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~THE LIGHTNING POST~
7th edition, May 9th, y20348
A marriage proposal to remember
In a display that many patrons of the Stellar Host Club deemed "shocking" and agreed "will haunt my nightmares for eons to come" Guy Cecil, Duke of Auldrant, proposed to his long-time gorilla Tae Shimura. With a series of grunts culminating in an act considered illegal in twelve star systems, she immediately accepted and proceeded to consummate.
The two are planned to wed "as soon as physically possible" according to Miss Shimura. Mr. Cecil could not be reached for comment, presumably because he is tied and gagged in her room.
Loud-mouthed thief continues to elude authorities
Shops aboard the SS Thor have been plagued by a mysterious thief for the past several months. Despite several sightings, the female humanoid remains uncaught. "I don't understand it," said one proprietor. "I saw her there, plain as the trunk on my face, and she made a rude gesture and ran off. How can they not catch her?" Several merchants have allied to bring suit against the SS Thor, complaining of police incompetence.
Private flower-viewing garden open to public!
You might say you don't like flowers, but if you attended the Flower-Viewing Festival in late April, then your mind was bound to have been changed.
The festival, hosted by the gardener Youmu, was welcomed by countless refugees seeking some relaxation from their normal day to day schedule. The festival included food, drinks, dancing, sparklers, and of course, flowers. The festival was a brilliant display, symbolizing the coming of, well what was supposed to be Spring. At the end, Youmu allowed visitors to gaze upon the main attraction. That attraction being a giant sakura tree.
Youmu has stated that now the garden is open to the public. Fighting is prohibited, and that she will enforce that. But, well we'll just see how it works out.
Women's toilet fused shut
Janitorial robot XT-047 suffered a malfunction this month; he was found circling a particular bathroom, endlessly repeating that same demands. Upon investigation, it appears that his logic circuits melted down when confronted with an unexpectedly fused toilet, though no one could explain why this triggered a sudden obsession with the perfect cup of tea.
The prankster involved has yet to be caught.
Radio station hijacked
Thor residents were once again subjected to the horrible tastes of the refugees when two unnamed vandals broke into a shipwide radio station and played what they described as "music" for several hours, despite numerous complaints. "I've never heard such caterwauling in my life," said one longtime listener. "At first, I thought it was some sort of emergency siren, but it went on and on and on."
A letter to the editor suggested that, if this sort of thing is to continue, all refugees should be required to attend classes in Galactic Musical Theory.
The station highjackers remain at large.
Over 150 maintenance workers lost in tragic engine incident
Tragedy ensued after our latest jump, when a number of workers found themselves suddenly transformed. So many of the newly small and winged workers were sucked into the engines that one witness described it as "a massacre." "It looked as though the engines were deliberately eating them," a traumatized junior engineer testified. "It had teeth and I swear it said, 'Om nom nom' as it sucked them in!'" The engineer in question has been relieved of duty pending a psychiatric evaluation.
Magrathea a Scam!
In what can only be described as a bountiful bonanza of boundless backstabbing, we regret to inform all passengers on the S.S. Thor that our docking at what we were led to believe was the planet-sized factory of Magrathea has, in fact, been a hoax. We assure you that the captains and crew had absolutely no prior knowledge to this atrocity.
Sources tell us that the real Magrathea may very well be out there still! Perhaps hiding behind the Ass's Head Nebula, or underneath a blanket of space dust. Maybe carried off by the dreaded Undead Universal Underwing Moth. Your captains, however, promise to do their best in getting refugees to the correct planet! Cross our double hearts!
HELP WANTED
Maintenance
x) The SS Thor needs door repair technicians - Slots: [2] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The SS Thor needs janitors to clean the holoroom - Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The SS Thor needs floor polishers - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The SS Thor needs paperwork shredders - Slots: [2] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The SS Thor needs carpet cleaners - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The SS Thor needs engine technicians to clear feathers from the engines - Slots: [6] Pay: [College Degree]
Delivery
x) StarMoo Dairy needs milkmen/women - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) SS Thor Post needs mailmen/women - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) SS Thor Post needs mailroom sorters - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The Lightning Post needs delivery boys (open to all genders) - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
Culinary/Foodservice
x) Ace of Cupcakes Bakery needs cake designers - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Grandma Syzzlak's Candy needs taffy pullers - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Octoballs Takoyaki needs chefs to run takoyaki booths - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) StarMoo Dairy needs cheese makers - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Moe Moe Maid Cafe requires adorable maid-tans to socialize with customers - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Starbucks needs baristas - slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Lucille's Rib Shack needs barbequers - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Two Elephants needs waitstaff - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Syd Jacqarl, the psychic chef, needs assistants - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Sales/Retail
x) Happy 99 Mart needs baggers - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Happy 99 Mart needs aisle inspectors - Slots: [2] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Happy 99 Mart needs butchers - Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) That's What She Said needs joke and gag gift salespeople - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) 7-11 needs night-time clerks - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Muumuu Madness needs sales clerks - slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) PetsHop needs bunny snugglers - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Foot Fetish Quality Shoes needs salespeople. - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Ginshue Quality Cookware needs demonstrators - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Pufftystuff Toyshop needs stuffed animal sales reps - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Health and Safety
x) Srrrshick Sanitation needs garbage chute cleaners - Slots: [2] Pay: [Minimum]
x) SS Thor Crime Enforcement needs Crime Scene Investigators - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Gryffwarsz's Gym needs weightlifters - Slots: [2] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Gryffwarsz's Gym needs personal trainers - Slots: [2] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) St. Xlakkyr XVII Memorial Hospital needs CEOs. ("CEO" is open to interpretation; some suggestions include: Curative Erection Operative, Cultivating Erect Organs, etc. Be creative!) Slots: [3] Pay: [CEO level]
Culture and Couture
x) Your Perfect Day Weddings needs wedding coordinators - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Your Perfect Day Weddings needs floral designers - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Your Perfect Day Weddings needs seamstresses/tailors - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Massaji Massaji needs massage therapists - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The Vogons needs copy-editors for their poetry. Slots: [3] Pay: [College Degree]
Education
x) The S.S. Thor needs students. Slots: [unlimited] Pay: [Minimum] [***SPECIAL****]
x) The S.S. Thor needs Day-Care Sitters. Slots: [5] [Pay: Minimum]
x) The S.S. Thor needs teachers. Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Seen Library needs librarians. Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The S.S. Thor needs music teachers - Slots: [2] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Anger Management instructors needed - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
Entertainment
x) Kaijuu Films needs wranglers for their giant movie monsters - Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Kaijuu Films needs special effects technicians - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Kaijuu Films needs bad actors - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Good Morning SS Thor needs providers of witty banter Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Pimp My Bunk needs TV handymen to fix up rooms - Slots: [2] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Club Hakahaka needs go-go dancers - Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The Green Jerkels Foozball team needs cheerleaders (pom poms provided) - slots: [4] Pay [Minimum]
x) It's In the Stars magazine needs astrologers - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Shadowlore Interstellar Hitchhiker's Carnival needs ticket sellers. - Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Shadowlore Interstellar Hitchhiker's Carnival needs barkers - Slots: [3] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Shadowlore Interstellar Hitchhiker's Carnival needs ride operators. - Slots: [3] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The Snow Globe needs stunt doubles - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The Snow Globe needs promotions administrators - Slots: [2] Pay: [College Degree]
x) The Snow Globe needs advertising executives - Slots: [3] Pay: [CEO level]
Sciences, Research, and Testing
x) Red Dragon Fireworks needs fireworks technicians - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Red Dragon Fireworks needs chemists - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Polzfrik's Farms needs beekeepers and honey collectors - Slots: [4] Pay: [Minimum]
x) La-Z-Boy needs testers for new reclining chair prototypes - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) E-Z-Bake needs testers for adorable children's cooking appliances - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Bugeyed Chicken Labs needs cartoon viewers - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Happy Family Clinic needs surrogate mothers for baby Cthulhu - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Prescott Pharmaceuticals needs health supplement testers - Slots: [5] Pay: [Minimum]
x) Chiss Technology needs administrative assistants. - Slots: [4] Pay: [College Degree]
Miscellaneous
x) Sarlblech the Fat is seeking eavesdroppers for hire - Slots: [2] Pay: [College Degree]
x) Ghostbusters! needs ghost busting experts - Slots: [4] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Flame On Fireplaces needs chimney sweeps - Slots: [6] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) The SS Thor needs play-doh snake makers - Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The SS Thor needs hula hoop technicians - Slots: [6] Pay: [Minimum]
x) The new Kissing Booth in the Recreation Area needs Hot Kissers - Slots: [5] Pay: [Somewhat Decent]
x) Legal Illegal LTD is looking for regional managers - slots: [2] Pay: [CEO level]
Note: The missions will be posted on every floor of the S.S. Thor and can also be found in the Lightning Post for those already subscribing, as well as on the network. Unless otherwise stated it's first come first serve, so just reply to the right comment below and you'll get it! However, to make sure everyone has a chance to get a mission, you have to wait until Friday before you can apply for a second one.
To see what the requirements are for applying for Somewhat Decent, College Degree, and CEO level Wages, go here, and make sure you comment if you want the promotion!
Each mission lasts a month, and the paycheck will be handed out after the mission has been completed.
Replies will be in character. Please wait until all the jobs have been listed before commenting. Start a new thread for any OOC questions. And keep the spam to a minimum~