On Emotional Un-availability
Warning: this is extremely long and dramatic. There will be a TL;DR at the end, by the way... lulz.
So I dated a guy last year for like... 9 months. In that time, I fell head-over-heels for him. He was smart, funny, charming, and so handsome I blushed every time I looked at him. We had what I thought was going to be my first serious relationship after my divorce. I was wrong. We were 'just friends' for two months before we took the leap into the physical, another month until we actually had sex. I asked him why he hadn't even attempted to sleep with me (it was starting to give me a complex, b/c I knew he wanted to, he just wouldn't), and he told me, in all honesty, that he wasn't looking for a relationship, and didn't want to get my hopes up about things that wouldn't happen. And, like an idiot, I though surely he's just saying that... he'll change his mind... we're so stupidly compatible it would be ridiculous for us not to be in a relationship.
God, I was so incredibly mistaken.
So I told him I was OK with that (which, at the time, I thought I was), and we started sleeping together, going on dates, basically doing everything together. I practically lived at his house. We played video games and watched movies in bed and had philosophical discussions (the fact that he could even have them was just another + in my book). I cooked for him, for God's sake. Anyway... after 6 months, I was in love. That being the case, I knew I had to tell him, for better or worse.
Turns out, it was for worse.
I knew he was 'emotionally unavailable', but Jesus Christ, we told each other our deepest darkest secrets (well, he did... I don't really have any), and you know, the whole 'practically living at his house' thing... so when he told me he didn't feel the same way, and wasn't going to, but that he still wanted to be friends, it was like a slap in the face. I'm not sure why... after all, he had told me he wasn't looking for a relationship and that he was emotionally unavailable.
Long story short, I broke things off because I wasn't willing to compromise my emotional well-being attempting to be 'just friends' with a guy with whom I'd already fallen in love. I haven't spoken to him since July, and before that, since last December. Tonight, he sent me a message, telling me he wanted to reconnect... Ah, screw it... here's the messages. This is catharsis for me...
--------
Him: hey :) you know ive moved back to huntsville aaaannnndd... well there's an elephant in the room betwixt us - you've written me off... and maybe we aren't exactly eye to eye on what we want from each other... but i know we both respect, value, and care about one another... i hold you in extremely high esteem. there are only a handful of people out there whom i admire the way i do you... i hate to think two people with so much in common would have to be soo estranged from one another... i would very much like for us to be able to see one another and do stuff together from time to time again - like at least grab a cup of coffee or maybe have lunch and catch up, share conversation, see whats goin on in each others lives... you were my best friend and now i feel like i've been villified and outcast :( i may have intimacy issues and not be the right one for anyone to get romantically close to, this is true... but i'm not so sure you should view it as a personal rejection cause to me it's not... it's just me being broken me the way i always have been... and it's not pathetic that you love and value and care about me... (wow, i'm not sure i deserve such flattery) the thing is i love, value, and respect you too :) as twisted as it mght sound, i care about you enough to know that because i am the way i am (ie - emotionally handicapped) that i would never be what you truly deserve... still i'm saddened that we dont speak and can't be more than we currently are... it seems like such a waste :( please marinate on this because it would mean the world to me if we could breach this impass, make amends, and speak again
Me: I sent a message to you on July 31st of this year in response to an apology note you wrote to girls you've hurt in the past (you tagged me; I didn't appreciate it). In my message to you, I addressed 'the elephant in the room'. Here it is again, in case you deleted it:
Please know that I'm not writing this in anger, but frustration.
That note is why I can't talk to you, Charlie. You write things like that, and you might as well have slapped me in the face. You don't just want a girl you can watch movies with. You had that with me. We also had great conversations, which I do miss. Regardless, reading this just hurts my feelings all over again.
Perhaps we'll never be friends because I never wanted to be 'just friends' with you in the first place. You can lay that squarely on my shoulders. And you may think that I'm being immature by not speaking with you directly, but like you said: "Truth is, everybody's going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for." I thought you were worth suffering for. I'm sure for someone out there, you will be. But not me. Not anymore. Not for a friendship I never wanted.
Because as pathetic as it is, if we did speak again, and have stimulating conversation (which, I mean, *duh*), I'd just be constantly reminded of what I had, and what you didn't want. Yeah, I'm sure I land somewhere on the sliding scale of masochism for even typing that.
And now I've vented. Take care, Charlie. I do hope that one day you find what you're looking for. Just try not to tag me in any more apology notes in the interim.
***
So we've got nothing to talk about. I don't want to be your friend. I *can't* be your friend. Take it as a personal failure on my part, not as a vilification of you. I'm always (unless you suddenly become stupid or ugly) going to want more from you than friendship, and you're not willing or able to give me that. And the fact that I kept coming back when I *knew* you couldn't/wouldn't commit *is* pathetic, and I'm not willing to put myself in that position again, for my own emotional health. So I'm sorry I can't be your friend, but if you love, value, and respect me as much as you say, then you'll understand that it would hurt me more to attempt being friends with you than it'll hurt you to remain being estranged from me.
Good luck in Huntsville, Charlie.
--------
And there we have it. God, I miss him. I do. I'm just not pathetic enough (any more) to try to be friends with him when I know in the back of my mind I'd be praying for him to make a move. I'm pathetic enough to *think* it, though, and to let everyone on LiveJournal witness my total lack of shame.
TL;DR: Fell in love with a guy who had no intention of reciprocating; now he wants to be friends. Can't/won't do it.
OK, back to writing a ficlet for elisechoi
I really like the way it's turning out :)