence I feel has helped me many times. I began asking for miracles and tried to have faith that they would come. I learned to have faith and at least try to believe that I'm worthy, that miracles are abundant and would come my way. Christopher Penczac wrote:
Certain people pray in a give-and-take fasion: "God, if you give me this, I will give up that." That isn't really magick, and doesn't often work. Others will ask for things, but focus so hard on their lack of what they want, or feel so unworthy to receive anything, that they don't have any energy behind their intent. Then there are those people who pray in a confident manner, feel connected to their source through unconditional love, knowing that the divine is abundant, and believe that if it is for the highest good, their prayer will be answered. And it is. They are doing magick.
As soon as I began asking for miracles, and for proof that my prayers had been heard, they started to come, one after the other. My good friend Missi agreed to come all the way from England to go to the week long amazingness that is the Burning Man Festival with me this summer. That was a miracle in itself. I thanked the Divine, and asked that the miracles keep coming. I began to have a very real feeling that the universe was trying to tell me something, that God was intervening in my life more intimately and often than before, as though destiny were a bowling ball that had been rolling down the lane for the longest time and was finally knocking down all the pins.
Perhaps this feeling came from all the little things that happened all the time that felt they were 'set up' for me. For example. When I started to feel unwanted and unloved, because few of my friends would call or email me unless I called or emailed them first, I thought about one person in particular who seemed not to mind talking to me, and whose Live Journal I frequently read, yet she hadn't even taken the time to add me to her friends list. The next day, for the first time in quite a while, I decided to check my Live Journal, and the first thing I saw was that this person had actually added me to her list. At this point I began telling people that I had the strangest feeling the universe was trying to tell me something. That made me happy for a little while, but then I started feeling horrible again. I was having the worst day in quite a while.
The next time I checked my email, though, I found a message from someone who had read my profile on gk2gk.com, a geek personals website: "You're awesome. I just thought you should know that." It cheered me right up. I always crave messages like that, but I never get them. I looked at her profile and considered her equally awesome. I knew right away I had made a new friend. I never expected to find anyone who really interested me on that website, because they all seemed like computer or science geeks, and I really couldn't find much in common with most of them. But I decided to put up a profile anyway, simply because, well, you never know. And I was right. I asked her to send me an email, as short or as long as she wanted, and I was so happy when it was one of the longest emails I'd ever received from anybody! I love long emails. We've sent many long emails back and forth.
I heard that if you want to find a wonderful relationship you should write down the qualities you are looking for in your partner as well as the faults you can and cannot tolerate. I never really believed that putting such things in writing could have the effect of magically bringing you closer to that person. If intention is really that powerful, though, and writing it down expresses your intention, why wouldn't it be powerful? Lack of faith, I guess. I made my list, even though I didn't think writing it down would help any, and even though I didn't really think it was possible. Just whim. I just wondered if she existed. That's why I didn't actually write down any of the faults. On my list were things to which others were tempted to say, "She doesn't exist." But she does. My list:
So, not really expecting all of my expectations to be met, I made my list, and contrary to those who may have thought I was asking too much, I saw each and every one of those qualities fulfilled! It turns out that she made a list, too. As she explained in an email to me:
I must admit that I believe I am smitten with you, that is if you don't mind.
When my parents got together, they did so half because of my Dad's prayer. When he was younger he wrote out a prayer to God asking him to send him a woman who possessed these qualities that he desired and when he met my Mom he just knew that she was the woman from his list, down to her long fingernails for scratching his back.
My brother got married this Christmas in Arizona, where he and his wife Laura live (I love her to death :) ) and in the whole mindset of love, having watched my father preform the ceremony (both of my parents are ordained ministers in my church which does not pay people to work for it so we have different people preaching every sunday, and they all ahve other full time jobs, my Dad is a technical writer and my mother is a middle school guidance counselor) but I decided to make my list, and boy did I make it, I made this sucker two or three pages long. I think you might be my list.
I hope this is good enough reason for those of you looking for true love to take a few minutes out of your day to just make a list. It doesn't have to be realistic. Mine wasn't. But make sure it's what you really want!
Although she sent me that message through gk2gk, she said she has never contacted anyone like that before, and never found a profile that didn't have at least something off-putting. She said mine had nothing like that at all. She said she wasn't going to contact me, thinking "why would he want to talk to me?", but apparently she liked my profile so much, she later returned, unable to resist responding to my profile. She thought, "Well, at least I could give this person a little ego-boost." And if it weren't for her friend Harrison, she may not have had the courage to contact me at all.
Also, had she even known my name, she most definitely would never have thought about contacting me. A few years ago, sadly, she was raped by someone who, like me, is a Sagittarius named Jason. The rape really destroyed her sense of self-worth and healing has been painful. When she learned my name and that I was a Sagittarius, she became afraid, but decided she wanted to get over her fear and not let it overcome her. I told her she could call me by my middle name, Michael, and then she decided to call me Aiden, which she has been calling me ever since. It is a Gaelic name that means "fiery." Her mother, apparently, doesn't call anyone Jason either, so to her I am Professor Bhear, from Little Women.
She had hoped that the rapist had forgotten about her, but a few days ago, he sent her a message through the Internet. It was some matchmaking site where he let her know he was interested in 'meeting' her. I don't know why he did this, but I have no words, and I really don't know what I can do to help her feel safe. Why would he do this? She could hardly breathe...
Anyway... when I was asking for miracles, and looking for signs that I had been heard, I thought that perhaps the sign might be a feather or something. So, when I asked for a sign, I usually looked for a feather. We were both talking about the events leading up to our meeting, and when I told her this, she said, "Did you say feather? You were looking for a feather?" She thought this was very amusing because she had always used the word 'feather' in her online usernames. It seems a really great irony that the 'sign' I was looking for was the real thing!
When I first told her that I felt we had been "brought together" by some spiritual force, it made her nervous, because she felt she had often been used by spirit to serve the needs of others. I proposed to her that, perhaps this time, we were brought together for her sake as well as mine. I recently asked her again whether it still made her nervous. She told me it didn't. I asked her why. She said that before she sent her 'confession' (that she was smitten with me) she talked to God. She often talks to God and receives answers. She says she cannot go to church or a spiritual service without receiving some sort of insight from God. She asked, "Why did you wait so long to bring him to me?!!" She received a clear response: "We had to wait until it was the right time for him, too, you know. He needed to be shown that we're here and looking out for him."
She didn't know that I had been looking for a sign, that I desperately wanted to know that God and the angels were listening to me, that I had been looking for a fallen feather! This seemed to me the grand finale, one more confirmation that they really are looking out for me. Now if they could help me find a way to tell my good friend, who seems to have a huge crush on me, and who I love dearly, and don't want to hurt....
I started talking to angels and spiritual Beings, especially my good friend Archangel Michael, whose loving protective presence I feel has helped me many times. I began asking for miracles and tried to have faith that they would come. I learned to have faith and at least try to believe that I'm worthy, that miracles are abundant and would come my way. Christopher Penczac wrote:
Certain people pray in a give-and-take fasion: "God, if you give me this, I will give up that." That isn't really magick, and doesn't often work. Others will ask for things, but focus so hard on their lack of what they want, or feel so unworthy to receive anything, that they don't have any energy behind their intent. Then there are those people who pray in a confident manner, feel connected to their source through unconditional love, knowing that the divine is abundant, and believe that if it is for the highest good, their prayer will be answered. And it is. They are doing magick.
As soon as I began asking for miracles, and for proof that my prayers had been heard, they started to come, one after the other. My good friend Missi agreed to come all the way from England to go to the week long amazingness that is the Burning Man Festival with me this summer. That was a miracle in itself. I thanked the Divine, and asked that the miracles keep coming. I began to have a very real feeling that the universe was trying to tell me something, that God was intervening in my life more intimately and often than before, as though destiny were a bowling ball that had been rolling down the lane for the longest time and was finally knocking down all the pins.
Perhaps this feeling came from all the little things that happened all the time that felt they were 'set up' for me. For example. When I started to feel unwanted and unloved, because few of my friends would call or email me unless I called or emailed them first, I thought about one person in particular who seemed not to mind talking to me, and whose Live Journal I frequently read, yet she hadn't even taken the time to add me to her friends list. The next day, for the first time in quite a while, I decided to check my Live Journal, and the first thing I saw was that this person had actually added me to her list. At this point I began telling people that I had the strangest feeling the universe was trying to tell me something. That made me happy for a little while, but then I started feeling horrible again. I was having the worst day in quite a while.
The next time I checked my email, though, I found a message from someone who had read my profile on gk2gk.com, a geek personals website: "You're awesome. I just thought you should know that." It cheered me right up. I always crave messages like that, but I never get them. I looked at her profile and considered her equally awesome. I knew right away I had made a new friend. I never expected to find anyone who really interested me on that website, because they all seemed like computer or science geeks, and I really couldn't find much in common with most of them. But I decided to put up a profile anyway, simply because, well, you never know. And I was right. I asked her to send me an email, as short or as long as she wanted, and I was so happy when it was one of the longest emails I'd ever received from anybody! I love long emails. We've sent many long emails back and forth.
I heard that if you want to find a wonderful relationship you should write down the qualities you are looking for in your partner as well as the faults you can and cannot tolerate. I never really believed that putting such things in writing could have the effect of magically bringing you closer to that person. If intention is really that powerful, though, and writing it down expresses your intention, why wouldn't it be powerful? Lack of faith, I guess. I made my list, even though I didn't think writing it down would help any, and even though I didn't really think it was possible. Just whim. I just wondered if she existed. That's why I didn't actually write down any of the faults. On my list were things to which others were tempted to say, "She doesn't exist." But she does. My list:
- Is sweet, caring, generous, optimistic, perhaps idealistic, and great at comforting her friends (and she's always there for them). Elizabeth is all of these things. Unfortunately she's probably too nice to some of her friends, because they take her for granted, and don't deserve her.
- is passionate about the things she loves and cares about. I can hear the glow in her voice when she talks about the things she loves.
- Feels deeply but is emotionally stable and rarely lets her emotions get out of control. This describes her, too, not to say there aren't emotional issues (with both of us) we will need to deal with, but they are things I feel very capable of handling.
- preferably has a career (or is working towards a career) that allows her to express her individuality: writing, singing, theatre, arts, crafts, teaching of some sort, etc.. She is applying to graduate school and wants to become a professor of folklore, and all of those careers I mentioned are things she wants to do! She is a writer (now studying classics and creative writing), an actress (performed in 19 plays); and also a singer and an artist.
- Is open and honest about herself and the things that bother her. That was really important to me. I need someone I can be honest with and who will not get jealous or disappointed or melodramatic at the slightest truth, however harmless or benignly meant, that she doesn't want to hear. Yet Elizabeth is the most open and honest person I know. She has terrible trouble not being honest about things. It is so refreshing to be able to talk to someone so openly and honestly about anything.
- Has many interests, perhaps more than she knows what to do with, is fairly spontaneous, and always open to trying new things. She says she has so many interests that, like me, sometimes she forgets she was interested in something, and rediscovers it.
- Loves books and movies. And languages! But I thought that was too much to ask for. I can't wait to show her all the wonderful bookstores in Boston, including the foreign language bookstore, Schoenhof's!
- Is a hopeless (or hopeful) romantic and believes in true love
- Appreciates chivalry, and makes me feel special in return
- Enjoys nature hikes, canoe rides, whitewater rafting trips, and world travel. Now here I was just being silly expecting her to like all these things, but voila! She loves hiking, canoeing, and whitewater rafting, and when I talked to her about traveling the world, although she hasn't had much money for travel, her voice got giddy like I'd never heard it before.
- Places little importance on money in the scheme of things. She's with me on that, too.
- loves animals, teddy bears, and cute kids cartoons
- Is an extrovert in some situations (e.g. can encourage me to dance), but also has many introverted qualities (often dreams/fantasises, immerses herself in many a book, enjoys thinking and contemplating, being intimate...). Now here I was thinking chemistry, because someone too introverted would keep me hiding in a shell, and someone too extroverted would probably just bore me. She is an ENFP with a lot of introvert qualities. :)
- Likes to have intimate discussions about philosophy, life, feelings, and ideas
- Enjoys renaissance faires. Oh, she does, she does! She has a beautiful cape and scrumptious purple leather bodice and I'm going to buy her a skirt to match!
- Is fairly flexible. At least right now, as far as her time is concerned, this is maybe the only thing on the list that is only partly true. Hmmm, maybe reading my list is why she keeps apologising for being so unflexible. But she's finishing up a tough senior year and applying to grad school. Unfortunately there are no folklore grad programs in Massachusetts that I know of...
- Fantasises about living in pre-mundane times
- Enjoys dressing up in all sorts of costume; and acting out (non/sexual) fantasies in character ;). I think this is covered in 'Enjoys renaissance faires'. It just means she does more than just enjoy them. :)
- Shares a similar belief system (Earth is sacred, life and the universe are awesome and miraculous). Yes! She considers herself Christo-pagan, and it's really hard to find people who are comfortable with both Christianity and paganism! A lot of pagans tend to resent or ignore Christianity and vice versa...
- Hopefully believes in faeries, unicorns, and dragons! Last I heard, most of her believes in fairies, and the wary tired part wants to.
- Believes in the magic of learning; loves kids, hopefully wants one or two, and would want to homeschool them, attachment parenting, encourage them to find the beauty in all they do and learn. She wants to homeschool, too, and not in a strict way!
- Thinks an intimate fireside chat in a great blizzard or long thunderstorm is incredibly romantic
- Would do little things every day that make me feel special, and appreciate in return what I do for her
- Is weird, and proud of it!
- Laughs hysterically at Monty-Pythonesque humour (and would laugh right now if she heard me say "Ni!"). She loves Monty Python. She says she loves British humour but hates American humour because it tends to be all about putting people down and making fun of them. She loves Canada, which has to say something about her sense of humour. She's silly and fun.
- Would be totally faithful to the right person for the rest of her life
So, not really expecting all of my expectations to be met, I made my list, and contrary to those who may have thought I was asking too much, I saw each and every one of those qualities fulfilled! It turns out that she made a list, too. As she explained in an email to me:
I must admit that I believe I am smitten with you, that is if you don't mind.
When my parents got together, they did so half because of my Dad's prayer. When he was younger he wrote out a prayer to God asking him to send him a woman who possessed these qualities that he desired and when he met my Mom he just knew that she was the woman from his list, down to her long fingernails for scratching his back.
My brother got married this Christmas in Arizona, where he and his wife Laura live (I love her to death :) ) and in the whole mindset of love, having watched my father preform the ceremony (both of my parents are ordained ministers in my church which does not pay people to work for it so we have different people preaching every sunday, and they all ahve other full time jobs, my Dad is a technical writer and my mother is a middle school guidance counselor) but I decided to make my list, and boy did I make it, I made this sucker two or three pages long. I think you might be my list.
I hope this is good enough reason for those of you looking for true love to take a few minutes out of your day to just make a list. It doesn't have to be realistic. Mine wasn't. But make sure it's what you really want!
Although she sent me that message through gk2gk, she said she has never contacted anyone like that before, and never found a profile that didn't have at least something off-putting. She said mine had nothing like that at all. She said she wasn't going to contact me, thinking "why would he want to talk to me?", but apparently she liked my profile so much, she later returned, unable to resist responding to my profile. She thought, "Well, at least I could give this person a little ego-boost." And if it weren't for her friend Harrison, she may not have had the courage to contact me at all.
Also, had she even known my name, she most definitely would never have thought about contacting me. A few years ago, sadly, she was raped by someone who, like me, is a Sagittarius named Jason. The rape really destroyed her sense of self-worth and healing has been painful. When she learned my name and that I was a Sagittarius, she became afraid, but decided she wanted to get over her fear and not let it overcome her. I told her she could call me by my middle name, Michael, and then she decided to call me Aiden, which she has been calling me ever since. It is a Gaelic name that means "fiery." Her mother, apparently, doesn't call anyone Jason either, so to her I am Professor Bhear, from Little Women.
She had hoped that the rapist had forgotten about her, but a few days ago, he sent her a message through the Internet. It was some matchmaking site where he let her know he was interested in 'meeting' her. I don't know why he did this, but I have no words, and I really don't know what I can do to help her feel safe. Why would he do this? She could hardly breathe...
Anyway... when I was asking for miracles, and looking for signs that I had been heard, I thought that perhaps the sign might be a feather or something. So, when I asked for a sign, I usually looked for a feather. We were both talking about the events leading up to our meeting, and when I told her this, she said, "Did you say feather? You were looking for a feather?" She thought this was very amusing because she had always used the word 'feather' in her online usernames. It seems a really great irony that the 'sign' I was looking for was the real thing!
When I first told her that I felt we had been "brought together" by some spiritual force, it made her nervous, because she felt she had often been used by spirit to serve the needs of others. I proposed to her that, perhaps this time, we were brought together for her sake as well as mine. I recently asked her again whether it still made her nervous. She told me it didn't. I asked her why. She said that before she sent her 'confession' (that she was smitten with me) she talked to God. She often talks to God and receives answers. She says she cannot go to church or a spiritual service without receiving some sort of insight from God. She asked, "Why did you wait so long to bring him to me?!!" She received a clear response: "We had to wait until it was the right time for him, too, you know. He needed to be shown that we're here and looking out for him."
She didn't know that I had been looking for a sign, that I desperately wanted to know that God and the angels were listening to me, that I had been looking for a fallen feather! This seemed to me the grand finale, one more confirmation that they really are looking out for me. Now if they could help me find a way to tell my good friend, who seems to have a huge crush on me, and who I love dearly, and don't want to hurt....