ranting
we'll start this off on a happy note...
woke up yesterday...everything is great. i leave Maddie on her play mat for no more than 30 seconds and when i get back...she's rolled over. all by herself. she's just hanging out...kinda propped up on her elbows lookin around. one of these days she's just going to continue rolling...and then crawling...its crazy. so then, because it was so beautiful and i didn't feel like going to back to sleep when she did, i decided i was going to lay out in the sun. i was praying that no one would just stop by the house (like my moms fiance) and that the neighbors weren't around because its certainly not something they would have wanted to see. so all in all i had a good first half of the day. kinda started feeling a little more normal. went out before dinner, got Maddie a new thing to play in and had dinner. then everything goes downhill. yesterday morning i had noticed something black on Madisons chest, almost like a beauty mark or a mole or something. i looked at it in the light and didn't really know what it was so i figure it was harmless. well, when i was putting on her jammies i noticed it was still there. so i get my mom to come and look at it and we realize its a tick. a god dammed tick. no one here at my house was around her to give it to her so i know where it came from. so i freak out. i feel like to worst mother ever and that i just totally let my poor baby down. my mom and mark had to be the ones to get it out because i just couldn't even handle the fact of what it was. i'm so angry. kevin's mother claims to not have seen it but i know it wasn't there when i dropped her off thurs afternoon. so now i could have potentially let this tick sit on her and give her lime disease, and she's not even 3 months old yet. what the hell is wrong with me. and what the hell is wrong with kevin. i hate that he smokes when she's there. i hate that his hands are ALWAYS DIRTY. i hate that they can't notice small things about her. i had to tell them about her beauty mark on her leg...they change her...they should have seen it on their own. i hate that i have to bring her over there...they have WAY too many cats. i hate that i am so miserable most of the time. i hate that i have completely lost myself. there is a plan for july 9th to go out to a club to celebrate Elainas bday...who knows if i even know how to have fun anymore. i'm so self conscious about my body and hate myself everytime i look in the mirror. i hate that nothing is ever easy. i hate never having money. i hate that no one ever understands. i hate that i always feel like i'm burdening people...especially my mother. i hate that i really dont' think she understands how much i appreciate her. i hate that i have to live here. i hate that i don't have my own space. i hate that i feel trapped. i hate that i love her so much but feel like thats not enough...that i'm not doing enough for her...that i'll never be able to do enough for her. i hate that i miss out on things...or think i miss out on things. i hate that i'm not fun. i hate that i've lost myself...or what i used to be. i hate that i have accepted less than i haven't. i hate that i can't change this. i hate that i hate. i hate that i can't do more. i hate that there is more. i hate that i feel like i'm just never going to be enough of anything. i hate being poor. i hate feeling like none of this will ever go away. i hate that i feel like a burden. i hate that i hate myself sometimes. i hate that this is how i feel...
i'm tired of this being how i feel.
woke up yesterday...everything is great. i leave Maddie on her play mat for no more than 30 seconds and when i get back...she's rolled over. all by herself. she's just hanging out...kinda propped up on her elbows lookin around. one of these days she's just going to continue rolling...and then crawling...its crazy. so then, because it was so beautiful and i didn't feel like going to back to sleep when she did, i decided i was going to lay out in the sun. i was praying that no one would just stop by the house (like my moms fiance) and that the neighbors weren't around because its certainly not something they would have wanted to see. so all in all i had a good first half of the day. kinda started feeling a little more normal. went out before dinner, got Maddie a new thing to play in and had dinner. then everything goes downhill. yesterday morning i had noticed something black on Madisons chest, almost like a beauty mark or a mole or something. i looked at it in the light and didn't really know what it was so i figure it was harmless. well, when i was putting on her jammies i noticed it was still there. so i get my mom to come and look at it and we realize its a tick. a god dammed tick. no one here at my house was around her to give it to her so i know where it came from. so i freak out. i feel like to worst mother ever and that i just totally let my poor baby down. my mom and mark had to be the ones to get it out because i just couldn't even handle the fact of what it was. i'm so angry. kevin's mother claims to not have seen it but i know it wasn't there when i dropped her off thurs afternoon. so now i could have potentially let this tick sit on her and give her lime disease, and she's not even 3 months old yet. what the hell is wrong with me. and what the hell is wrong with kevin. i hate that he smokes when she's there. i hate that his hands are ALWAYS DIRTY. i hate that they can't notice small things about her. i had to tell them about her beauty mark on her leg...they change her...they should have seen it on their own. i hate that i have to bring her over there...they have WAY too many cats. i hate that i am so miserable most of the time. i hate that i have completely lost myself. there is a plan for july 9th to go out to a club to celebrate Elainas bday...who knows if i even know how to have fun anymore. i'm so self conscious about my body and hate myself everytime i look in the mirror. i hate that nothing is ever easy. i hate never having money. i hate that no one ever understands. i hate that i always feel like i'm burdening people...especially my mother. i hate that i really dont' think she understands how much i appreciate her. i hate that i have to live here. i hate that i don't have my own space. i hate that i feel trapped. i hate that i love her so much but feel like thats not enough...that i'm not doing enough for her...that i'll never be able to do enough for her. i hate that i miss out on things...or think i miss out on things. i hate that i'm not fun. i hate that i've lost myself...or what i used to be. i hate that i have accepted less than i haven't. i hate that i can't change this. i hate that i hate. i hate that i can't do more. i hate that there is more. i hate that i feel like i'm just never going to be enough of anything. i hate being poor. i hate feeling like none of this will ever go away. i hate that i feel like a burden. i hate that i hate myself sometimes. i hate that this is how i feel...
i'm tired of this being how i feel.