Skype Faith Poison
Skype is a wonderful invention, and i want to acclaim the esteemed entity on the planet that invented it. It allows me to speak with and see Anna on my computer screen and its very comforting.
And yet that comfort is disconcerting at times. We're probably having longer conversations now than we did when we were together, and thats really sweet. She unknowingly struck me yesterday though with a wrecking ball of sentimentality. She informed me she had collated her photos of the last 6 months, had invested in a leather bound photo album, to remind her "just how beautiful the last 6 months had been". My immediate response was to fill up like a big girly person. Those tears were 50% gratitude and 50% disappointment. Its great to hear that you affected a persons life in such a positive way, but its equally potent to wonder why she wanted to end it if it was so great. It felt like finality too.
Still, on the whole i took that aspect of the conversation as a positive, and i feel very much more able to cope with life knowing that Anna is still a significant part of it, albeit she is a friend and not the woman who warmed her cold feet on me in bed anymore.
I have to have an internal wry smile at myself when i think of God. I'm still pissed with the Big Guy for sure, but my decision to forsake my vegetarian ways to show my anger is very much akin to the baby throwing the rattle out of the pram. Or in my case the carrot. Deep deep down of course i still believe, there's that foundation of belief in me that God is just, and things really do happen for a reason, no matter how unjust they seem on the surface. But what i'm still pissed about is the feeling of being ignored. I dont see how God can/why/should ignore heartfelt prayers for help, signs and guidance. By all means treat a prayer for a lottery win or a new car with disdain, but to ignore a soul that prays for help and wants to forge a connection with him is truly, truly beyond me. So once again i indulge in the delights of KFC, steak, bacon and other products of animal slaughter. Yeah, take that big guy.
The thought of going to work tomorrow creeps up on me like a malevolent slug. Slowly, yet with a determination that belies its speed, reaches its destination of 2.30pm on Sunday. Hope remains that the job situation will be changing shortly. I may be going back to my previous place of work, i received a call from another place that i applied for a job for, and i eagerly await a response from Sandwell Council regarding the application i made there too.
I have light at the end of the tunnel, and that too is a comfort.
I've made the mistake of daytime drinking again today and further rejoice in the fact that my body has been further poisoned by greasy chicken too. Not feeling great, and i'm due to go out tonight. In truth i'd rather stay in and veg out here tonight but i've said i'll go now, so go i must. fingers crossed for a good night.
And yet that comfort is disconcerting at times. We're probably having longer conversations now than we did when we were together, and thats really sweet. She unknowingly struck me yesterday though with a wrecking ball of sentimentality. She informed me she had collated her photos of the last 6 months, had invested in a leather bound photo album, to remind her "just how beautiful the last 6 months had been". My immediate response was to fill up like a big girly person. Those tears were 50% gratitude and 50% disappointment. Its great to hear that you affected a persons life in such a positive way, but its equally potent to wonder why she wanted to end it if it was so great. It felt like finality too.
Still, on the whole i took that aspect of the conversation as a positive, and i feel very much more able to cope with life knowing that Anna is still a significant part of it, albeit she is a friend and not the woman who warmed her cold feet on me in bed anymore.
I have to have an internal wry smile at myself when i think of God. I'm still pissed with the Big Guy for sure, but my decision to forsake my vegetarian ways to show my anger is very much akin to the baby throwing the rattle out of the pram. Or in my case the carrot. Deep deep down of course i still believe, there's that foundation of belief in me that God is just, and things really do happen for a reason, no matter how unjust they seem on the surface. But what i'm still pissed about is the feeling of being ignored. I dont see how God can/why/should ignore heartfelt prayers for help, signs and guidance. By all means treat a prayer for a lottery win or a new car with disdain, but to ignore a soul that prays for help and wants to forge a connection with him is truly, truly beyond me. So once again i indulge in the delights of KFC, steak, bacon and other products of animal slaughter. Yeah, take that big guy.
The thought of going to work tomorrow creeps up on me like a malevolent slug. Slowly, yet with a determination that belies its speed, reaches its destination of 2.30pm on Sunday. Hope remains that the job situation will be changing shortly. I may be going back to my previous place of work, i received a call from another place that i applied for a job for, and i eagerly await a response from Sandwell Council regarding the application i made there too.
I have light at the end of the tunnel, and that too is a comfort.
I've made the mistake of daytime drinking again today and further rejoice in the fact that my body has been further poisoned by greasy chicken too. Not feeling great, and i'm due to go out tonight. In truth i'd rather stay in and veg out here tonight but i've said i'll go now, so go i must. fingers crossed for a good night.