** Evolution redub

[galacticchick]

Today Michael and I notified Centerlink that we are officially a couple. This might sound trivial, but for both of us it was an interesting trigger point in our evolution as partners, both being careful with the protection of our core selves, both having issues from recent and long term history about various relationship related things. In the end

Comments

[galacticchick]

I also find it useful as a framework, but don't necessarily agree with his workings- the Progstone discussion board was a place where some of the issues with his methods were raised in more depth and highlighted some of the shortcomings of his particular approach.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if there were close similarities with The Fundamental Error, which is why I'm so gleesticks about your forthcoming book (and also why I was happy to take a step back in communicating with you all because I knew that's what you were working on: having me going through the intense grief period that I've been going on for the past two and a bit months isn't really constructive to add to the stuff the triad has been going through). :) But I'm very much looking forward to reading the things that I've been so wishing I could participate in through a workshop! *happy wriggling*

I find the Ghost Not concept useful to describe a condition rather than a set of rules: given that it's something I've been familiar with for awhile, it's a descriptor that I use within my circle that's understood on a conceptual level. Finding my Ghost Nots has been an interesting exercise of late...

*hugs* and it's lovely to talk with you again. :) This subject is the primary focus of mine at the moment, so I'll be writing about it quite a bit...

[galacticchick]

just in further, it would be really interesting to get your feedback on the bulk of Alan's view (there's a lot of stuff in there about Asperger's, autism, ADD and CFS, as well as social memes and patterns, Ghost Nots etc etc) in comparison to your approach to things through The Fundamental Error.

Given that I have very little framework for knowing the work that you do, it would be an awesome exploration for me as well as a way of expanding my own understanding... :)

[ubiquity]

The upcoming book is The Usual Error. That is the error of assuming that others are just like you. The Fundamental Error is the sequel. That is the error of confusing the map for the territory. (Basically. It's much harder to explain and to wrap one's head around than the usual error.) The Usual Error (the book) is more about communication and problem solving, and The Fundamental Error is more blatantly about self-work.

and also why I was happy to take a step back in communicating with you all because I knew that's what you were working on:

Um, no. We've really only spent a handful of hours per week working on The Usual Error. I had no idea that that was a factor in you communicating with us less.

having me going through the intense grief period that I've been going on for the past two and a bit months isn't really constructive to add to the stuff the triad has been going through

From your posts, it sounds like you're coming out of your intense grief period, though. Is that true?

[galacticchick]

I have my good days and my totally shit days, I'm just going with the flow of them these days and being careful with what I take on, simply because I can't say from one day to the next what I'll be capable of. It's not just mum's death, it's pretty much a download of the suppressed grief over the past four years, which was the extension of the huge suppressed grief of previous personalities going back to the dawn of time. :/ So it's a variable thing on a daily- and sometimes hourly- basis.

Yes, the writing was a factor, as was all the other things the triad was going through: I just felt internally that my stuff was essentially crap you all didn't need, and the feeling that I was someone not as positive and awesome for Sera as you and Kye are was also a factor. I felt she- and all of you, really- weren't getting what the triad deserves in terms of connection but I've been unable to give because of the constant upheavals since December. So there was that as well: doubts about my ability to give Sera the quality of connection she so deserves, feeling unable to give what I wanted to, etc. Stupid, perhaps, but real.

[kyeli_unlikely]

I felt abandoned. Still do, to some extent. In my perception, your life got difficult and you just dropped us with no word, no explanation, no nothing.

It hurt. Still does, though it lessens with time and lowered expectation.

I completely understand not being able to give attention and connection, but to go away with no words of explanation or reassurance shook me greatly. And even now, you have made no attempt to reconnect to Sera in any way. I don't know what to make of that.

[galacticchick]

I actually did send Sera some emails when I got my computer up and running, but I didn't get a reply: at the time I thought it was because of all the drama that was going on in your virtual lives and that made sense to me because of the way that I think in certain contexts.

I didn't realise that I'd gone away without words of explanation, I thought that I"d talked to Sera about my concerns before I moved, knowing I'd be offline for some time. I don't have any words to express how I feel at the thought of hurting you, it was certainly not what I was trying to do: it seems that in wanting to prevent one kind of difficulty I've created a situation that has been painful for you all. I don't know what to do about that: is it better that Ijust go away completely? Given that I seem to have cocked things right up so far...

It's strange, isn't it, that in wanting to *not* do things badly, sometimes it creates exactly the very thing that one is trying to prevent. I have missed you all so much, but didn't know what to do. I knew that I was fluctuating so much that any kind of reliability was something I couldn't offer and didn't want to offer anything less: how could I offer Sera anything but my all? How could I do that to any of you?

It's more a reflection of how I feel about myself in certain areas than a lack of loving you all on my part. I felt I had so little to offer.

[kyeli_unlikely]

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.

I had a pretty triggery reaction to your comment. In my perception, you resorted to beating yourself up instead of discussing the issue with me, and I like you and don't want you to beat yourself up, so I was unable to focus on the issue anymore because now you're sad and upset. It halted communication for me for a while.

I realize that there might've been communication between you and Sera that never got through to me and Pace. One of the communication challenges with Sera is that she doesn't offer information unless asked, and if I don't know to ask, sometimes things (even important things) don't get communicated.

I don't think it's better that you go away completely. Sera says she's happy with you, no matter the distance. I strongly desire the two of you to communicate and find what you want from each other, but that's because my own personal definition of 'girlfriend' is not what you two seem to be, and I have trouble when my inner labels don't match up with my perceptions of a given relationship or situation.

Please, let's communicate clearly and openly and not resort to self-defacing behaviour. We're friends, we can get through this if that's what we both want.

[galacticchick]

I wasn't actually beating myself up as much as being really honest about how I was feeling, which for me is part of how I discuss things: I get caught in the space of what I'm feeling and need to express that so that others things I say are understood. Without knowing how I was feeling, it *looks* like I just go away without caring, but when you know the feelings, you know that lack of caring is not part of the issue.

I really want to communicate clearly and openly about this situation- I love Sera and miss her every day, and I miss you and Pace as well. It's a good idea to clearly find out what we want from each other and for me to be honest about it all. Part of that for me is voicing that I really *didn't* feel like I had anything meaningful to offer- I'm half a world away for a start- but I can see how that was being skewed inside by other thinking and that perhaps what I feel and think about might actually be of worth to you all despite the distance factor.

I'm open to working through this too. :)

[kyeli_unlikely]

I think perhaps the first and best step would be for you and Sera to communicate what you each want from the other, and have some open, clear, and honest communication there.

Once we know what the two of you want, we can suss out what the rest of us want from each other, and how it all meshes together. (:

[ubiquity]

*twinkle* (: