On the matter of life
The past month or so has been a series of good things and bad things. In the end, I seem to be in a really good mood. This is probably because some of the biggest concerns/worries I've had are now washed away, leaving a much clearer path to correct thought and success. I think a combination of things are allowing me put myself in the right mindset.
1. Accepted to wayne, The threat of potential failure has completely washed from my mind. This acceptance fixed a lot of confidence trouble.
2. Nice, spring/summer weather. A relaxing atmosphere to me by tenfold.
3. A year that has forced me to become more self-centered, forcing my esteem up.
Now, I have had several things happen that normally should crush the spirits of most, but I've managed to powerhouse through most of them without much concern which shows I have made the correct changes in within myself for a better existence.
1. Jessica breaks my heart: Over the past decade or so, I've felt flawed. This is goddamn unnatural and I'm still somehow stuck in some....social/romantic....cage I can't figure out. Fucking pisses me off to no end, but where once I would take this as a fault I've taken it upon myself to learn and not look at this as "shit, wth is wrong with me" and more toward "Shes missing out, her fault". Part of this some would not view as a good thing but I've taken the accepted the stance its just a giant fucking game. No romeo and juliet bullshit, just a game. Thats why they're called players people. My mistake? twofold. I gave her too much time to think, while simultaneously moving too much too fast. She felt her attraction was because I was attracting her(New Fallacy called Appeal to the Bullshit) which the solution is to manage to tone down...how I come across. Keep them guessing, make all attempts to show a lack of attraction while simultaneously doing just that, attracting her. Bullshit I say, but lessons for the next woman to come across my path.
2. Art: I didn't get my fucking project done in time, nor does it look even close to what I wanted. Normal response: Getting pissed at myself, something that has been bred into me. But alas, I have bred the words 'Should of', 'Could of', and 'Would of' out of my language. Instead, this has been a lesson. More importantly, its not as shitty as I expected it to be, and is a success for the over-confident assignment I gave myself. Yeah, second work in oil - Working from an 8-head model with no reference, and reversing the shadows from the Photograph I had? Yeah, I'd say challenge conquered. Lessons learned, once I finish this it'll still be framed up somewhere and moving on to my next assignment. One thing art has given to me as an invaluable tool, Initiative toward doing something, no matter the consequence.
3. My grandmother is dieing. She has, at most....a month to live? Cancer all over her body. Post on facebook explains it, not going to go into it. BUT, dispite this my concern and focus has been on completing art project above done. Its an odd thing, and to some...unnatural, but death does not bother me in the least bit. There was a bit of pain as she was one of the only people who stepped up where my parents had not. Alas, the fact I'm able to not take this as emotionally as the bullshit emo-cesspool that is my fathers side of the family shows, choosing instead to toward success in my projects shows a regained sense of self-worth.
Well, enough for now. Off to Dooley's for foodz/drinkz and birthday celebration.
1. Accepted to wayne, The threat of potential failure has completely washed from my mind. This acceptance fixed a lot of confidence trouble.
2. Nice, spring/summer weather. A relaxing atmosphere to me by tenfold.
3. A year that has forced me to become more self-centered, forcing my esteem up.
Now, I have had several things happen that normally should crush the spirits of most, but I've managed to powerhouse through most of them without much concern which shows I have made the correct changes in within myself for a better existence.
1. Jessica breaks my heart: Over the past decade or so, I've felt flawed. This is goddamn unnatural and I'm still somehow stuck in some....social/romantic....cage I can't figure out. Fucking pisses me off to no end, but where once I would take this as a fault I've taken it upon myself to learn and not look at this as "shit, wth is wrong with me" and more toward "Shes missing out, her fault". Part of this some would not view as a good thing but I've taken the accepted the stance its just a giant fucking game. No romeo and juliet bullshit, just a game. Thats why they're called players people. My mistake? twofold. I gave her too much time to think, while simultaneously moving too much too fast. She felt her attraction was because I was attracting her(New Fallacy called Appeal to the Bullshit) which the solution is to manage to tone down...how I come across. Keep them guessing, make all attempts to show a lack of attraction while simultaneously doing just that, attracting her. Bullshit I say, but lessons for the next woman to come across my path.
2. Art: I didn't get my fucking project done in time, nor does it look even close to what I wanted. Normal response: Getting pissed at myself, something that has been bred into me. But alas, I have bred the words 'Should of', 'Could of', and 'Would of' out of my language. Instead, this has been a lesson. More importantly, its not as shitty as I expected it to be, and is a success for the over-confident assignment I gave myself. Yeah, second work in oil - Working from an 8-head model with no reference, and reversing the shadows from the Photograph I had? Yeah, I'd say challenge conquered. Lessons learned, once I finish this it'll still be framed up somewhere and moving on to my next assignment. One thing art has given to me as an invaluable tool, Initiative toward doing something, no matter the consequence.
3. My grandmother is dieing. She has, at most....a month to live? Cancer all over her body. Post on facebook explains it, not going to go into it. BUT, dispite this my concern and focus has been on completing art project above done. Its an odd thing, and to some...unnatural, but death does not bother me in the least bit. There was a bit of pain as she was one of the only people who stepped up where my parents had not. Alas, the fact I'm able to not take this as emotionally as the bullshit emo-cesspool that is my fathers side of the family shows, choosing instead to toward success in my projects shows a regained sense of self-worth.
Well, enough for now. Off to Dooley's for foodz/drinkz and birthday celebration.