lost in a world of a downward spiral...
let me first begin with a cry out...i need help. There, its one of the hardest things to do. admit I don't know what i'm doing. Especially on something like lj, but i figure maybe if the rest of the people who say they're my friends know what's going on with me i'll get some good advice and start making my way up this bottomless hole i seem to be in.
i'm ruining my life. i can see all of the signs of extreme depression, borderline personality disorder, and maybe just a touch of bipolar disorder, yet don't seem to be able to do anything about it. it's tearing me up inside...well actually i don't really feel like there is an inside anymore. I feel soulless and lost in this world that has been created around me. Now that it has been summer for a while i cannot blame my saddness on the weather. i'm outside enough but the sun or lack thereof doesn't seem to be the problem, so to those who told me it would pass...yeah you were wrong.
I dont' know what to do.... I want to get help but don't know where to look, and i already have way too much on my platter to worry about that i don't have time to find someone to help me. I don't know what to look for nor do I know where to start. I'm scared that if I do find someone to go to they won't know how to help me or know what they're doing either.
I keep on reliving my past, my highschool experience, my first 2 years of college, and keep on reliving the regrets and mistakes and cannot seem to find the good in what happened. I miss the friendships, the relationships, the people I hurt, the people who hurt me, just the people in general. I don't like reading LJ all the time because you all seem to have great lives with no shit attached. I want that. I want so many good things for myself but don't seem to be moving towards them or in a positive direction. I miss the person I was in high school. I knew more of who I was. Now, I have no clue. I can't tell if it is the relationship I am in or if it is the depression holding me back. I constantly compare myself to the others around me to see how they do things, and try to apply those to my life, and it doesnt' work. It never worked. I have no life. there is no substance to me anymore. i've become boring. i miss me. i don't know where i went. help.
i'm ruining my life. i can see all of the signs of extreme depression, borderline personality disorder, and maybe just a touch of bipolar disorder, yet don't seem to be able to do anything about it. it's tearing me up inside...well actually i don't really feel like there is an inside anymore. I feel soulless and lost in this world that has been created around me. Now that it has been summer for a while i cannot blame my saddness on the weather. i'm outside enough but the sun or lack thereof doesn't seem to be the problem, so to those who told me it would pass...yeah you were wrong.
I dont' know what to do.... I want to get help but don't know where to look, and i already have way too much on my platter to worry about that i don't have time to find someone to help me. I don't know what to look for nor do I know where to start. I'm scared that if I do find someone to go to they won't know how to help me or know what they're doing either.
I keep on reliving my past, my highschool experience, my first 2 years of college, and keep on reliving the regrets and mistakes and cannot seem to find the good in what happened. I miss the friendships, the relationships, the people I hurt, the people who hurt me, just the people in general. I don't like reading LJ all the time because you all seem to have great lives with no shit attached. I want that. I want so many good things for myself but don't seem to be moving towards them or in a positive direction. I miss the person I was in high school. I knew more of who I was. Now, I have no clue. I can't tell if it is the relationship I am in or if it is the depression holding me back. I constantly compare myself to the others around me to see how they do things, and try to apply those to my life, and it doesnt' work. It never worked. I have no life. there is no substance to me anymore. i've become boring. i miss me. i don't know where i went. help.