changes
Mom finally came home yesterday after a month of being in the hospital. I heard oxygen coming from her bedroom when I came home from class last night and I knew she was finally here. It was almost like the feeling of a newborn being brought home for the first time, I was excited. I went into my parents room and called out 'mom?' she was confused and didnt really know what was going on because of the medication and at that moment I rememebered when everyone said 'your life isnt going to be the same even when she does come back' because its not and I dont think it ever will be.
Theres no comfort. at all. I cant sleep in anymore, I have to be up at 6 when she gets up so I can help her, at least on the days when dad has to go to work. I feel like if she was left alone with me I could some how accidently break her. I want so badly to go back in time, when everything was just the way I knew it, when everything was boring but comfortable. I guess in a lot of ways I asked for it, Ive always complained about how my life was dull and lacking and then this happened. I never once specifically wished my life would change for the better, all I wished for was CHANGE and I finally got it and its not a good one. I dont know what to do in my house, I cleaned but I feel like its not enough. She had an accident and ive been scared to death that I would have to be involved in taking care of that sort of thing but dad said that he took on that role when he married her and its him that has to take care of those situations, which Im greatful for. She looks bad, she doent look like my mom. I feel extrememely cold hearted for just wanting her to go back the hosptial where they can take care of her, im afraid she wont last here, im afraid I wont last here.
For the past few days I keep finding 'lucky' signs like lady bugs and pennies but maybe these are just things ive never taken much notice too, maybe im just wishing so hard for something that I dont think could even happen because in the end, im too realistic for dreams and silly miracles. Things like that dont happen to me because I was never lucky in the first place
Theres no comfort. at all. I cant sleep in anymore, I have to be up at 6 when she gets up so I can help her, at least on the days when dad has to go to work. I feel like if she was left alone with me I could some how accidently break her. I want so badly to go back in time, when everything was just the way I knew it, when everything was boring but comfortable. I guess in a lot of ways I asked for it, Ive always complained about how my life was dull and lacking and then this happened. I never once specifically wished my life would change for the better, all I wished for was CHANGE and I finally got it and its not a good one. I dont know what to do in my house, I cleaned but I feel like its not enough. She had an accident and ive been scared to death that I would have to be involved in taking care of that sort of thing but dad said that he took on that role when he married her and its him that has to take care of those situations, which Im greatful for. She looks bad, she doent look like my mom. I feel extrememely cold hearted for just wanting her to go back the hosptial where they can take care of her, im afraid she wont last here, im afraid I wont last here.
For the past few days I keep finding 'lucky' signs like lady bugs and pennies but maybe these are just things ive never taken much notice too, maybe im just wishing so hard for something that I dont think could even happen because in the end, im too realistic for dreams and silly miracles. Things like that dont happen to me because I was never lucky in the first place