I wish I was doing something fun
I dont understand why I still cant grieve properly. Its been exactly two weeks to the day that shes been gone and ive barely cried. In a way I suppose that deep down I still think she'll come home, either that or I subconciously feel as though its pointless to cry because I can cry all I want and at the end of the day it wont bring her back.
A lot is missing in this new life of mine. I feel like everyone assumes im ok, like I have no problems. I do a very a good job at pretending im alright when I'm far from it, ive always hated the idea of being a burden on my loved ones. I dont want anyone to think theres anything wrong with me but I dont want everyone to think im perfectly alright too.
Ive been doing a good job at not being home at night, ive managed to find something to do every single night since that dreaded day but it stopped on monday night and its just me and dad right now. He cries the most out of anyone, I dont comfort him when he cries, I lock myself in my room until he stops. I dont know what to do or say to make him feel better, I also dont like to be reminded of what happened. As long as everyone acts normal it all goes away for me. Thats my problem, I pretened like nothing ever happened. Sometimes I still pretened that shes just in the hospital. I have a huge problem with making jokes and laughing things off, I was fucking making jokes at her funeral and wake...how the fuck else am I suppose to react to seeing MY mom laying in a coffin. My worst fear was to see my parents dead in a coffin and instead of crying like a little girl im fucking laughing and joking around with people like the lunatic I am. I feel like theres something wrong with me because of my way of coping in tough situations.
Last night while I was driving to my first class, I was listening to Elliott Smith once again and 'Alphabet Town' came on. Now that was when I wanted to start crying. That song will forever hold strong significance to me.
The day of the funeral we first met up at the funeral home for final goodbyes. It finally came down to Me, brieanne, brooke and dad being left alone with her. Brooke and Brie were crying hard and hugging eachother, dad was telling mom that he always loved her and I was standing there off to side alone. I felt like I was in a movie, a movie I didnt want to be in. We finally made our way out to the limo and I sat by brooke and brie and dad were in the front seat. Thats when alphabet town came on my ipod. While listening to it, I watched them carry her coffin out and place it into the hearse in front of us. finally the hearse, limo, and a long, long line of cars made there way out of the funeral home parking lot and out onto the road. The music fit perfect to the situation for some reason. There were alot of pretty fields we drove by, we were on the road were my parents shared their first kiss and everything seem to have a significant meaning. The funeral was boring. dad me and sisters had to unwrap this holy cloth thing over moms coffin in front of the whole church and brie and brooke were crying again and i just stood there feeling nothing at all. fucking nothing. I have a difficult time feeling anything about this whole thing and quite honestly, I hope I always feel this way. I hope I never wake up from this
also, shes dumb for thinking guys didnt notice her...
A lot is missing in this new life of mine. I feel like everyone assumes im ok, like I have no problems. I do a very a good job at pretending im alright when I'm far from it, ive always hated the idea of being a burden on my loved ones. I dont want anyone to think theres anything wrong with me but I dont want everyone to think im perfectly alright too.
Ive been doing a good job at not being home at night, ive managed to find something to do every single night since that dreaded day but it stopped on monday night and its just me and dad right now. He cries the most out of anyone, I dont comfort him when he cries, I lock myself in my room until he stops. I dont know what to do or say to make him feel better, I also dont like to be reminded of what happened. As long as everyone acts normal it all goes away for me. Thats my problem, I pretened like nothing ever happened. Sometimes I still pretened that shes just in the hospital. I have a huge problem with making jokes and laughing things off, I was fucking making jokes at her funeral and wake...how the fuck else am I suppose to react to seeing MY mom laying in a coffin. My worst fear was to see my parents dead in a coffin and instead of crying like a little girl im fucking laughing and joking around with people like the lunatic I am. I feel like theres something wrong with me because of my way of coping in tough situations.
Last night while I was driving to my first class, I was listening to Elliott Smith once again and 'Alphabet Town' came on. Now that was when I wanted to start crying. That song will forever hold strong significance to me.
The day of the funeral we first met up at the funeral home for final goodbyes. It finally came down to Me, brieanne, brooke and dad being left alone with her. Brooke and Brie were crying hard and hugging eachother, dad was telling mom that he always loved her and I was standing there off to side alone. I felt like I was in a movie, a movie I didnt want to be in. We finally made our way out to the limo and I sat by brooke and brie and dad were in the front seat. Thats when alphabet town came on my ipod. While listening to it, I watched them carry her coffin out and place it into the hearse in front of us. finally the hearse, limo, and a long, long line of cars made there way out of the funeral home parking lot and out onto the road. The music fit perfect to the situation for some reason. There were alot of pretty fields we drove by, we were on the road were my parents shared their first kiss and everything seem to have a significant meaning. The funeral was boring. dad me and sisters had to unwrap this holy cloth thing over moms coffin in front of the whole church and brie and brooke were crying again and i just stood there feeling nothing at all. fucking nothing. I have a difficult time feeling anything about this whole thing and quite honestly, I hope I always feel this way. I hope I never wake up from this
also, shes dumb for thinking guys didnt notice her...