Help.
I honestly cant deal with my life. I feel sick to my stomache and I feel like such a complete fucking dick. I told dad about my situation and that I would have never done half of the things ive done in recents weeks if that big life changing experiance never occured. He told me that im not ok, this whole time I thought I was handling things fine and im not. who was I kidding? im not ok, im not even close to being ok. ive been putting on an amazing front for everyone. Ive been letting everything build up inside of me and my mind has become so clouded. dad said that all we are right now are vegetables. I am a vegetable, i say and do things and not think about them until after I do them. I dont think, I cant think, I'm mean. It takes a lot for me to lash out on people and ive been doing it with ease. i dont like the person that ive become. this isnt me. i regret so much that ive done but i cant take it all back. i cant fix things, they are what they are and i cant turn back the time. No one gets it, no one gets me, no one cares to know whats going on in my head because alot of people would rather not talk about it because they dont know what to say. instead ive turned into a huge cunt thats trying to make everyone feel sorry for me and soon im going to be the one holding my mom over everyones heads for sympathy, which is why i rarely bring her up.
i dont know what to do. i dont want to cry in front of people but i dont want everyone to think im ok. theres a reason why ive been acting horribly towards people but there wouldnt appear to be a reason because i act like i always do. im not ok. im fucking miserable. i wish more and more and more that i just had what she had, to let her be ok instead. she was a much better person that i am. im such a fuck up and i think people need to stay away from me for their own good. i dont want to hurt anyone but thats all i do. this is all too much for me. i cant grieve because im too busy doing stupid things and putting the pain of missing her in the back of my head. i have a lot guilt building up inside of me and appologize for being part of the peoples lives that have to put up with my shit.
i dont know what to do. i dont want to cry in front of people but i dont want everyone to think im ok. theres a reason why ive been acting horribly towards people but there wouldnt appear to be a reason because i act like i always do. im not ok. im fucking miserable. i wish more and more and more that i just had what she had, to let her be ok instead. she was a much better person that i am. im such a fuck up and i think people need to stay away from me for their own good. i dont want to hurt anyone but thats all i do. this is all too much for me. i cant grieve because im too busy doing stupid things and putting the pain of missing her in the back of my head. i have a lot guilt building up inside of me and appologize for being part of the peoples lives that have to put up with my shit.