(no subject)
so i've stopped drinking again.
i stopped just before china, which was incredibly hard, lasted about 3 weeks, then went to uni and started again. slippery slope. i've had to stop again, looking up AA and help centres because this is a lot bigger than me.
i hate how on paper i'm so fucked up, when actually i'm really not (well, i don't think i am). but when i meet new people, like i am all the time now, things come up in conversation and i end up sounding like such a headcase. (yes, i used to be bulimic. yes, i have attempted suicide. yes, i was abused by my grandfather. yes, i have an alcohol problem. yes, i have nightmares and insomnia etc etc etc. it feels so weird to see it all like that, and it even makes me go wow, ok, what a fuck-up. but i'm really, really not. honestly.)
so anyway, people obviously don't know these things about me (except a small fraction of the alcohol story - its kinda necessary that my flatmates know). but things come out, you know? and i am a ridiculously honest and open person - i can't keep secrets, not even about myself. and so i'm faced with the dilemma i'm always faced with when i meet new people. people are gonna think i'm crazy.
why am i a mess anyway? i really shouldn't be. but i guess i really kinda am.
i've been really appreciating my mum recently, how much shit she's had to put up with and how shes stuck by me through it all. i didn't want to fight with her yesterday, and it really upset me. i just text her. i'll speak to her tomorrow.
just watched 'secretary' for the first time - amazing film, one of the most intense i've ever seen. its just totally captivating, exhausting really.
writing a new fic based on a plot bunny supplied on theoc_slash. its actually not about dark dark things and has the potential to be fluff!! (i may lose interest because of this however)
this post is so self-obsessed and angsty, but i suppose where else can you be at 1.44 am?
LJ is my chocolate. i love you all.
i stopped just before china, which was incredibly hard, lasted about 3 weeks, then went to uni and started again. slippery slope. i've had to stop again, looking up AA and help centres because this is a lot bigger than me.
i hate how on paper i'm so fucked up, when actually i'm really not (well, i don't think i am). but when i meet new people, like i am all the time now, things come up in conversation and i end up sounding like such a headcase. (yes, i used to be bulimic. yes, i have attempted suicide. yes, i was abused by my grandfather. yes, i have an alcohol problem. yes, i have nightmares and insomnia etc etc etc. it feels so weird to see it all like that, and it even makes me go wow, ok, what a fuck-up. but i'm really, really not. honestly.)
so anyway, people obviously don't know these things about me (except a small fraction of the alcohol story - its kinda necessary that my flatmates know). but things come out, you know? and i am a ridiculously honest and open person - i can't keep secrets, not even about myself. and so i'm faced with the dilemma i'm always faced with when i meet new people. people are gonna think i'm crazy.
why am i a mess anyway? i really shouldn't be. but i guess i really kinda am.
i've been really appreciating my mum recently, how much shit she's had to put up with and how shes stuck by me through it all. i didn't want to fight with her yesterday, and it really upset me. i just text her. i'll speak to her tomorrow.
just watched 'secretary' for the first time - amazing film, one of the most intense i've ever seen. its just totally captivating, exhausting really.
writing a new fic based on a plot bunny supplied on theoc_slash. its actually not about dark dark things and has the potential to be fluff!! (i may lose interest because of this however)
this post is so self-obsessed and angsty, but i suppose where else can you be at 1.44 am?
LJ is my chocolate. i love you all.