Repeat on my iPod
Still i find myself looking inward. There is a reason why you never get over your first favorite band. And mine (No Doubt...still currant fave band FYI) will always have a place in my iPod. To me, No Doubts breakout album Tragic Kingdom defines more than just an era of my life but it echoes my life in it entirety thus far. The song "The Climb" channels the times when i was down. The track "Tragic Kingdom" brings me to a few productions i have been apart of and also fondly reminds me of my second home: Disneyland. "Spiderwebs" reveals my fascination with voice mails (both getting them and making some). But right now i find that "Don't Speak" has pinpointed my life to a tee.
Never before has this song spoken to me like it does now. I never wanted to walk away from my best friend but i felt it was best. I keep telling myself that if he wants me in his life than he will call/email/text me. But then reality sets in. Who i was has left a lasting impression on him and tragically that is my downfall. Why could i not just be myself? He didn't need an older brother... he needed a friend... a best friend. I got so carried away with doing the right thing that i did the wrong thing. These days are bittersweet. I am a better person to myself these days. I no longer try to control thing i have no power over. Yeah, all in all it is a good life i lead. But in the back of my mind i cant help but feel like he would be proud of me. Finally, i am doing things for myself. I am chasing my dreams. I smile again. He would have loved to see this victory. To be honest, it is in part thanks to him.
I tell myself that he would like me these days. Well, that is if he doesn't judge me too badly for somethings these past weeks that i have done that are not like the Gavin he once knew... but to be honest... i did them because it was what i wanted to do. Sometimes you fight cravings so badly that you have to give into them. They are there for a reason. There is no point in fighting what you feel... satisfy your urges and let it out. We each have out own lives... and we suffer the consequences of them alone. I could look back and feel like i wasted my life resisting what it is that i felt but god... what a sad way to live that would be. Nowadays i feel like the past is just that... THE PAST. I live for the moment. All my theater training has preached that... and now i live by it.
But still there is that bitterness... I lost a friend. A good man. Who cared a great deal about me. But in the process... i gained myself. The door will always be open to him. That is the most i can do. Until then, I have this good old sounding board to let out how i feel inside. I dont wanna be all sad and mopey everyday. But i dont want to keep all this couped up inside me. Hence why i let go... I gave him his space... and i am doing what i need to... Don't Speak...
Aint it funny how life comes full circle on you like that
-Gavin
Never before has this song spoken to me like it does now. I never wanted to walk away from my best friend but i felt it was best. I keep telling myself that if he wants me in his life than he will call/email/text me. But then reality sets in. Who i was has left a lasting impression on him and tragically that is my downfall. Why could i not just be myself? He didn't need an older brother... he needed a friend... a best friend. I got so carried away with doing the right thing that i did the wrong thing. These days are bittersweet. I am a better person to myself these days. I no longer try to control thing i have no power over. Yeah, all in all it is a good life i lead. But in the back of my mind i cant help but feel like he would be proud of me. Finally, i am doing things for myself. I am chasing my dreams. I smile again. He would have loved to see this victory. To be honest, it is in part thanks to him.
I tell myself that he would like me these days. Well, that is if he doesn't judge me too badly for somethings these past weeks that i have done that are not like the Gavin he once knew... but to be honest... i did them because it was what i wanted to do. Sometimes you fight cravings so badly that you have to give into them. They are there for a reason. There is no point in fighting what you feel... satisfy your urges and let it out. We each have out own lives... and we suffer the consequences of them alone. I could look back and feel like i wasted my life resisting what it is that i felt but god... what a sad way to live that would be. Nowadays i feel like the past is just that... THE PAST. I live for the moment. All my theater training has preached that... and now i live by it.
But still there is that bitterness... I lost a friend. A good man. Who cared a great deal about me. But in the process... i gained myself. The door will always be open to him. That is the most i can do. Until then, I have this good old sounding board to let out how i feel inside. I dont wanna be all sad and mopey everyday. But i dont want to keep all this couped up inside me. Hence why i let go... I gave him his space... and i am doing what i need to... Don't Speak...
Aint it funny how life comes full circle on you like that
-Gavin