Slices of Life, Part III (Phases 3-4)
ALEC: “RIGHT NOW!!”
ME: “He [the Squire from The Canterbury Tales] is eeeeviillll…!” (Makes a menacing gesture)
DREW: “…What was with the vagina tickle?” (Imitates me)
(Later, as I start writing that down)
DREW: “Plagiarism, Jesse.”
SYD: “Chief [Dixon] is at the well… chasing an antelope.”
DREW: “Hey Lauren, now you get to see if you can be raped onstage.”
(LAUREN laughs)
KIM: “What?”
LAUREN: “Nothing; Drew’s comment-”
DREW: “I stuttered.”
DREW: “Hey, free second base.”
(SYD comes out from between LAUREN’s legs.)
KUNZE: “Mazletov!”
ME: (Referring to the character Harding) “What a poon!”
DREW: “-wallace.”
JAKE: (Who play[ed] Harding) “Thank you, crazy Italian.”
(I played Martini.)
DIXON: “Hey, it’s time for the blitzkrieg boob-tap!”
SYD: (To KIM) “Except I should do it a little less blitzkrieg, right?”
O’REGAN: (Nonchalantly) “LaBar? Klickstein? Shut up.”
ME: “Aww, he [JP] just threw it [the wad of paper Riker threw at him] in the recycling…”
BEATRICE: “Yeah, I thought he was gonna storm over here.”
ME: “Or galumph, as it were.”
KUNZE: (Under his breath, while AARON is giving a presentation) “Jesus, he’s so tall…”
O’REGAN: “…I tested one of those ’68-’72 Corvette roadsters with one’a those big block engines, thought I was gonna die.”
DREW: (Takes a persimmon with the leaves still on the stem out of his lunch) “My mom’s getting lazy.”
CAITLIN: “Yeah, pretty soon it’ll be, ‘Here’s the seed, plant it yourself!’”
ME: (Pulls a lever and half of the computer falls open.) “Oh, so that’s what that does.”
ME: “Mr. Ferry-rae… Ferer-ray… Fureyey… Furiaray… How do you say this name?!”
LEVI: (Comes in with a beret on) “How do you guys like the new French me?”
ME: (Deadpan) “Fag.”
KIM: (Sarcastically, to the class) “Thanks for helping Jesse [move the desk]!”
KUNZE: “But I didn’t help Jesse.”
PERMAN: “I hope he [O’Regan] doesn’t make us arrange them [the circular tables in Room 38] in rows [like he usually does with the rectangular tables].”
PERMAN: “This room [#38] reeks of hairspray [from Mrs. Labberton] and Catholicism [from Dr. Nick].”
SCOTT: “They named a super villain after you - it was called… ‘Hairy Man.’”
ME: “They also named a super hero after me. He was called - Wolverine.”
MIKE RUBY: “My favorite Mr. Goldman quote is ‘HANH!’”
RUBY: (Randomly) “Where’s Christoph, I wanna tell him he sucks.”
MRS. FOSTER: “There’s a sign for you, Aaron - ‘Urine Town.’”
SOME GUY IN A PARKING LOT ON HIS CELL: “Where you jiggers at, gimme a-thing.”
LEVI: “…Lennon was short, but Stalin was pretty tall.”
KUNZE: “Ah, he just wore big heels.”
JACKIE LAU: “Unlike the big corporations, the small corporations are small.”
KUNZE: “I don’t know if you know this, but Levi takes it in the eye.”
LEVI: "Hey--!"
KUNZE: "Hard."
SHARP: (As WYATT is searching for a stick at Joaquin Miller) “Yeah, they’re hard to find around here, aren’t they?”
SCOTT: (To O’REGAN, during class) “Where’s Santa Barbara?”
ME: “That’s where Marc Laszlo is!”
SAM: “3:30, Sam’s house - Don’t bring your pants.”
COLE: “I’m tired of all these theme parties. They’re gonna run out of ideas really soon. I think we should have a Russian party - we’ll just get someone to turn their air conditioning down to, like, twenty degrees.”
ME: (To SCOTT) “You have the best maniacal laugh ever.”
SCOTT: “The water fountain is now officially growing mold.”
SCOTT: “Isaac, don’t [give] in to peer pressure - sex with another man is not okay.”
SCOTT: (Comes in with his head completely soaked) “So, I was trying to figure out those ‘urinal things,’ or whatever…” (Uses air quotes)
CHRIS SMITH: (To me) “Next time you show me that [your ass], it’ll be my new bike rack.”
NICK: (Massaging MARKI) “Wait, Jesse, why aren’t you doing this?”
DR. MARKS: “This passage is very Germanic; [it doesn’t sound pretty]: (Read with some gagging sounds) ‘Uch foul song singeth.’ …I’m sorry, (Flowery) German is a lovely language.”
ME: “…Are you shitting me.”
LIBBY: “No. I’m serious, though.”
JEFF: (Watching The Omen) “This is the same soundtrack as Lord of the Rings, I swear.”
GRIFFOUL: (As I’m walking to the bathroom to change) “Dude, you’re behiiind schedule, c’mon!”
MR. ROUND (Substitute teacher): “Sorry if I butcher your name. ‘El-sey?’ Elyse. Sorry.”
ISAAC: (To WEBER) “You ask before you touch my nipples.”
DR. MARKS: “In college, you’re not supposed to get drunk unless you’re having a metaphysical conversation.”
ME: “Dick wad.”
LEVI: “Asshole.”
ME: “Cum dumpster!”
LEVI: “Kathy!”
(Later)
ME: (To KATHY, who went into a fit of laughter at us recounting our exchange.) “I’m really glad you can laugh so hard at yourself.”
ME: “Okay, people need to stop stapling the floor, because they [the staples] hurt [when you step on them].”
KATHY: “Maybe you need to start wearing shoes!”
ME: “But it’s hot!”
LEVI: “Hippy.”
CHRIS: “Jesse, I know you’re Japanese, but here in America, you don’t have to take your shoes off before you enter the dojo.” (Bows)
CHRIS: (In the middle of our conversation, really overreacting to me doing a double-take) “Oh my god, the light fucking turned on!”
(It hadn’t been on for a long time...)
KIM: (Misspeaking) “…That’s the end of World War I.”
SYD: “Really? That went a lot smoother than last time. When… Twelve million people died.”
COLE: “I was talking to Syd about my [Russian theme] party, and he was like, ‘Okay, no one’s air conditioning goes down to twenty degrees.’”
KUNZE: “…Jesse, are you staring at me?”
ME: “No, I’m reading the poster [behind you.] Why?”
KUNZE: “Oh. I thought we were having a mad stare-off.”
ME: “He [the Squire from The Canterbury Tales] is eeeeviillll…!” (Makes a menacing gesture)
DREW: “…What was with the vagina tickle?” (Imitates me)
(Later, as I start writing that down)
DREW: “Plagiarism, Jesse.”
SYD: “Chief [Dixon] is at the well… chasing an antelope.”
DREW: “Hey Lauren, now you get to see if you can be raped onstage.”
(LAUREN laughs)
KIM: “What?”
LAUREN: “Nothing; Drew’s comment-”
DREW: “I stuttered.”
DREW: “Hey, free second base.”
(SYD comes out from between LAUREN’s legs.)
KUNZE: “Mazletov!”
ME: (Referring to the character Harding) “What a poon!”
DREW: “-wallace.”
JAKE: (Who play[ed] Harding) “Thank you, crazy Italian.”
(I played Martini.)
DIXON: “Hey, it’s time for the blitzkrieg boob-tap!”
SYD: (To KIM) “Except I should do it a little less blitzkrieg, right?”
O’REGAN: (Nonchalantly) “LaBar? Klickstein? Shut up.”
ME: “Aww, he [JP] just threw it [the wad of paper Riker threw at him] in the recycling…”
BEATRICE: “Yeah, I thought he was gonna storm over here.”
ME: “Or galumph, as it were.”
KUNZE: (Under his breath, while AARON is giving a presentation) “Jesus, he’s so tall…”
O’REGAN: “…I tested one of those ’68-’72 Corvette roadsters with one’a those big block engines, thought I was gonna die.”
DREW: (Takes a persimmon with the leaves still on the stem out of his lunch) “My mom’s getting lazy.”
CAITLIN: “Yeah, pretty soon it’ll be, ‘Here’s the seed, plant it yourself!’”
ME: (Pulls a lever and half of the computer falls open.) “Oh, so that’s what that does.”
ME: “Mr. Ferry-rae… Ferer-ray… Fureyey… Furiaray… How do you say this name?!”
LEVI: (Comes in with a beret on) “How do you guys like the new French me?”
ME: (Deadpan) “Fag.”
KIM: (Sarcastically, to the class) “Thanks for helping Jesse [move the desk]!”
KUNZE: “But I didn’t help Jesse.”
PERMAN: “I hope he [O’Regan] doesn’t make us arrange them [the circular tables in Room 38] in rows [like he usually does with the rectangular tables].”
PERMAN: “This room [#38] reeks of hairspray [from Mrs. Labberton] and Catholicism [from Dr. Nick].”
SCOTT: “They named a super villain after you - it was called… ‘Hairy Man.’”
ME: “They also named a super hero after me. He was called - Wolverine.”
MIKE RUBY: “My favorite Mr. Goldman quote is ‘HANH!’”
RUBY: (Randomly) “Where’s Christoph, I wanna tell him he sucks.”
MRS. FOSTER: “There’s a sign for you, Aaron - ‘Urine Town.’”
SOME GUY IN A PARKING LOT ON HIS CELL: “Where you jiggers at, gimme a-thing.”
LEVI: “…Lennon was short, but Stalin was pretty tall.”
KUNZE: “Ah, he just wore big heels.”
JACKIE LAU: “Unlike the big corporations, the small corporations are small.”
KUNZE: “I don’t know if you know this, but Levi takes it in the eye.”
LEVI: "Hey--!"
KUNZE: "Hard."
SHARP: (As WYATT is searching for a stick at Joaquin Miller) “Yeah, they’re hard to find around here, aren’t they?”
SCOTT: (To O’REGAN, during class) “Where’s Santa Barbara?”
ME: “That’s where Marc Laszlo is!”
SAM: “3:30, Sam’s house - Don’t bring your pants.”
COLE: “I’m tired of all these theme parties. They’re gonna run out of ideas really soon. I think we should have a Russian party - we’ll just get someone to turn their air conditioning down to, like, twenty degrees.”
ME: (To SCOTT) “You have the best maniacal laugh ever.”
SCOTT: “The water fountain is now officially growing mold.”
SCOTT: “Isaac, don’t [give] in to peer pressure - sex with another man is not okay.”
SCOTT: (Comes in with his head completely soaked) “So, I was trying to figure out those ‘urinal things,’ or whatever…” (Uses air quotes)
CHRIS SMITH: (To me) “Next time you show me that [your ass], it’ll be my new bike rack.”
NICK: (Massaging MARKI) “Wait, Jesse, why aren’t you doing this?”
DR. MARKS: “This passage is very Germanic; [it doesn’t sound pretty]: (Read with some gagging sounds) ‘Uch foul song singeth.’ …I’m sorry, (Flowery) German is a lovely language.”
ME: “…Are you shitting me.”
LIBBY: “No. I’m serious, though.”
JEFF: (Watching The Omen) “This is the same soundtrack as Lord of the Rings, I swear.”
GRIFFOUL: (As I’m walking to the bathroom to change) “Dude, you’re behiiind schedule, c’mon!”
MR. ROUND (Substitute teacher): “Sorry if I butcher your name. ‘El-sey?’ Elyse. Sorry.”
ISAAC: (To WEBER) “You ask before you touch my nipples.”
DR. MARKS: “In college, you’re not supposed to get drunk unless you’re having a metaphysical conversation.”
ME: “Dick wad.”
LEVI: “Asshole.”
ME: “Cum dumpster!”
LEVI: “Kathy!”
(Later)
ME: (To KATHY, who went into a fit of laughter at us recounting our exchange.) “I’m really glad you can laugh so hard at yourself.”
ME: “Okay, people need to stop stapling the floor, because they [the staples] hurt [when you step on them].”
KATHY: “Maybe you need to start wearing shoes!”
ME: “But it’s hot!”
LEVI: “Hippy.”
CHRIS: “Jesse, I know you’re Japanese, but here in America, you don’t have to take your shoes off before you enter the dojo.” (Bows)
CHRIS: (In the middle of our conversation, really overreacting to me doing a double-take) “Oh my god, the light fucking turned on!”
(It hadn’t been on for a long time...)
KIM: (Misspeaking) “…That’s the end of World War I.”
SYD: “Really? That went a lot smoother than last time. When… Twelve million people died.”
COLE: “I was talking to Syd about my [Russian theme] party, and he was like, ‘Okay, no one’s air conditioning goes down to twenty degrees.’”
KUNZE: “…Jesse, are you staring at me?”
ME: “No, I’m reading the poster [behind you.] Why?”
KUNZE: “Oh. I thought we were having a mad stare-off.”