Intimate Details
I've never been one to share intimacy easily, especially physically. I have not appreciate being hugged or prodded or even touched most of my life. It wasn't about other bodies invading my personal space, my personal space was the problem. A couple years ago my self-esteem wasn't even low, more like non-existent. I viewed my body as nothing more than a shell containing my consciousness. Sensations and perceptions filtered through the shell but felt distant, detached, alien somehow. I could not understand the preoccupation everyone had with physical contact. I appreciated the gestures of hugs, kisses and touches but did not get pleasure from it. Relationships that dared to breach my physical barrier were quickly doomed to failure.
Slowly, I embraced intellectual intimacy because matters of the mind did not require access to the physical body. My first friendships were based on conversation and shared interests. But when every theory is discussed and every story shared there is nowhere left to go. Emotional intimacy was soon expected. I feigned emotions rather than express my own. If my emotions were known I would be seen as the monster I truly was. I observed others and emulated their feelings for the rest of the world. Though many believed my ploy I could never deceive myself. I could not change who or what I was. Once I accepted this simple fact my emotions began to slip through my fingers until the dam in my heart burst.
I shared my emotions with others and saw my own reflected back. With them I learned to laugh away my shame. I realized I was not a monster or alien or freak, just a girl. A girl with unusual circumstances perhaps, but nothing to get hung up about. What once plagued me in my darkest hours was just another part of my life. I embraced what I needed and cast off what held me back. I worked out the biggest of issues and was ready to love another. I wanted a man to love but knew he would come in time. I lived my life, bettered myself and found love with my friends. I finally enjoyed the hugs, cheek kisses, friendly touches and embraces. I had learned to love my body and wanted to share it with others.
Without struggle or effort my man and I found each other. Although I knew I wanted to share myself with him from only a few encounters , he needed more time. I cried, stepped back, befriended him and accepted the possibility of nothing more. But we did embrace when the time was right and for once in my life I am completely unafraid of intimacy. I never second-guess my thoughts, feelings or actions. I am always in the moment with him and feel like I can share anything. But that feeling goes beyond when we're together. I feel stronger now. I've stood emotionally and physically naked in front of another human being and grown from it. I've never felt so calm, so mature, so balanced as I do now. The future will always bring hardships, but I know I can embrace my loved ones and ride out any storm. Life is not so scary anymore.
Slowly, I embraced intellectual intimacy because matters of the mind did not require access to the physical body. My first friendships were based on conversation and shared interests. But when every theory is discussed and every story shared there is nowhere left to go. Emotional intimacy was soon expected. I feigned emotions rather than express my own. If my emotions were known I would be seen as the monster I truly was. I observed others and emulated their feelings for the rest of the world. Though many believed my ploy I could never deceive myself. I could not change who or what I was. Once I accepted this simple fact my emotions began to slip through my fingers until the dam in my heart burst.
I shared my emotions with others and saw my own reflected back. With them I learned to laugh away my shame. I realized I was not a monster or alien or freak, just a girl. A girl with unusual circumstances perhaps, but nothing to get hung up about. What once plagued me in my darkest hours was just another part of my life. I embraced what I needed and cast off what held me back. I worked out the biggest of issues and was ready to love another. I wanted a man to love but knew he would come in time. I lived my life, bettered myself and found love with my friends. I finally enjoyed the hugs, cheek kisses, friendly touches and embraces. I had learned to love my body and wanted to share it with others.
Without struggle or effort my man and I found each other. Although I knew I wanted to share myself with him from only a few encounters , he needed more time. I cried, stepped back, befriended him and accepted the possibility of nothing more. But we did embrace when the time was right and for once in my life I am completely unafraid of intimacy. I never second-guess my thoughts, feelings or actions. I am always in the moment with him and feel like I can share anything. But that feeling goes beyond when we're together. I feel stronger now. I've stood emotionally and physically naked in front of another human being and grown from it. I've never felt so calm, so mature, so balanced as I do now. The future will always bring hardships, but I know I can embrace my loved ones and ride out any storm. Life is not so scary anymore.