Seattle with Adolpho
My trip down to Seattle with Adolpho was an unexpected intersection in my life that I decided to roll with. This wonderful yet unpredictable man who has entered my life is challenging most of my structures and preconceptions about every aspect of my life he touches -- and he is welcome. Something told me that the trip down was necessary, either for him or myself, or both. It was a relatively last minute decision and by all accounts it was very spontaneous given how static my life has been in the past few months. Because Adx is constantly challenging structures and hierarchies as part of who he is, our relationship remains undefined; and yet his whirlwind of loving power is blowing through my life like an unstoppable force of nature. From the little things like how to make soup and reinvent my diet, to the endless possibilities of life plans and learning together, I am being transformed at the core by this enigmatic man. All that said, I'm sure if he read this, he would probably redefine a thing or two that I've already written. His mind is tenaciously resistant to sticky labels and I can appreciate that.
Our trip down to Doug Velez's place was a bit of a calamity. Lots of Neptune going on there, like drug use, messy sex magic, and supreme levels of stagnation and self-avoidance. Our first morning, upon waking, was very discombobulated. The messy and foggy energy of that household stuck to us like a residue. It made navigating traffic extremely stressful and dangerous. It made Adx late for class. It put us both in a pissy, stressed out mood because suddenly the foundation was shaken up. Just bad energy. We dealt with it pretty well... didn't really take it out on each other and just tried to sink into our respective coping strategies. By the end of Adx's first day of dance class at Velocity, I had located a new place for us mere blocks away on Capitol Hill, with a man named Tony who was a lot more peaceful and stable. His home was beautiful and he was very kind to us. The chaos of our arrival in Seattle quickly immersed me in all my resiliency skills that I had thought were not so accessible due to perceiving myself as incapable. And yet, all those Gemini networking tricks I used to summon effortlessly in my travels came back to me again. The magic of the network delivered.
I ate a lot of different foods on the trip, things that I thought would cause irrevocable harm, and I seem to be OK. Something about being around Adx is testing a lot of new ground for me, as well as making me remember who I really am. He sees me as stronger and more healthy than I currently see myself, and I am gradually growing into his projection. It's how I would like to be and so it's a natural form I'd gladly take on.
Every day I'd drop Adx off at class, then meet for lunch and come get him when his class ended. We'd have coffee at the same place together afterward where he would debrief me on the interpersonal intricacies of his day. We both thought I was meant to be taking the class too but upon further reflection I feel that 32 hours worth of dance over the course of a few days would be way too much for me. Also, apparently the space was dirty and cold. Not the best setup for me, nor would it really fall in line with my need to be gradual right now. I admittedly had moments of wondering just what the fuck I was doing in Seattle. Was I being a martyr by dropping everything to help make Adx's class happen for him? By doing all the logistics, by paying for things (which I offered to do up front), by tailoring my schedule to his class hours?
I've had some concerns about falling into my old pattern of giving too much in relationships, especially when they are newly forming. My excessive giving can create an uncomfortable energy dynamic. It can make the other person feel guilty for not being able to match my provisions, or that they somehow owe me something. I've been keeping this in mind. Even so, I don't feel this trip to Seattle was about that. Something has been telling me for over a year that I needed to check the place out, and I also genuinely wanted to help Adx to maybe get some inspiration to reboot his life. I have learned a lot about giving and receiving on this trip. Being Venus in my own life tends to bring in more rewards for myself and those nearest to me, rather than being overly active and a go getter. Adx and I agreed in general that things work better when I create space for him to come to me because he has a more chaotic nature than I do.
I basically see myself as some mix of Saturn and Venus in this relationship, while he is Uranus and Pluto. I am like an orderly Aphrodite falling in mutual love with Shiva or Loki. This man entered my life at the final pass of Saturn to my Uranus... our relationship is clearly about learning freedom while challenging ideas of security and structures. I love him dearly and I am looking forward to seeing how things unfold. I feel a real future with this man and although the exact form is yet to be revealed, there is nothing minor or flippant going on here. We are going deep quickly. I want him on all levels, and I want to give him myself on all levels; but for the first time it is not obsessive or delusional. It feels very clear and in proportion. Very adult. Very measured in the way that we abandon ourselves to each other in doses. It is structured chaos. I've never experienced being with a man who cares about me so deeply and who continues to be steadfast. I don't have to worry about "fucking it up" or saying the wrong thing. Boyhood psychology is not at work here. I am with a strong, self-knowing man.
Seattle itself I didn't exactly connect to. I was sad to leave because of the novelty factor and because spending time out of town with Adx was really great. We seemed to work well together as a team. There was no real drama, just a lot of cooperation and coordination within our given capacities. But it was more the interpersonal connection that I associate with Seattle that I will miss, rather than the city itself. I suppose Pike Market was OK. I enjoyed the visible queer culture, the different food places. I also have that the sense that living in the U.S. in general could be better for me. When I expressed this to Adx he said he would feel crushed if I suddenly left. I told him that wherever I go he is invited and I'd prefer to do such a move together anyway.
Bellingham was nice... I enjoyed the Fatima burger place on our way down. The burritos we had on the way back up were enormous and Adx ate all of his in one go, to his detriment. The food was meh quality but a lot of it and we both had some post-prandial malaise going on even into the next day!
On the last day I needed to have a good cry due to the overwhelm. I considered it growing pains in the aftermath, but I had to do a lot of processing of what was going on. It feels like a lot of power and change are starting to move through my life on a very core level and I am just trying to breathe my way through it. Health is always a concern but somehow I am sustaining right now (knock on wood). Part of me is excited and happy that change is finally afoot - and we are always changing, regardless, but I mean palpable, profound change. I am putting out the magic that nothing can fuck this up. I am also trying to sink into the part of myself that is capable of trusting in all the unknowns, because deep down there is a sense that a perfectly beneficial setup is going to come into play that I could never possibly contrive of, if I just try my best to surrender to the flow of life: like Adx suddenly dancing on a street corner hot dog stand to "That Thing" by Lauryn Hill. His randomness psyches me out but it's going to be good for me!!
Something that Susan mentioned that also occurred to me is that maybe the pathway to better health is to experience such randomness again. She said that there is something about being stuck at home that makes our health issues a lot worse. Maybe all that movement will take my mind off my body so that my body can just relax. It's a theory worth continuing to test. Pluto is closing in on my Sun now and maybe that's part of the overwhelm. I have a Pluto guy in my life to accompany me toward a Pluto transit. I hope he sticks around for it!!!
I feel as though I am taking part in something that is bigger than me, in this relationship with Adx. It is a union that shakes the earth and lights our fires. Our hearts. Our minds. Our cocks. Every part of us. We find each other so erotic and the charge of that goes everywhere in me. I want this creative energy to form a life that is best for both of us, that we can both inhabit together and derive bliss from. Wouldn't that be something?
Our trip down to Doug Velez's place was a bit of a calamity. Lots of Neptune going on there, like drug use, messy sex magic, and supreme levels of stagnation and self-avoidance. Our first morning, upon waking, was very discombobulated. The messy and foggy energy of that household stuck to us like a residue. It made navigating traffic extremely stressful and dangerous. It made Adx late for class. It put us both in a pissy, stressed out mood because suddenly the foundation was shaken up. Just bad energy. We dealt with it pretty well... didn't really take it out on each other and just tried to sink into our respective coping strategies. By the end of Adx's first day of dance class at Velocity, I had located a new place for us mere blocks away on Capitol Hill, with a man named Tony who was a lot more peaceful and stable. His home was beautiful and he was very kind to us. The chaos of our arrival in Seattle quickly immersed me in all my resiliency skills that I had thought were not so accessible due to perceiving myself as incapable. And yet, all those Gemini networking tricks I used to summon effortlessly in my travels came back to me again. The magic of the network delivered.
I ate a lot of different foods on the trip, things that I thought would cause irrevocable harm, and I seem to be OK. Something about being around Adx is testing a lot of new ground for me, as well as making me remember who I really am. He sees me as stronger and more healthy than I currently see myself, and I am gradually growing into his projection. It's how I would like to be and so it's a natural form I'd gladly take on.
Every day I'd drop Adx off at class, then meet for lunch and come get him when his class ended. We'd have coffee at the same place together afterward where he would debrief me on the interpersonal intricacies of his day. We both thought I was meant to be taking the class too but upon further reflection I feel that 32 hours worth of dance over the course of a few days would be way too much for me. Also, apparently the space was dirty and cold. Not the best setup for me, nor would it really fall in line with my need to be gradual right now. I admittedly had moments of wondering just what the fuck I was doing in Seattle. Was I being a martyr by dropping everything to help make Adx's class happen for him? By doing all the logistics, by paying for things (which I offered to do up front), by tailoring my schedule to his class hours?
I've had some concerns about falling into my old pattern of giving too much in relationships, especially when they are newly forming. My excessive giving can create an uncomfortable energy dynamic. It can make the other person feel guilty for not being able to match my provisions, or that they somehow owe me something. I've been keeping this in mind. Even so, I don't feel this trip to Seattle was about that. Something has been telling me for over a year that I needed to check the place out, and I also genuinely wanted to help Adx to maybe get some inspiration to reboot his life. I have learned a lot about giving and receiving on this trip. Being Venus in my own life tends to bring in more rewards for myself and those nearest to me, rather than being overly active and a go getter. Adx and I agreed in general that things work better when I create space for him to come to me because he has a more chaotic nature than I do.
I basically see myself as some mix of Saturn and Venus in this relationship, while he is Uranus and Pluto. I am like an orderly Aphrodite falling in mutual love with Shiva or Loki. This man entered my life at the final pass of Saturn to my Uranus... our relationship is clearly about learning freedom while challenging ideas of security and structures. I love him dearly and I am looking forward to seeing how things unfold. I feel a real future with this man and although the exact form is yet to be revealed, there is nothing minor or flippant going on here. We are going deep quickly. I want him on all levels, and I want to give him myself on all levels; but for the first time it is not obsessive or delusional. It feels very clear and in proportion. Very adult. Very measured in the way that we abandon ourselves to each other in doses. It is structured chaos. I've never experienced being with a man who cares about me so deeply and who continues to be steadfast. I don't have to worry about "fucking it up" or saying the wrong thing. Boyhood psychology is not at work here. I am with a strong, self-knowing man.
Seattle itself I didn't exactly connect to. I was sad to leave because of the novelty factor and because spending time out of town with Adx was really great. We seemed to work well together as a team. There was no real drama, just a lot of cooperation and coordination within our given capacities. But it was more the interpersonal connection that I associate with Seattle that I will miss, rather than the city itself. I suppose Pike Market was OK. I enjoyed the visible queer culture, the different food places. I also have that the sense that living in the U.S. in general could be better for me. When I expressed this to Adx he said he would feel crushed if I suddenly left. I told him that wherever I go he is invited and I'd prefer to do such a move together anyway.
Bellingham was nice... I enjoyed the Fatima burger place on our way down. The burritos we had on the way back up were enormous and Adx ate all of his in one go, to his detriment. The food was meh quality but a lot of it and we both had some post-prandial malaise going on even into the next day!
On the last day I needed to have a good cry due to the overwhelm. I considered it growing pains in the aftermath, but I had to do a lot of processing of what was going on. It feels like a lot of power and change are starting to move through my life on a very core level and I am just trying to breathe my way through it. Health is always a concern but somehow I am sustaining right now (knock on wood). Part of me is excited and happy that change is finally afoot - and we are always changing, regardless, but I mean palpable, profound change. I am putting out the magic that nothing can fuck this up. I am also trying to sink into the part of myself that is capable of trusting in all the unknowns, because deep down there is a sense that a perfectly beneficial setup is going to come into play that I could never possibly contrive of, if I just try my best to surrender to the flow of life: like Adx suddenly dancing on a street corner hot dog stand to "That Thing" by Lauryn Hill. His randomness psyches me out but it's going to be good for me!!
Something that Susan mentioned that also occurred to me is that maybe the pathway to better health is to experience such randomness again. She said that there is something about being stuck at home that makes our health issues a lot worse. Maybe all that movement will take my mind off my body so that my body can just relax. It's a theory worth continuing to test. Pluto is closing in on my Sun now and maybe that's part of the overwhelm. I have a Pluto guy in my life to accompany me toward a Pluto transit. I hope he sticks around for it!!!
I feel as though I am taking part in something that is bigger than me, in this relationship with Adx. It is a union that shakes the earth and lights our fires. Our hearts. Our minds. Our cocks. Every part of us. We find each other so erotic and the charge of that goes everywhere in me. I want this creative energy to form a life that is best for both of us, that we can both inhabit together and derive bliss from. Wouldn't that be something?