Arisings
I find myself feeling a lot of anxiety today... anxiety that arises when there is nothing happening, when there is nothing to fill the space with. I am driven to stay busy in order to tell myself that I'm OK. There is a fear to face the underlying emptiness that I am experiencing in my life. The fear stems from not really knowing what I'm doing in my life right now. It feels like there is an intense flux moving through, filled with uncertainty that is beyond my control. I miss Adolpho and it has only been a day.
He has inspired me a lot with stories from his life and his rich modes of learning. He is on such a deep path, or at least it looks that way from the outside. The shadow of this impact is that I am starting to look at the fact that most of what I worked for in my 20's feels null and void right now. I am seeing some clients and I guess that's good from a financial perpsective, but I am starting to have the feeling that I just don't want to do TCM anymore. There is another kind of life for me out there, beyond the kinesphere of everything immediate that I know and take false comfort in here. I say "false" because there is a degree of stagnation occurring within the delicate stability I have carefully constructed in such a controlled way.
I guess the bottom line is that I'm feeling really lost right now. Ironically Adolpho just texted me as I was writing this, to say he is feeling tired and lost. We are in a similar boat in our lives, although he is feeling the pinch more strongly because he is battling with poverty on top of it all. I'm feeling lost because I don't know what to expand into from here. I am taking dance classes and learning body related stuff, and I am enjoying my relationship with Adolpho in a deep and profound way; but aside from those gems, the rest of my life feels up in the air and transient. Like... what am I really doing right now? The energy is feeling heavy.
Why am I here? And what am I doing with my life?
I just pray that feeling of "remix" that's passing through my life doesn't tear things from me that I have really come to love, like Adolpho. I will move mountains to preserve that relationship, if it's in the cards for me.
My free will astrology for this week: "In his book The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig coins words to describe previously unnamed feelings. I suspect you may have experienced a few of them recently. One is "monachopsis," defined as "the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place." Then there's "altschmerz," meaning "weariness with the same old issues you've always had." Another obscure sorrow you might recognize is "nodus tollens," or "the realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense anymore." Now I'll tell you two of Koenig's more uplifting terms, which I bet you'll feel as you claw your way free of the morass. First, there's "liberosis": caring less about unimportant things; relaxing your grip so you can hold your life loosely and playfully. Second, there's "flashover," that moment when conversations become "real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony." "
He has inspired me a lot with stories from his life and his rich modes of learning. He is on such a deep path, or at least it looks that way from the outside. The shadow of this impact is that I am starting to look at the fact that most of what I worked for in my 20's feels null and void right now. I am seeing some clients and I guess that's good from a financial perpsective, but I am starting to have the feeling that I just don't want to do TCM anymore. There is another kind of life for me out there, beyond the kinesphere of everything immediate that I know and take false comfort in here. I say "false" because there is a degree of stagnation occurring within the delicate stability I have carefully constructed in such a controlled way.
I guess the bottom line is that I'm feeling really lost right now. Ironically Adolpho just texted me as I was writing this, to say he is feeling tired and lost. We are in a similar boat in our lives, although he is feeling the pinch more strongly because he is battling with poverty on top of it all. I'm feeling lost because I don't know what to expand into from here. I am taking dance classes and learning body related stuff, and I am enjoying my relationship with Adolpho in a deep and profound way; but aside from those gems, the rest of my life feels up in the air and transient. Like... what am I really doing right now? The energy is feeling heavy.
Why am I here? And what am I doing with my life?
I just pray that feeling of "remix" that's passing through my life doesn't tear things from me that I have really come to love, like Adolpho. I will move mountains to preserve that relationship, if it's in the cards for me.
My free will astrology for this week: "In his book The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig coins words to describe previously unnamed feelings. I suspect you may have experienced a few of them recently. One is "monachopsis," defined as "the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place." Then there's "altschmerz," meaning "weariness with the same old issues you've always had." Another obscure sorrow you might recognize is "nodus tollens," or "the realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense anymore." Now I'll tell you two of Koenig's more uplifting terms, which I bet you'll feel as you claw your way free of the morass. First, there's "liberosis": caring less about unimportant things; relaxing your grip so you can hold your life loosely and playfully. Second, there's "flashover," that moment when conversations become "real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony." "