Shaken, not stirred
I'm a little shaken up from rolling last night at Brazilian jujitsu - emotionally, that is. Physically I'm fine (or at least as fine as is normal - I'm still recovering from a hyperextended toe, pinkie finger, and got my elbows tweaked a little hard last night). The part I was (am?) upset about was getting slammed a couple times by someone I normally enjoyed sparring with - great guy, very nice, usually very careful with me. Well, not last night. We were doing a variation of a pass from standing into a reverse kesa gatame. I know that's a bunch of jargon, so here's a picture of the final position:
To start this drill, one person is standing and the other is on the floor on their back. Standing person is at the feet of floor person. Floor person has their knees bent, feet on floor. Standing person leans over, grabs knees, pushes them to one side, then twists their own body to fall into the position in the picture. They come down with all their weight and fast enough that floor person can't effectively block them. The instructor showed us the move. You really need to come down hard on the other person, because that's the point of the manuever - to land on the other person and stun them. Some jokes were made that if you weren't making your partner grunt and expel air, then you weren't doing it right. We paired up to practice. The guy I was with was around 160 lbs, 20ish years old, very fit. I did it a few times. I wasn't getting the footwork right, besides I wasn't landing on him with my weight. At 125, I'm not heavy and I probably wouldn't have hurt him (much), but it seemed unnecessary, especially as I was more intent on getting the manuever right than on smashing him. It's practice, not fighting. The guy was real eager to show me how it was done, so we traded. He showed me a couple times. I was pretty unhappy about getting his shoulder to my chest and asked if there was a way to block it. What I meant was, 'I don't like this. How can I avoid ever having this done to me in a fight?' He took it differently. He said, "No, you can't really block it. If someone's doing it right, you can get your hands in there, but it won't work. Here-" and then he demonstrated, but he came down with all his weight, having probably expected me to at least slow him down. I had my hands in there somewhat, but he was right that the angles were all wrong for any effective redirect. The point of his shoulder hit my sternum, drove the air and a noise out of me, and rattled me. I think I said something like, "I didn't block that." He was encouraged and stood up, saying, "Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Try to block again! See?" and he repeated on the opposite side of me before I could object. This hurt worse. I made another noise of pain, tried to push him off, and said in a very shaken voice, "I don't want to do this anymore." At that point, he realized I was having a problem. I got myself upright and hugged my knees to me, kept my head down, and didn't say anything. I felt miserable and ashamed for being weak, for making him feel bad by the unspoken accusation that he'd hurt me, and ... I don't know. I just felt bad. I didn't want to look at anyone. I wanted to quit existing and crawl away invisibly until my chest didn't hurt and I wasn't afraid that people I had previously trusted weren't going to manhandle and hurt me.
They asked if I thought anything was broken. I said I was fine (while hunched up and not looking at anyone). The instructor got onto him for hurting me. I made a few 'it's okay' noises and patted his foot (that of the guy I'd been practicing with). We did a few more drills, but I was wary, hypercareful, and managed to avoid any exercises where he was the active party (meaning instead that I was the one doing the drill on him, and not him doing it on me).
Okay then. That's what happened. And sometimes in BJJ, you're doing a drill or rolling or whatever and someone gets hurt. It happens. It's okay. It's happened to me. That's how I got my elbow tweaked again, my pinkie finger bent back so much that it still hurts now almost a month out from the injury, and my big toe messed up enough that I thought I'd broken it, but no, I only broke the nail bed and my toenail is in the process of sloughing off. These hurt and I wasn't happy about them, but emotionally and mentally, I took them in stride. Last night's thing - I did not, and that's why I'm writing this today, so I can sort this out in my head.
About 10 months ago, we were doing mount exercises (one person is on their back on the floor and the other is sitting astraddle them, like cowgirl for sex but sitting on their abdomen or chest instead of groin). I was doing it mostly with the kids, because two of them were mine and I'm on the lighter end of weights for the class, just like the kids. The kids, though, are pretty inconsiderate of hurting others and my kids in particular were all about the opportunity to get mom down and squash her while chanting 'Hop on Pop!' from a popular children's book. Some of this was fun, but my daughter figured out she could bring her entire 50 pounds down on my ribcage and get quite the pain response from me. Hilarious (to her, not me). I told her several times to stop. It was still almost too funny for her to keep from doing it, so I quit doing the exercise with her. My son, though, had either been watching or had the same idea, because when I asked him to do the drill with me, he sat on me the same way (dropped on me, more like) and instead of 50 pounds, he was more like 85-90 at that point. It broke/tore/damaged/whatever the cartilage that holds my ribs together and I barely got him off of me. It also drove the wind out of me, hurt, and left me frustrated and angry. I yelled at him not to do that again in a very rude way and refused to roll with the kids anymore. All well and good, but just a couple weeks later, one of the other kids (not one of mine) did the exact same thing and really exacerbated things. After that, I didn't want/wouldn't let anyone throw me or squash my chest. If we were rolling, I'd tap out. It took about six months to stop hurting.
I don't think my reaction is a rational response to the possibility of getting injured, although that's certainly in there. Even before the incidents with the kids, I hated being thrown or anything that jarred me that thoroughly. When I get thrown hard, I have an emotional reaction. I want to fight, I want to run away, I'm scared and angry and confused about why this person I was training with suddenly lashed out and did something like that to me, even though rationally I knew what was coming and consented to it. That's what happened last night - I knew he hadn't done anything all that wrong. Today I don't have a bruise (which isn't very telling because I don't bruise easy) or even a sore spot, but I STILL feel jangled about it. Last night, I finished up the jujitsu session, but I had a lot of moments of zoning out and intrusive thoughts (mainly of the variety: 'I hurt. I feel bad. I don't want to be here. Can I leave? How would I explain? They'd ask me why I was leaving, right? I wish he hadn't done that. He didn't do anything wrong. I don't feel good. I should be listening to class. I don't feel right. What if I just left for the bathroom and then stayed in there a lot? I'm fine. Stop focusing on it. Listen to the professor. But I don't feel good...' etc.) Driving home I was still unsettled. I was glad the kids got their dessert and went to bed, gladder still my boyfriend was in bed already and I didn't have to deal with him, manage my responses around him, or explain something that seemed indefensible and irrational to me. I slept in the guest bedroom. I was glad not to deal with him or have him (or anyone) near me. I was nervous this morning when he said he'd kept waking up last night wondering where I was, and had even gotten up to see if I was still awake, but he'd seen the closed door to the guest room, remembered, and let it be. I was tense at him saying that and tried really hard not to hear it as a warning that if I continued to not sleep in the same bed with him, that he might follow me to the other room or ask for an explanation. I told him I just wanted to be alone and miraculously didn't have to justify myself.
I did a little writing last night, too. The story (MBU) is at an emotionally wrenching point, which seemed to fit well with how I was feeling.
This morning I went to workout, which is also at the martial arts place. I felt surly and unhappy about it. I did my usual treadmill work (another mile in 8:40!), but didn't do any of the workout part. Instead, I stretched and then practiced balance on an exercise ball. When I went to the gym where I showered, **there** I put in a half hour of weight lifting. Something in my head, the part that doesn't use language, said this was okay. I could lift weights at the gym, but I didn't want to at the martial arts place. Huh. So I lifted and watched a little bit of a documentary about Bruce Lee because they have a TV in the gym.
I don't have any conclusions about this right now. Five years ago, I would have been consumed with asking myself WHY?? over and over. Now I'm trying to focus on what happened. That's something more real, something I can get a handle on. Just what happened with me, and maybe what's likely to happen with me next, as a consequence. Hopefully I can link it up with figuring out how to influence the 'next' part to get the results I want. I told the instructor last night that I wanted to work on take-downs Thursday. Take-downs nearly always involve being thrown, which is the jar to the system that I'm having this problem with. I need to work out how to practice, at least to start, in a way that won't fuck me up emotionally so much.
To start this drill, one person is standing and the other is on the floor on their back. Standing person is at the feet of floor person. Floor person has their knees bent, feet on floor. Standing person leans over, grabs knees, pushes them to one side, then twists their own body to fall into the position in the picture. They come down with all their weight and fast enough that floor person can't effectively block them. The instructor showed us the move. You really need to come down hard on the other person, because that's the point of the manuever - to land on the other person and stun them. Some jokes were made that if you weren't making your partner grunt and expel air, then you weren't doing it right. We paired up to practice. The guy I was with was around 160 lbs, 20ish years old, very fit. I did it a few times. I wasn't getting the footwork right, besides I wasn't landing on him with my weight. At 125, I'm not heavy and I probably wouldn't have hurt him (much), but it seemed unnecessary, especially as I was more intent on getting the manuever right than on smashing him. It's practice, not fighting. The guy was real eager to show me how it was done, so we traded. He showed me a couple times. I was pretty unhappy about getting his shoulder to my chest and asked if there was a way to block it. What I meant was, 'I don't like this. How can I avoid ever having this done to me in a fight?' He took it differently. He said, "No, you can't really block it. If someone's doing it right, you can get your hands in there, but it won't work. Here-" and then he demonstrated, but he came down with all his weight, having probably expected me to at least slow him down. I had my hands in there somewhat, but he was right that the angles were all wrong for any effective redirect. The point of his shoulder hit my sternum, drove the air and a noise out of me, and rattled me. I think I said something like, "I didn't block that." He was encouraged and stood up, saying, "Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Try to block again! See?" and he repeated on the opposite side of me before I could object. This hurt worse. I made another noise of pain, tried to push him off, and said in a very shaken voice, "I don't want to do this anymore." At that point, he realized I was having a problem. I got myself upright and hugged my knees to me, kept my head down, and didn't say anything. I felt miserable and ashamed for being weak, for making him feel bad by the unspoken accusation that he'd hurt me, and ... I don't know. I just felt bad. I didn't want to look at anyone. I wanted to quit existing and crawl away invisibly until my chest didn't hurt and I wasn't afraid that people I had previously trusted weren't going to manhandle and hurt me.
They asked if I thought anything was broken. I said I was fine (while hunched up and not looking at anyone). The instructor got onto him for hurting me. I made a few 'it's okay' noises and patted his foot (that of the guy I'd been practicing with). We did a few more drills, but I was wary, hypercareful, and managed to avoid any exercises where he was the active party (meaning instead that I was the one doing the drill on him, and not him doing it on me).
Okay then. That's what happened. And sometimes in BJJ, you're doing a drill or rolling or whatever and someone gets hurt. It happens. It's okay. It's happened to me. That's how I got my elbow tweaked again, my pinkie finger bent back so much that it still hurts now almost a month out from the injury, and my big toe messed up enough that I thought I'd broken it, but no, I only broke the nail bed and my toenail is in the process of sloughing off. These hurt and I wasn't happy about them, but emotionally and mentally, I took them in stride. Last night's thing - I did not, and that's why I'm writing this today, so I can sort this out in my head.
About 10 months ago, we were doing mount exercises (one person is on their back on the floor and the other is sitting astraddle them, like cowgirl for sex but sitting on their abdomen or chest instead of groin). I was doing it mostly with the kids, because two of them were mine and I'm on the lighter end of weights for the class, just like the kids. The kids, though, are pretty inconsiderate of hurting others and my kids in particular were all about the opportunity to get mom down and squash her while chanting 'Hop on Pop!' from a popular children's book. Some of this was fun, but my daughter figured out she could bring her entire 50 pounds down on my ribcage and get quite the pain response from me. Hilarious (to her, not me). I told her several times to stop. It was still almost too funny for her to keep from doing it, so I quit doing the exercise with her. My son, though, had either been watching or had the same idea, because when I asked him to do the drill with me, he sat on me the same way (dropped on me, more like) and instead of 50 pounds, he was more like 85-90 at that point. It broke/tore/damaged/whatever the cartilage that holds my ribs together and I barely got him off of me. It also drove the wind out of me, hurt, and left me frustrated and angry. I yelled at him not to do that again in a very rude way and refused to roll with the kids anymore. All well and good, but just a couple weeks later, one of the other kids (not one of mine) did the exact same thing and really exacerbated things. After that, I didn't want/wouldn't let anyone throw me or squash my chest. If we were rolling, I'd tap out. It took about six months to stop hurting.
I don't think my reaction is a rational response to the possibility of getting injured, although that's certainly in there. Even before the incidents with the kids, I hated being thrown or anything that jarred me that thoroughly. When I get thrown hard, I have an emotional reaction. I want to fight, I want to run away, I'm scared and angry and confused about why this person I was training with suddenly lashed out and did something like that to me, even though rationally I knew what was coming and consented to it. That's what happened last night - I knew he hadn't done anything all that wrong. Today I don't have a bruise (which isn't very telling because I don't bruise easy) or even a sore spot, but I STILL feel jangled about it. Last night, I finished up the jujitsu session, but I had a lot of moments of zoning out and intrusive thoughts (mainly of the variety: 'I hurt. I feel bad. I don't want to be here. Can I leave? How would I explain? They'd ask me why I was leaving, right? I wish he hadn't done that. He didn't do anything wrong. I don't feel good. I should be listening to class. I don't feel right. What if I just left for the bathroom and then stayed in there a lot? I'm fine. Stop focusing on it. Listen to the professor. But I don't feel good...' etc.) Driving home I was still unsettled. I was glad the kids got their dessert and went to bed, gladder still my boyfriend was in bed already and I didn't have to deal with him, manage my responses around him, or explain something that seemed indefensible and irrational to me. I slept in the guest bedroom. I was glad not to deal with him or have him (or anyone) near me. I was nervous this morning when he said he'd kept waking up last night wondering where I was, and had even gotten up to see if I was still awake, but he'd seen the closed door to the guest room, remembered, and let it be. I was tense at him saying that and tried really hard not to hear it as a warning that if I continued to not sleep in the same bed with him, that he might follow me to the other room or ask for an explanation. I told him I just wanted to be alone and miraculously didn't have to justify myself.
I did a little writing last night, too. The story (MBU) is at an emotionally wrenching point, which seemed to fit well with how I was feeling.
This morning I went to workout, which is also at the martial arts place. I felt surly and unhappy about it. I did my usual treadmill work (another mile in 8:40!), but didn't do any of the workout part. Instead, I stretched and then practiced balance on an exercise ball. When I went to the gym where I showered, **there** I put in a half hour of weight lifting. Something in my head, the part that doesn't use language, said this was okay. I could lift weights at the gym, but I didn't want to at the martial arts place. Huh. So I lifted and watched a little bit of a documentary about Bruce Lee because they have a TV in the gym.
I don't have any conclusions about this right now. Five years ago, I would have been consumed with asking myself WHY?? over and over. Now I'm trying to focus on what happened. That's something more real, something I can get a handle on. Just what happened with me, and maybe what's likely to happen with me next, as a consequence. Hopefully I can link it up with figuring out how to influence the 'next' part to get the results I want. I told the instructor last night that I wanted to work on take-downs Thursday. Take-downs nearly always involve being thrown, which is the jar to the system that I'm having this problem with. I need to work out how to practice, at least to start, in a way that won't fuck me up emotionally so much.