Sins of the Past, Threats of the Future
in this issue
My Captain, My Stalker
Mr. Morden: Father's Little Dividend?
Centauri Cruising
New Threat To Earth?
Victim of the Vorlon....
...and much, much more...
BLUEBEARD OF THE THIRD AGE
Sheridan’s past catches up with him
Terrorist activities against the current government might be the least of renegade Earth Force Captain John _sheridan’s worrisome habits. Procedures in his divorce from Anna Sheridan came to an abrupt halt when careful research by our magazine revealed Captain Sheridan had neglected to mention a previous marriage, to Earth Force Captain Elizabeth Lochley, 38.
Questioned about this marriage, Captain Lochley at first refused to comment, but after a direct order from President Clark, who has been most helpful in this investigation, finally said: “Look, it was a mistake, okay? I was young. He wasn’t ready for a woman to be on top.”
“Lucky is what she was,” political advisor Julie Mussante, stepping forward for the first time to reveal her own traumatizing encounter with Sheridan, said when hearing about the sorry tale. “Obviously, the guy has a pattern of being attracted to strong women and then needing to destroy them for it. Just look at his marriage with that Anna woman. How long did they actually live together? He deliberately missed all their anniversaries and practically drove her in the arms of Morden, and then he nuked the both of them. I guess I was lucky, too, getting out as fast as I did.”
John Sheridan, Stalker at large
Elaborating further, Ms. Mussante, her voice choked with remembered humiliation and horror, described how Captain Sheridan stalked her during her brief time on Babylon 5, going as far as ripping her clothes of in an attempt to force her to have sex with him in his quarters. Luckily, a call by a subordinate provided Ms. Mussante with the opportunity to escape the Captain’s clutches.
Caught in the Act
“I couldn’t see the back of that station fast enough,” she concludes, shuddering. “When I later found out about his obsession with serial killers, I realized this might have saved my life.”
A thorough check of the historic files accessed by Captain Sheridan confirms Ms. Mussante’s horrifying revelation. He did indeed request complete downloads on all material connected to Jack the Ripper, still the most infamous of serial killers, and Charles Dexter, the bloodthirsty “Black Rose” murderer. Further investigation of Galaxy Gab’s tireless staff revealed that Babylon 5’s Med Lab treated Ambassador _delenn quite extensively around the time Sheridan read the Ripper files. Past and current hostilities with the Minbari notwithstanding, this lets us fear for the Ambassador’s life, should she not be able to break of what is increasingly revealed as a co-dependent, sado-masochistic relationship with John Sheridan in time.
DADDY DEAREST
New paternity suits for Mr. Morden?
It appears Anna Sheridan was not the only woman to let herself be consoled by the well-worn charms of Shadow associate mr_morden. In the wake of his confession in our last issue, other women and their representatives have come forward to reveal the truth about their offspring.
“Now I’m not saying my Shmi isn’t a good woman,” Mr. Cliegg Lars, 51, farmer on Tatooine, declares in regards to his second wife, the former Ms. Shmi Skywalker. “But that nonsense about her boy Anakin having no father always sounded fishy to me. Them Jedi might talk a good deal about one force or the other, but what can you expect from bastards who support child labour, gamble for boys and then take off to who knows where? If you ask me, this Morden sounds like just the type who’d bamboozle a poor slave lass with some tricks or other. And you’re saying he’s rich? We sure could use some new fertilizers on the farm. And new droids.”
Witnesses confirm that the son of Mrs Lars, née Skywalker, Jedi Padawan Anakin _skywalker_, was seen next to Mr. Morden during a poker game
at Draco Malfoy’s estate, which hints at a mysterious connection, for what other reason could the member of a religious order have to consort with an agent of chaos?
“I don’t know about Shadows,” another unfortunate woman, Ms Cordelia Chase, confesses, “but that ‘what do you want, my sweet little muffin o’ love’ line does sound familiar. And of course he took off afterwards without paying for our darling girl Jasmine. Just because I’m kinda dead now doesn’t mean I don’t want to see cash.”
If any other victims of Mr. Morden’s incredible fertile methods should exist, we advise them to direct their claims to Wolfram & Hart, Earth Office. Mr. Holland Manners XII has offered to represent them pro bono in what promises to become the legal fight of the century.
“Look at the suit this guy wears,” Mr. Manners, a descendant in a long line of social-service oriented lawyers, thunders in righteous indignation. “Look at his collection of cars and artififacts. And then look at these poor women. Let justice be served, I say. If necessary from the ‘Rebuilding Z’ha’dum’ fund.”
CENTAURI CRUISING
Londo and G’Kar start S/M ring
Not content to carry on their torrid affair by themselves, Prime Minister londo_mollari and citizengkar of Narn have now started to draw others in their sexual obsessions. Our reporter again risked life and limb to observe new arrivals john__crichton and Bialar crais as they accepted payment from a visibly aroused, chuckling Mollari for their dubious services. Both Mr. Crichton and Mr. Crais were already dressed in tight black leather in preparation for the orgies to come, and engaged in the kind of shouting match Mollari obviously needs to get started before submitting to him in public and drinking as much as they could, strengthening themselves for their future ordeal.
Since the partner of Mollari’s depravity, G’Kar, called himself “the definition of appetite” and complained about the Centauri’s tendency to doze off in utter exhaustion before G’Kar’s own satisfaction could be achieved, it is not too difficult to guess just why Mr. Crichton and Mr. Crais needed to be hired. Still, one wonders whether these two lecherous Aliens will stop here. After all, former security chief Michael Garibaldi was observed buying leather gloves. Could his new state of unemployement drive him to be next on what promises to be the most flagrant promotion of male prostitution this century has seen?
“Hey, Garibaldi has a history with Londo and G’Kar,” a source close to reinstated security chief Zack Allen told this reporter in strict confidence. “And it wouldn’t be the first time he takes money from Londo. We never found out what those Centauri ducats had been for the last time he fell of the wagon, did we?”
If we do, readers of this magazine will, as always, be the first to know. Until then, our sympathies are with any future victims the two predators might attempt to procure.
CARDASSIAN INVASION
Ruthless Dictator threatens Earth
Following the publication of our last issue, legate_damar, obviously no friend of the free press, issued severe
threats not just against this magazine but against Earth itself. “Your race already got nearly annihilated once,” he concluded, before hinting that a sycophantic gushing would spare our planet this dire fate. While all members of Galaxy Gab’s staff are committed patriots, we know our duty to truth, the Terran way and our readers, and trust in the ability of our army to protect us from any alien dictators with designs on our world.
In related news, this reporter learned what might have been the true reason for Damar’s invasion threat; he recently lost his position as dictator of Cardassia, and has started to slaughter his own people left and right to regain it, with limited success. According to the Vorta Weyoun, who contacted our staff upon reading our latest issue, “Cardassia wants Damar gone, and he’ll stay gone.”
Will Damar turn his unbridled lust for conquest to our own dear planet next? More about this, and the story of this Cardassian Macbeth’s descend in the depths of bloodthirst and alcoholism, in our next issue.
SILENT BUT FRISKY
Vorlon Ambassador Kosh Hires New Sex Slave
Reputable sources in the alien sector provide compelling reports of a humanoid woman -- comradecally of the Mumak -- brought to the Vorlon Ambassador's chambers on more than one occasion, seemingly against her will.
"At first he was civil about it," the source -- who chooses to remain anonymous -- told this reporter. "He requested her presence through official channels but got no response. Obviously, he decided he needed to take matters into his own...hands?"
Cally was unavailable for questioning on this matter, so we can only assume her interactions with the Vorlon have left her in such a weakened state that she cannot respond to the comms.
When asked if he was consorting with Cally, Kosh replied, "yes."
When asked if he was a fire truck, Kosh also replied, "yes."
Residence of the alien sector have lodged complaints with Babylon 5's command staff, citing unusual sounds from the Vorlon wing. Reports of a humanoid female, sounding distraught and shouting, "you didn't have to pull out of me so fast! You hurt me!" provide good cause for concern.
Kosh's previous servant, the human telepath Lyta Alexander, was also unavailable for comment, undoubtedly still recovering from her own violent and tumultuous affair with the frisky Vorlon.
My Captain, My Stalker
Mr. Morden: Father's Little Dividend?
Centauri Cruising
New Threat To Earth?
Victim of the Vorlon....
...and much, much more...
BLUEBEARD OF THE THIRD AGE
Sheridan’s past catches up with him
Terrorist activities against the current government might be the least of renegade Earth Force Captain John _sheridan’s worrisome habits. Procedures in his divorce from Anna Sheridan came to an abrupt halt when careful research by our magazine revealed Captain Sheridan had neglected to mention a previous marriage, to Earth Force Captain Elizabeth Lochley, 38.
Questioned about this marriage, Captain Lochley at first refused to comment, but after a direct order from President Clark, who has been most helpful in this investigation, finally said: “Look, it was a mistake, okay? I was young. He wasn’t ready for a woman to be on top.”
“Lucky is what she was,” political advisor Julie Mussante, stepping forward for the first time to reveal her own traumatizing encounter with Sheridan, said when hearing about the sorry tale. “Obviously, the guy has a pattern of being attracted to strong women and then needing to destroy them for it. Just look at his marriage with that Anna woman. How long did they actually live together? He deliberately missed all their anniversaries and practically drove her in the arms of Morden, and then he nuked the both of them. I guess I was lucky, too, getting out as fast as I did.”
John Sheridan, Stalker at large
Elaborating further, Ms. Mussante, her voice choked with remembered humiliation and horror, described how Captain Sheridan stalked her during her brief time on Babylon 5, going as far as ripping her clothes of in an attempt to force her to have sex with him in his quarters. Luckily, a call by a subordinate provided Ms. Mussante with the opportunity to escape the Captain’s clutches.
Caught in the Act
“I couldn’t see the back of that station fast enough,” she concludes, shuddering. “When I later found out about his obsession with serial killers, I realized this might have saved my life.”
A thorough check of the historic files accessed by Captain Sheridan confirms Ms. Mussante’s horrifying revelation. He did indeed request complete downloads on all material connected to Jack the Ripper, still the most infamous of serial killers, and Charles Dexter, the bloodthirsty “Black Rose” murderer. Further investigation of Galaxy Gab’s tireless staff revealed that Babylon 5’s Med Lab treated Ambassador _delenn quite extensively around the time Sheridan read the Ripper files. Past and current hostilities with the Minbari notwithstanding, this lets us fear for the Ambassador’s life, should she not be able to break of what is increasingly revealed as a co-dependent, sado-masochistic relationship with John Sheridan in time.
DADDY DEAREST
New paternity suits for Mr. Morden?
It appears Anna Sheridan was not the only woman to let herself be consoled by the well-worn charms of Shadow associate mr_morden. In the wake of his confession in our last issue, other women and their representatives have come forward to reveal the truth about their offspring.
“Now I’m not saying my Shmi isn’t a good woman,” Mr. Cliegg Lars, 51, farmer on Tatooine, declares in regards to his second wife, the former Ms. Shmi Skywalker. “But that nonsense about her boy Anakin having no father always sounded fishy to me. Them Jedi might talk a good deal about one force or the other, but what can you expect from bastards who support child labour, gamble for boys and then take off to who knows where? If you ask me, this Morden sounds like just the type who’d bamboozle a poor slave lass with some tricks or other. And you’re saying he’s rich? We sure could use some new fertilizers on the farm. And new droids.”
Witnesses confirm that the son of Mrs Lars, née Skywalker, Jedi Padawan Anakin _skywalker_, was seen next to Mr. Morden during a poker game
at Draco Malfoy’s estate, which hints at a mysterious connection, for what other reason could the member of a religious order have to consort with an agent of chaos?
“I don’t know about Shadows,” another unfortunate woman, Ms Cordelia Chase, confesses, “but that ‘what do you want, my sweet little muffin o’ love’ line does sound familiar. And of course he took off afterwards without paying for our darling girl Jasmine. Just because I’m kinda dead now doesn’t mean I don’t want to see cash.”
If any other victims of Mr. Morden’s incredible fertile methods should exist, we advise them to direct their claims to Wolfram & Hart, Earth Office. Mr. Holland Manners XII has offered to represent them pro bono in what promises to become the legal fight of the century.
“Look at the suit this guy wears,” Mr. Manners, a descendant in a long line of social-service oriented lawyers, thunders in righteous indignation. “Look at his collection of cars and artififacts. And then look at these poor women. Let justice be served, I say. If necessary from the ‘Rebuilding Z’ha’dum’ fund.”
CENTAURI CRUISING
Londo and G’Kar start S/M ring
Not content to carry on their torrid affair by themselves, Prime Minister londo_mollari and citizengkar of Narn have now started to draw others in their sexual obsessions. Our reporter again risked life and limb to observe new arrivals john__crichton and Bialar crais as they accepted payment from a visibly aroused, chuckling Mollari for their dubious services. Both Mr. Crichton and Mr. Crais were already dressed in tight black leather in preparation for the orgies to come, and engaged in the kind of shouting match Mollari obviously needs to get started before submitting to him in public and drinking as much as they could, strengthening themselves for their future ordeal.
Since the partner of Mollari’s depravity, G’Kar, called himself “the definition of appetite” and complained about the Centauri’s tendency to doze off in utter exhaustion before G’Kar’s own satisfaction could be achieved, it is not too difficult to guess just why Mr. Crichton and Mr. Crais needed to be hired. Still, one wonders whether these two lecherous Aliens will stop here. After all, former security chief Michael Garibaldi was observed buying leather gloves. Could his new state of unemployement drive him to be next on what promises to be the most flagrant promotion of male prostitution this century has seen?
“Hey, Garibaldi has a history with Londo and G’Kar,” a source close to reinstated security chief Zack Allen told this reporter in strict confidence. “And it wouldn’t be the first time he takes money from Londo. We never found out what those Centauri ducats had been for the last time he fell of the wagon, did we?”
If we do, readers of this magazine will, as always, be the first to know. Until then, our sympathies are with any future victims the two predators might attempt to procure.
CARDASSIAN INVASION
Ruthless Dictator threatens Earth
Following the publication of our last issue, legate_damar, obviously no friend of the free press, issued severe
threats not just against this magazine but against Earth itself. “Your race already got nearly annihilated once,” he concluded, before hinting that a sycophantic gushing would spare our planet this dire fate. While all members of Galaxy Gab’s staff are committed patriots, we know our duty to truth, the Terran way and our readers, and trust in the ability of our army to protect us from any alien dictators with designs on our world.
In related news, this reporter learned what might have been the true reason for Damar’s invasion threat; he recently lost his position as dictator of Cardassia, and has started to slaughter his own people left and right to regain it, with limited success. According to the Vorta Weyoun, who contacted our staff upon reading our latest issue, “Cardassia wants Damar gone, and he’ll stay gone.”
Will Damar turn his unbridled lust for conquest to our own dear planet next? More about this, and the story of this Cardassian Macbeth’s descend in the depths of bloodthirst and alcoholism, in our next issue.
SILENT BUT FRISKY
Vorlon Ambassador Kosh Hires New Sex Slave
Reputable sources in the alien sector provide compelling reports of a humanoid woman -- comradecally of the Mumak -- brought to the Vorlon Ambassador's chambers on more than one occasion, seemingly against her will.
"At first he was civil about it," the source -- who chooses to remain anonymous -- told this reporter. "He requested her presence through official channels but got no response. Obviously, he decided he needed to take matters into his own...hands?"
Cally was unavailable for questioning on this matter, so we can only assume her interactions with the Vorlon have left her in such a weakened state that she cannot respond to the comms.
When asked if he was consorting with Cally, Kosh replied, "yes."
When asked if he was a fire truck, Kosh also replied, "yes."
Residence of the alien sector have lodged complaints with Babylon 5's command staff, citing unusual sounds from the Vorlon wing. Reports of a humanoid female, sounding distraught and shouting, "you didn't have to pull out of me so fast! You hurt me!" provide good cause for concern.
Kosh's previous servant, the human telepath Lyta Alexander, was also unavailable for comment, undoubtedly still recovering from her own violent and tumultuous affair with the frisky Vorlon.