new cycle, new life, new me. FOR SURE THIS TIME.
It's 2013. I survived te apocalypse, right along with everyone else.
It was pretty fucking boring.
-
My life is full of awesome and fail, as, I suppose, most are.
The people. The people are what get me. I just put sooooooooooooooooo much into them. I do. I can't help it - I just feel so goddamned responsible for being everyone's best friend. I try so hard.
It's never enough, though, and that's starting to become apparent. I told myself, god, back in 2005 - at the age of 19 - that I couldn't save everyone. That I can't be all things to all people. Like, for example, this beautiful and lovely girl sleeping next to me. I can't even sleep next to her, because I'm just so worried for her. She's had her heart broken big time, and I'm who she feels comfortable hanging out with.
It's a weird place, too, because she's my ex. I crushed on this girl for four years, we dated briefly, she dumped me in one of the most heinous ways possible and broke my fucking heart.
And she wants me to be there for her during her heartbreak. It's literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. She's been one of my favorite people since I met her, and for so many reasons. Yeah, she treated my feelings like snow and just crushed them on a nonchalant walk, but, fuck, dude. I still love her all the same. Three years haven't changed a fucking thing. And here I am trying to be so supportive and friendly and shit, because I love her, and I want her to find such happiness in life - the kind I found.
But, I don't think she'll ever get so low that she gets to the "fuck it" stage of life. So, I just push as much positive energy her way as possible. I want it to be enough, and goddamnit, I hope it is.
-
My mind has changed rather completely over the last year. I want a family. My family. I want a wife, I want kids. Yes, I want to be a husband and a dad. So much.
But not with some dumb bitch. And that's the crux of the problem - my dating history is - with the exception of this beautiful snoring little lady next to me who no longer has any interest in me whatsoever - full of dumb bitches.
i don't know what I'm doing wrong, either. I absolutely am a confident and intelligent guy with nothing but respect for women. Why the fuck do I attract idiots? For what fucking reason are these people even interested in me?
I've tried, too. There are a good number of classy awesome ladies in my life and they don't want a thing to do with me, at all. I've asked them out - this leads to said ladies flaking out on me or just plain turning me down. And damnit, why? Society says, "oh, shit, you wanna date girls? Just ask lol" and it's NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.
I want to get to know someone over time and have it be meaningful. I want to fall asleep holding a woman who loves me. I want them to love me, damnit. I want them to love my idiosyncrocies, I want them to understand and live with my stupid petty shit, and I want them to still want me after they figure out who I am.
Who am I? I know that I'm one of the most loving and patient people on the planet. I know that my heart aches for every single person, because I've known the pain of living. I've been there. I know that my heart is good. I know because I've seen people with shit hearts. I've spent a lot of time with them, actually. They're awful. They don't give two shits about others, and I fucking can't stand such base rudeness.
Meanwhile, I'm playing the hero for so many people in so many ways - large and small - and I feel like I just get dicked for it. No medals, no awards, no blowjobs. Fuck, the people who owe me so much don't even fucking thank me, most of the time. No, "hey, Kevin, thanks for talking me out of suicide for a month solid." No, "dude, thanks for making yourself broke to make my life a little better." I guess I'm just at the point where I feel karma should've been like, "dude, you've been pushing so hard and making so many people laugh and be happy, take a break and enjoy yourself for a year."
I just have to keep fighting, keep surviving, and it's incredibly difficult for me. See, I have this attitude towards life where I take shit as it comes, figure it out, and keep trucking right along. But, I stay remarkably cool. No anger, no regrets, no tears. Just cool.
And I feel like it breaks down, and I don't even know how to be, yanno? I just need a good cry, or I need to scream my head off, but that shit isn't me and my brain fights those behaviors SO hard. I guess I just feel like I have to stay cool and I'm kinda losing it. Been living on the 'edge' for like, three years now, and I have the gray hairs to prove it.
Like, the last week of 2012? So fucking ridiculous. Got illegally evicted, had my power shut off, lost out on like, $1200 I'd paid into rent, had my place broken into and my last remaining valubles robbed.
all this for a hippie kid who wants nothing more then to see my fellow man happy. I don't fuck with people, I mind my business, and still, I'm super fucked.
-
This is all just a test.
My time will come.
I'm just tired of the beginning of my story. Next chapter, please.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
It was pretty fucking boring.
-
My life is full of awesome and fail, as, I suppose, most are.
The people. The people are what get me. I just put sooooooooooooooooo much into them. I do. I can't help it - I just feel so goddamned responsible for being everyone's best friend. I try so hard.
It's never enough, though, and that's starting to become apparent. I told myself, god, back in 2005 - at the age of 19 - that I couldn't save everyone. That I can't be all things to all people. Like, for example, this beautiful and lovely girl sleeping next to me. I can't even sleep next to her, because I'm just so worried for her. She's had her heart broken big time, and I'm who she feels comfortable hanging out with.
It's a weird place, too, because she's my ex. I crushed on this girl for four years, we dated briefly, she dumped me in one of the most heinous ways possible and broke my fucking heart.
And she wants me to be there for her during her heartbreak. It's literally one of the hardest things I've ever done. She's been one of my favorite people since I met her, and for so many reasons. Yeah, she treated my feelings like snow and just crushed them on a nonchalant walk, but, fuck, dude. I still love her all the same. Three years haven't changed a fucking thing. And here I am trying to be so supportive and friendly and shit, because I love her, and I want her to find such happiness in life - the kind I found.
But, I don't think she'll ever get so low that she gets to the "fuck it" stage of life. So, I just push as much positive energy her way as possible. I want it to be enough, and goddamnit, I hope it is.
-
My mind has changed rather completely over the last year. I want a family. My family. I want a wife, I want kids. Yes, I want to be a husband and a dad. So much.
But not with some dumb bitch. And that's the crux of the problem - my dating history is - with the exception of this beautiful snoring little lady next to me who no longer has any interest in me whatsoever - full of dumb bitches.
i don't know what I'm doing wrong, either. I absolutely am a confident and intelligent guy with nothing but respect for women. Why the fuck do I attract idiots? For what fucking reason are these people even interested in me?
I've tried, too. There are a good number of classy awesome ladies in my life and they don't want a thing to do with me, at all. I've asked them out - this leads to said ladies flaking out on me or just plain turning me down. And damnit, why? Society says, "oh, shit, you wanna date girls? Just ask lol" and it's NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.
I want to get to know someone over time and have it be meaningful. I want to fall asleep holding a woman who loves me. I want them to love me, damnit. I want them to love my idiosyncrocies, I want them to understand and live with my stupid petty shit, and I want them to still want me after they figure out who I am.
Who am I? I know that I'm one of the most loving and patient people on the planet. I know that my heart aches for every single person, because I've known the pain of living. I've been there. I know that my heart is good. I know because I've seen people with shit hearts. I've spent a lot of time with them, actually. They're awful. They don't give two shits about others, and I fucking can't stand such base rudeness.
Meanwhile, I'm playing the hero for so many people in so many ways - large and small - and I feel like I just get dicked for it. No medals, no awards, no blowjobs. Fuck, the people who owe me so much don't even fucking thank me, most of the time. No, "hey, Kevin, thanks for talking me out of suicide for a month solid." No, "dude, thanks for making yourself broke to make my life a little better." I guess I'm just at the point where I feel karma should've been like, "dude, you've been pushing so hard and making so many people laugh and be happy, take a break and enjoy yourself for a year."
I just have to keep fighting, keep surviving, and it's incredibly difficult for me. See, I have this attitude towards life where I take shit as it comes, figure it out, and keep trucking right along. But, I stay remarkably cool. No anger, no regrets, no tears. Just cool.
And I feel like it breaks down, and I don't even know how to be, yanno? I just need a good cry, or I need to scream my head off, but that shit isn't me and my brain fights those behaviors SO hard. I guess I just feel like I have to stay cool and I'm kinda losing it. Been living on the 'edge' for like, three years now, and I have the gray hairs to prove it.
Like, the last week of 2012? So fucking ridiculous. Got illegally evicted, had my power shut off, lost out on like, $1200 I'd paid into rent, had my place broken into and my last remaining valubles robbed.
all this for a hippie kid who wants nothing more then to see my fellow man happy. I don't fuck with people, I mind my business, and still, I'm super fucked.
-
This is all just a test.
My time will come.
I'm just tired of the beginning of my story. Next chapter, please.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.