Long Ramble [dont bother reading]
Aw puttersmit. I had to miss a Jason Mraz concert because i had to work. He didnt perform until 8 and i got off at 8 but my boss made me close the store because someone was getting married and they needed help. >:P Good news is that guy that i have been writting about for the last couple of i donno weeks, we are going out now. :D Way to start a relationship at the end of the school year. I hope this doesnt create friction between me and his old girl. I think me and her could actually be good friends if we sat down and actually talked to each other. Oh and i just discovered that one of my friends is a flippin genius. He made almost perfect scores on all his standardized tests and hes going for the Act next. (Great now i have to try and beat his score.) But yeah, last week i was seriously thinking about either running away or killing myself. I wasn't planning it or anything or even tryed anything close to it, i was just thinking about it. It seemed like with every thought it would end with some sort of senerio of me comiting suicide. Like how would my family react, how would my friends react, would anyone even care. If i ran away would i be on the news like Natalie Halloway? Stuff like that. I donno i guess i was just down because i keep getting yelled at at work adn heard people get fired pretty quick around there. And i was loosing so many friends and discovering that some of my friends didn't really consider me a friend at all. And hidding in my room when ever my Ma came home, when ever im around her it seems to have a negative outcome. And a ton of other stuff thats to hard to explain. Its like my greatest fear is there being an outbreak of zombies like resident evil or 28 days later (the most accurate picture of if zombies broke out). The reason im so afraid of that is because there is no way out and your forced to keep trying over and over again and running out of back doors to survival. All my nightmares are like that to. When i was little i would have a nightmare every night. Back then it was little stuff like dinosaurs breaking into my house. But i was the one who had to wake and save my entire family without getting killed. everything rested on me and all alternatives lead to another problem. If i carried my little sis and bro and ran in between the dinosaur's legs he would just smack me with his tail and a swarm of dinosaurs would try and eat us. Now i had to pick my pick my siblings up and jump on furniture to stay alive but then a raptor would be waiting in the kitchen. I would be an endless cycle of trying until i just ran out of options and had nowhere to run. Something like that makes you wonder if it would have been better if the raptor just ate me in my sleep. Dieing with out any pain or struggle. Eventually i would just jump into the T-rex's mouth so the nightmare would end. Now im starting to think like that again. Why not just skip all the struggling. No matter if you turn left or right a dinosaur is going to be waiting in the next room. To stop thinking about stuff like that i just ignored the future and stopped thinking about what might happen and just focused on whats infront of me. A dinosaur is blocking the doorway and im holding a sword, so i stab it. Like in chess, i dont think of strategies and traps, i just move my piece to capture the other one completely ignoring the queen behind it. Im in a good place right now, how about i just ignore what i dont have or could have but i dont or who i want to be but im not or what i want to do but i dont/cant or what i want to change/fix but cant/wont or who i can help but cant/wont or what/who i can/want to say, be with, create, participate in, share, know, or feel but i cant/wont.