Another epiphany....and tears.
*WARNING - This is a long post full of twists and turns. I didn't realize where it would take me till the end.*
Hi Everyone,
I doubt anyone reads this but those that matter to me, but all are welcome.
I was driving home a few minutes ago and and got cut off by someone in a beige toyota pickup. Honestly, this did not bother me. I live in a city and this is part of life here. But what brought on the today's epiphany shocked me. It made me realize where part, maybe even a majority of the shame I feel lies.
To be honest I really don't want to post this.
I'm terrified that those close to me will read it and realize that I'm not the nice person they thought. Maybe even that I might not be worth being friends with at all.
The worst part is that the realization has brought me more shame. I feel ashamed of it to the point where I want to cry.
I'm a hypocrite, maybe even a bigot.
There is a part of me that is scrambling desperately to place blame elsewhere....to blame my father....or society....or something done to me when I was young by someone that was different from me. I feel it writhing just beneath, trying to displace all of the bad things. But when the dust is settled, there is only me, and my now broken heart.
The reality is that I fear people that are different from me, and I fear my self for wanting to become one of THEM. The infamous THEM. The grouping that exists only within our minds, where we put other people that we fear or resent or even feel prejudice against.
The little voice that screams "They're all freaks!" And then the other voice that says "Change and you'll be a freak too."
It was this realization that broke my heart.
How can I be thinking this about people that I love? People that I respect and even admire.
I can't be that bad can I? All I feel is bad about it. I feel so ashamed of those voices. I sit here with real tears in my eyes and I don't know what to do about it. How can I ever look the people I care for in the eyes again? Knowing that even as I've claimed to want to be friends with them, deep inside there is a part of me that has betrayed them by thought, even if not in deed.
Maybe I am a freak. Not because of my desire to become a woman, but because of those feelings inside me that betray those I proclaim to care for.
And yet, I still feel I love and admire them. I still feel like they are an integral part of my life and that my life without them would be a barren wasteland.
As I sit here and slowly write this I realize that these negative things, when I apply them to others, are really almost insignificant. I love Torra and Kierra as friends and that is real. In fact I have never had even a single negative thought of them. I feel deep respect and admiration for people in my group. They have overcome huge adversity in becoming who and what they are. That is real. My gender therapist is trans and I have never thought about her in a negative way. I see trans people in public and feel only the deepest admiration for theri being able to bear the weight of of societies cruel gaze. I see gay couples holding hands or lesbians kissing in public and think to myself "God I wish I could be like that."
Have I been hard on myself here?
Or, is the fear and thought of freakishness within me only reserved for one person. The only person that I know that I can beat down and abuse with no outward sign. Do I displace my positive feelings to those around me while I choose to live in my own little private hell, a self-tortured freak in a one-freak show?
I think I only fear myself. What we as humans fear, we tend to destroy. (No, I'm not suicidal)
I was wrong earlier. As I've been thinking through this and writing my way through it, I'm slowly coming to a realization.
When my family found my female clothing as a teenager, my dad launched into a campaign of trying to teach me intolerance. In a poor attempt to make me some twisted version of normal, he made negative comments about anyone we came across that didn't meet his requirements for normalcy. People with long hair were hippies or fagots, same sex relationships were disgusting and trans people were freaks.
I have always had a strong belief in people. Sure, I've had moments where I've thought humanity as a collective whole was completely stupid, but I've always thought that the majority of people were good in some way. With time this attitude has diminished somewhat. But, back then, when my father was campaigning against what he saw as abnormal, I didn't believe that anyone was as bad as he thought, and in all likelihood, people were just trying to find some measure of happiness, to warm them through their years.
But his words did have an effect, though not the one he intended. I turned all of that negative stuff inside. I refuse to this day to believe all the things he said about others, but myself, that's a different story. Even my long hair carries a small negative to me now....and wanting to become a woman....that means I'm a freak.
Awareness is key they say.
Well, I'm slowly finding the pitfalls of my own personality.
Slowly finding my shame, learning to see it, in the hope of overcoming it.
In the hope of healing me.
*sigh*
Take care All,
*hugs*
GD
Hi Everyone,
I doubt anyone reads this but those that matter to me, but all are welcome.
I was driving home a few minutes ago and and got cut off by someone in a beige toyota pickup. Honestly, this did not bother me. I live in a city and this is part of life here. But what brought on the today's epiphany shocked me. It made me realize where part, maybe even a majority of the shame I feel lies.
To be honest I really don't want to post this.
I'm terrified that those close to me will read it and realize that I'm not the nice person they thought. Maybe even that I might not be worth being friends with at all.
The worst part is that the realization has brought me more shame. I feel ashamed of it to the point where I want to cry.
I'm a hypocrite, maybe even a bigot.
There is a part of me that is scrambling desperately to place blame elsewhere....to blame my father....or society....or something done to me when I was young by someone that was different from me. I feel it writhing just beneath, trying to displace all of the bad things. But when the dust is settled, there is only me, and my now broken heart.
The reality is that I fear people that are different from me, and I fear my self for wanting to become one of THEM. The infamous THEM. The grouping that exists only within our minds, where we put other people that we fear or resent or even feel prejudice against.
The little voice that screams "They're all freaks!" And then the other voice that says "Change and you'll be a freak too."
It was this realization that broke my heart.
How can I be thinking this about people that I love? People that I respect and even admire.
I can't be that bad can I? All I feel is bad about it. I feel so ashamed of those voices. I sit here with real tears in my eyes and I don't know what to do about it. How can I ever look the people I care for in the eyes again? Knowing that even as I've claimed to want to be friends with them, deep inside there is a part of me that has betrayed them by thought, even if not in deed.
Maybe I am a freak. Not because of my desire to become a woman, but because of those feelings inside me that betray those I proclaim to care for.
And yet, I still feel I love and admire them. I still feel like they are an integral part of my life and that my life without them would be a barren wasteland.
As I sit here and slowly write this I realize that these negative things, when I apply them to others, are really almost insignificant. I love Torra and Kierra as friends and that is real. In fact I have never had even a single negative thought of them. I feel deep respect and admiration for people in my group. They have overcome huge adversity in becoming who and what they are. That is real. My gender therapist is trans and I have never thought about her in a negative way. I see trans people in public and feel only the deepest admiration for theri being able to bear the weight of of societies cruel gaze. I see gay couples holding hands or lesbians kissing in public and think to myself "God I wish I could be like that."
Have I been hard on myself here?
Or, is the fear and thought of freakishness within me only reserved for one person. The only person that I know that I can beat down and abuse with no outward sign. Do I displace my positive feelings to those around me while I choose to live in my own little private hell, a self-tortured freak in a one-freak show?
I think I only fear myself. What we as humans fear, we tend to destroy. (No, I'm not suicidal)
I was wrong earlier. As I've been thinking through this and writing my way through it, I'm slowly coming to a realization.
When my family found my female clothing as a teenager, my dad launched into a campaign of trying to teach me intolerance. In a poor attempt to make me some twisted version of normal, he made negative comments about anyone we came across that didn't meet his requirements for normalcy. People with long hair were hippies or fagots, same sex relationships were disgusting and trans people were freaks.
I have always had a strong belief in people. Sure, I've had moments where I've thought humanity as a collective whole was completely stupid, but I've always thought that the majority of people were good in some way. With time this attitude has diminished somewhat. But, back then, when my father was campaigning against what he saw as abnormal, I didn't believe that anyone was as bad as he thought, and in all likelihood, people were just trying to find some measure of happiness, to warm them through their years.
But his words did have an effect, though not the one he intended. I turned all of that negative stuff inside. I refuse to this day to believe all the things he said about others, but myself, that's a different story. Even my long hair carries a small negative to me now....and wanting to become a woman....that means I'm a freak.
Awareness is key they say.
Well, I'm slowly finding the pitfalls of my own personality.
Slowly finding my shame, learning to see it, in the hope of overcoming it.
In the hope of healing me.
*sigh*
Take care All,
*hugs*
GD