hrmph.
so, I'm sitting here in my apartment, with internet access.
odd, as this comes at the end of a long time I've been here, and in three days, I likely won't be here.
-
I look back at the envelope that contains all the shit I've written since I left california, and back at the various online journals I've kept.
and I miss it. I have missed it, and I've needed it. it's been too long since I've sat down, and typed out some feelings. so, here goes. strap yourself in for blahblahblah.
-
I'd been jobless since 2008 started, up until about a month ago. the job I got gives me about a day and a half a week, and, well, as a result of all this, I've become rather fucked. I got two months late on rent, and now I have a sticker on the door telling me that, no, this apartment isn't really my property, and that, yes, the apartment manager would like it back.
I mean, hell, I tried my best, too. from the day I left my job in december to, hell, now, I've been applying, and interviewing, and sending out resumes, and making phone calls. what the fuck? I mean, I tried so hard to save myself this time. I didn't just sit there, slouch around, and play video games. I walked miles through snow, I biked a good distance through snow, and I dealt with all that shit just to try to find employment - and I got fucked over regardless.
-
I hate my girlfriend as much as I love her, and it vexes me. there are times I can't get enough of her, and then there's times we both sit next to each other, stare at a TV, and I feel like I just want her to fucking leave my life. I want her out, and I don't want to see her again for weeks.
for example, most of winter, she spent her days feeling sick and alone, despite the fact that we live together. she started calling off work and has since lost 95% of her hours - she works once a week, maybe, and that's been the case since january. I took time out of my work - the job mentioned last post - to deal with outbursts like, "I feel like killing myself" and "you don't love me, do you?!?". after a few instances of that happening, I started losing hours and eventually wasn't getting shit for hours, so I quit.
and since then, things have been fucked. she hasn't tried to get a new job at all, and she didn't put in work towards trying to rustle up money when I had half of what we owed. she believes it's my job to get everything in order and taken care of - no matter what. her name's on the bills and the lease, and she didn't lift a finger for months - just complained about how shitty things were.
she just has this habit of not giving a fuck about life unless she's being personally entertained. I mean, I'm a funny guy, but I'm not there to play the fucking fool for someone all day.
And then she's okay again, and I don't fucking understand her for being so fucking out of it and unaware of people's feelings.
angry feeling? not so much. just disappointed with karma's decision to not show up when I needed it - hell, for still being gone.
-
next point - spring. it's that time of year, and for the first time in my life, I'm looking out at the female population, and it's kinda like... hunting season. it's mostly this reason that girlfriend troubles are really troubling at the moment.
-
next good point in any decently angsty kevin post - family bullshit!
I called my dad and asked him to help bail me out of the rent problem I had gotten myself into. he told me that he wasn't going to help me, and that he needed me at home. when I told him that I was home, the conversation broke down a bit.
apparently, he'd pay for my ticket back to california as long as I lived with my dying grandpa, took care of him, and took him to his doctor appointments.
now, I'm not a person devoid of sentiment, but I haven't seen my grandpa since I was like, 16. I just know that I don't want to watch my grandpa die. at all. in fact, the idea horrified me, and I haven't spoken to my dad since.
god, life can get pretty fucked up.
I mean, would I like the chance to just relax and settle down for a bit?
sure. I would. but I have absolutely nothing for me in california. especially northern california.
it's not my home, and I don't feel welcome.
that's about it.
how are you? hopefully better.
I guess I'm just frustrated. and tense, and upset, and stressed, and all those other things you get when you don't know where you're going.
just that you want to be there.
odd, as this comes at the end of a long time I've been here, and in three days, I likely won't be here.
-
I look back at the envelope that contains all the shit I've written since I left california, and back at the various online journals I've kept.
and I miss it. I have missed it, and I've needed it. it's been too long since I've sat down, and typed out some feelings. so, here goes. strap yourself in for blahblahblah.
-
I'd been jobless since 2008 started, up until about a month ago. the job I got gives me about a day and a half a week, and, well, as a result of all this, I've become rather fucked. I got two months late on rent, and now I have a sticker on the door telling me that, no, this apartment isn't really my property, and that, yes, the apartment manager would like it back.
I mean, hell, I tried my best, too. from the day I left my job in december to, hell, now, I've been applying, and interviewing, and sending out resumes, and making phone calls. what the fuck? I mean, I tried so hard to save myself this time. I didn't just sit there, slouch around, and play video games. I walked miles through snow, I biked a good distance through snow, and I dealt with all that shit just to try to find employment - and I got fucked over regardless.
-
I hate my girlfriend as much as I love her, and it vexes me. there are times I can't get enough of her, and then there's times we both sit next to each other, stare at a TV, and I feel like I just want her to fucking leave my life. I want her out, and I don't want to see her again for weeks.
for example, most of winter, she spent her days feeling sick and alone, despite the fact that we live together. she started calling off work and has since lost 95% of her hours - she works once a week, maybe, and that's been the case since january. I took time out of my work - the job mentioned last post - to deal with outbursts like, "I feel like killing myself" and "you don't love me, do you?!?". after a few instances of that happening, I started losing hours and eventually wasn't getting shit for hours, so I quit.
and since then, things have been fucked. she hasn't tried to get a new job at all, and she didn't put in work towards trying to rustle up money when I had half of what we owed. she believes it's my job to get everything in order and taken care of - no matter what. her name's on the bills and the lease, and she didn't lift a finger for months - just complained about how shitty things were.
she just has this habit of not giving a fuck about life unless she's being personally entertained. I mean, I'm a funny guy, but I'm not there to play the fucking fool for someone all day.
And then she's okay again, and I don't fucking understand her for being so fucking out of it and unaware of people's feelings.
angry feeling? not so much. just disappointed with karma's decision to not show up when I needed it - hell, for still being gone.
-
next point - spring. it's that time of year, and for the first time in my life, I'm looking out at the female population, and it's kinda like... hunting season. it's mostly this reason that girlfriend troubles are really troubling at the moment.
-
next good point in any decently angsty kevin post - family bullshit!
I called my dad and asked him to help bail me out of the rent problem I had gotten myself into. he told me that he wasn't going to help me, and that he needed me at home. when I told him that I was home, the conversation broke down a bit.
apparently, he'd pay for my ticket back to california as long as I lived with my dying grandpa, took care of him, and took him to his doctor appointments.
now, I'm not a person devoid of sentiment, but I haven't seen my grandpa since I was like, 16. I just know that I don't want to watch my grandpa die. at all. in fact, the idea horrified me, and I haven't spoken to my dad since.
god, life can get pretty fucked up.
I mean, would I like the chance to just relax and settle down for a bit?
sure. I would. but I have absolutely nothing for me in california. especially northern california.
it's not my home, and I don't feel welcome.
that's about it.
how are you? hopefully better.
I guess I'm just frustrated. and tense, and upset, and stressed, and all those other things you get when you don't know where you're going.
just that you want to be there.