(no subject)
The past few weeks have been extremely strange and a bit difficult for me. New semester, new start with school and I feel like im not giving it my all, as I wish I could. Theres a lot going on with my family life right now and I feel like it keeps getting a little harder instead of a little better.
The whole thing with my mom is still a mystery. There is something very wrong with her but the doctors at Lahey clinic havent produced any answers for us yet. My mom looks like death, she hasnt gotten dressed in days, she doesnt really eat anything. We have to do everything for her. Theres something wrong with basically all of her major organs. they found 'smut' on her lungs. There was talk about bringing her to mass general if lahey doesnt come up with anything soon.
Im still not aware of the seriousness behind of all of this. Some people may know that my way of coping in difficult situations is laughing or joking about the situation or acting as though it doesnt even exist, which is what im doing right now. Dad hung out with uncle kurt for a lot of the day and they came back to my house where donna was already there. My dad was really happy and kept telling us how hes had such a great day-he was drunk. He hasnt gotten drunk in a long fucking time and it was working well for him. Brooke has been grounded and decided to bring it up to dad because there was company and the two eventually disapeared down the hall. We all began to hear dad crying and donna and kurt decided to leave. Brooke brought me into the bathroom to explain how he was crying the hardest shed ever seen anyone cry because she told him that she doesnt feel like hes been paying much attention to us after he told her hes been trying his hardest with mom.
I went into my parents room where they were on their bed and went to give dad a hug when he started crying harder. It was very awkward watching my dad have a mental breakdown. I know hes had them, but ive never seen it. My whole family except for brie were literally just gathered around my dad, silent, not knowing what to do or say. He kept repeating 'no no no your not suppose to see my cry, you dont understand, your suppose to look up to me' over and over and over. I kept telling him how its ok to cry but he woudlnt have it. He was still drunk which was making it worse but he just kept freaking me out. He started talking about how hes gotten closer to mom in the past week and how shes the love of his life and how this was how it was always suppose to be and I really couldnt come up with anything to say. He kept curling into a ball saying that hes afraid hes going to lose her. Everyone keeps implying to me that I have to be there even more for her because she could die. All ive been hearing for the past two weeks is that if this didnt happen, shed die, if she didnt go the hostiptal she would have died, if you dont get the mail, brittany, and make mom go out, she could die. I feel as though this could soon build up and take its toll on me.
I have this really weird feeling in my stomache. not exactly of fear, but I have never felt like this before. Everything feels different in a non comfortable way.
I want to be on an empty beach some where, where its warm and the sun is beggining to go down where I dont have one worry in the world. I want to lay in a big open field, where I dont mind the dry grass on my skin, where you can hear nothing but birds chirping and the wind rustling leaves on nearby trees. and then nothing, only simplicity.
I want comfort, I want to feel the exact defintion of happiness and comfort and warmth.
The whole thing with my mom is still a mystery. There is something very wrong with her but the doctors at Lahey clinic havent produced any answers for us yet. My mom looks like death, she hasnt gotten dressed in days, she doesnt really eat anything. We have to do everything for her. Theres something wrong with basically all of her major organs. they found 'smut' on her lungs. There was talk about bringing her to mass general if lahey doesnt come up with anything soon.
Im still not aware of the seriousness behind of all of this. Some people may know that my way of coping in difficult situations is laughing or joking about the situation or acting as though it doesnt even exist, which is what im doing right now. Dad hung out with uncle kurt for a lot of the day and they came back to my house where donna was already there. My dad was really happy and kept telling us how hes had such a great day-he was drunk. He hasnt gotten drunk in a long fucking time and it was working well for him. Brooke has been grounded and decided to bring it up to dad because there was company and the two eventually disapeared down the hall. We all began to hear dad crying and donna and kurt decided to leave. Brooke brought me into the bathroom to explain how he was crying the hardest shed ever seen anyone cry because she told him that she doesnt feel like hes been paying much attention to us after he told her hes been trying his hardest with mom.
I went into my parents room where they were on their bed and went to give dad a hug when he started crying harder. It was very awkward watching my dad have a mental breakdown. I know hes had them, but ive never seen it. My whole family except for brie were literally just gathered around my dad, silent, not knowing what to do or say. He kept repeating 'no no no your not suppose to see my cry, you dont understand, your suppose to look up to me' over and over and over. I kept telling him how its ok to cry but he woudlnt have it. He was still drunk which was making it worse but he just kept freaking me out. He started talking about how hes gotten closer to mom in the past week and how shes the love of his life and how this was how it was always suppose to be and I really couldnt come up with anything to say. He kept curling into a ball saying that hes afraid hes going to lose her. Everyone keeps implying to me that I have to be there even more for her because she could die. All ive been hearing for the past two weeks is that if this didnt happen, shed die, if she didnt go the hostiptal she would have died, if you dont get the mail, brittany, and make mom go out, she could die. I feel as though this could soon build up and take its toll on me.
I have this really weird feeling in my stomache. not exactly of fear, but I have never felt like this before. Everything feels different in a non comfortable way.
I want to be on an empty beach some where, where its warm and the sun is beggining to go down where I dont have one worry in the world. I want to lay in a big open field, where I dont mind the dry grass on my skin, where you can hear nothing but birds chirping and the wind rustling leaves on nearby trees. and then nothing, only simplicity.
I want comfort, I want to feel the exact defintion of happiness and comfort and warmth.